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DD accused partner - not knowing how to handle it

(87 Posts)
freerangechick99 Thu 21-May-15 19:58:09

DD accused my partner of hurting her. Ex h deducted partner caused the bruises. I was in the room at the time and can confirm that DP stopped DD helping herself to extra food by holding her arms in a non forceful way. DD was angry because I had told her off just before and told her to go to her bedroom. After interrogating DD police concluded that DP had used restraint and there is no case of DD being hurt.
ExH has escalated this, threatened a law suit to stop me having contact with DCs. I have warned DP that ExH is manipulative and to be extra vigilant with the DCs has he would use any incident and escalate it, to make DP or me look like a bad person. He clearly escalated and twisted what DD said.
I was in the room and saw everything. I know that DP would not hurt a fly. Unfortunately I know that whoever the partner would be ExH would make issues and try to break us up or stop us moving in together. I left a controlling relationship but he is sadly still controlling me and now my dd.

I am angry against DD for raising to the game. I know she is feeling jealous of DP despite me trying to reassure her that she is very special to me. She is not happy about me having a new partner.
I want to avoid to say something like, 'I know you were lying' or I saw that DP did not hurt you'.
I am feeling sad and angry. I love DP so much and my DD too. I do not want to have to choose between them.
I have told DP to stay away.
I want DD to trust in the police and social services in case someone would do something to her.
How can I breach the subject with DD?

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 21-May-15 20:04:51

Sounds very stressful.

How old is your DD and what's the issue with her helping herself to extra food?

Greaterthanthesumoftheparts Thu 21-May-15 20:05:13

Ugh, I know from a slightly different point of view this is and it's awful. If I read it right your ex has threatened a lawsuit but the police aren't taking it further at this point (correct me if I'm wrong).

First thing is not to be angry with your daughter, she is being manipulated and needs help (maybe a psychogist, who can help her to express the truth). Also some family therapy to help her accept your partner and your ex to accept your patent maybe. Will think some more on this, we are addressing a similarly aseful situation, trying to stay rational and do the right thing is really hard!

reddaisy Thu 21-May-15 20:11:17

Why did your DP feel the need to physically prevent her from helping herself to food? How old is she? I wouldn't want someone treating my DD like that either so I can see how your ex has responded the way he has. I am a stepmother by the way so I am not stepparent bashing.

Ratbagcatbag Thu 21-May-15 20:17:12

I have to say I'm step parent and have been in my dss life for 14 years, I can count on one hand the times I've laid a hand on him (not hitting at all by the way) and most of this was when he was being an horrific 15 year old and towering over me trying to bully me, which resulted in a prod in the ribs with a finger to back him up.

Why on earth does a man who doesn't live with you feel he can restrain your dd for something as simple as getting at food?

How old is dd? And for the record my dh is the most laid back guy in the world but if my dss stepdad did this he'd be asking serious questions too.

I'm definitely not step parent bashing, like I say I am one, but this seems to much this early on.

freerangechick99 Thu 21-May-15 20:17:48

MrsCampbisbellBlack DD was told to go to her bedroom due to misbehaving and instead proceeded to raid the cupboard straight after tea. DCs had been so naughty all evening me and DP had had enough by then. DD is 10.
Greaterthan you are getting this right. ExH who has most of the contact with DD things counselling is a waste of time and rejected proposal of social worker to refer her. I am on benefits so cannot afford any.

reddaisy Thu 21-May-15 20:25:49

Sounds like he massively overreacted to me and you should be taking the lead on discipline issues anyway so he would not need to get to the point where he has 'had enough'.

elliebellys Thu 21-May-15 20:44:26

Sorry,but i can understend your exs reaction,i would be exactly the same if someone had restrained my child.

DinkyDye Thu 21-May-15 20:49:19

From reading just your posts l agree that your dp shouldn't be restraining your dd. How long has he been on the scene? If you know your dd is feeling insecure are you working hard enough to resolve this?

Floralnomad Thu 21-May-15 20:50:21

From what I can understand your DP is not resident and quite honestly I don't think he should be getting involved with disciplining your dc .

Ratbagcatbag Thu 21-May-15 20:50:26

And you say your ex deduced the "bruises" were caused by your dp, did your dd have bruises? And were they caused by being restrained by your dp?

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 21-May-15 20:51:51

Agree with the others - you need to take the lead regarding discipline especially if it involves physical restraint.

BertrandRussell Thu 21-May-15 20:56:37

Tell us about the bruises..........

freerangechick99 Thu 21-May-15 21:04:35

it does not involve physical restraint. Dp just stopped DD accessing cupboard. DD was told to go to her bedroom.

Romeyroo Thu 21-May-15 21:05:01

Sorry, but if my XH had physically restrained my DD for going into a cupboard, he would have been out the door. Really and truly - he was out the door for pushing her, so I am not talking through my arse.

Are you sure you have not traded a controlling XH for a controlling partner? It sounds awful, and DD is only ten. Good grief, if my DC are hungry, they are allowed to eat. Granted they are expected to ask for something but taking without asking would not result in bruises.

Romeyroo Thu 21-May-15 21:06:55

He held her arms, that is restraint, he had no right to touch her at all, it was no warranted

freerangechick99 Thu 21-May-15 21:13:17

The bruises were here before. I take your point DP should not hold her arms. We are having the discussion. Dp was calm and not forceful.

BertrandRussell Thu 21-May-15 21:18:59

Where did the bruises come from?

Melonfool Thu 21-May-15 21:21:20

This does seem an extreme reaction by an adult to a ten year old. Bruises from being 'stopped' from going in a cupboard, really? Do you know that was the only time he touched her? Were you there the whole time? Remember, the most charming people can be abusers.

Anyway, you can talk to the school about some counselling, they will have access to welfare. If it's a big school they may even have someone on site. If you can't afford anything yourself and ex isn't interested then this seems the most sensible course of action. As it is you probably need a chat with the school anyway if dd is struggling for any reason.

I'm not sure the ex can 'bring a lawsuit' as the family court would be involved and then CAFCASS (or whatever they are called) and they would assess the whole situation and make a ruling on contact - they may insist on supervised contact for a while or something but it's unlikely they'd stop contact with you, they may say dp can't be there, which in the situation doesn't really seem unreasonable right now.

Floralnomad Thu 21-May-15 21:23:16

Your problem is that whatever you say your dd has told her dad her version of the events and any normal parent is going to believe their child over their ex wife or her new partner . If I were you I'd be looking at my priorities .

Finola1step Thu 21-May-15 21:23:22

He restrained her by holding her arms to stop her getting into the cupboard. You admit that the dcs had been difficult and that both adults had had enough. He restrained her hard enough to leave bruising.

Your DD is 10. She may well be a bit of a handful but she is a child and he is a grown man. A new partner should not be disciplining your DD. You were there, that's your job.

It does not sound like your DD lied. She has told her own dad her version of events. He may well be making more of it but that is not her responsibility.

Time and space away from your dp would probably a good idea right now so that you can focus on your relationship with your DD.

freerangechick99 Thu 21-May-15 21:23:25

the bruises were there before. not caused by DP!!

Finola1step Thu 21-May-15 21:24:30

X post. So where did the bruises come from?

Melonfool Thu 21-May-15 21:25:34

What were the bruises from then?

Singsongsung Thu 21-May-15 21:27:34

I personally would ditch the partner. It saddens me actually that you are feeling you have to choose. There should be no choice to make. If your child is uncomfortable with him he goes. End of. He was out of order behaving that way towards your child. Complete over reaction and he had no right whatsoever to do so.

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