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(40 Posts)
den1se10 Thu 21-May-15 16:38:06

My partner has been divorced for approx 16 years, he has two grown up children.
Since the split with his ex-wife, he's always been, in my opinion very fair with money. He gave the house to his wife - there was a mortgage but a small one and has always paid maintenance.
His ex-wife has always worked fact it was my partners mum who provided childcare. So there's been no real financial struggles.
The relationship is pretty good despite the split although my partner has always felt a lot of guilt about leaving.

I would add here - we've been together for 6/7 years and i was nothing to do with the break up.

I'm now finding things hard because my partner is still paying and I think it needs to be looked at.
I respect his choices but actually feel this is becoming very unfair to him.

One "child" is 23 was due to graduate this year - they have now decided to work abroad for 12 months, this is connected to their studies. My partner's been told by his ex-wife that it's only fair for him to continue to pay support. He's done this through her studies as she said she can't work and study, although she has done some casual work.
His other "child" (25)completed their degree but then said they wanted to study medicine, as it was a 2nd degree, costs have been enormous and again, he's supported her throughout.

What's upset me is that he pays the support to "mum" for both and she diverts a lot to the child studying medicine, when his daughter came to stay, I actually had to buy her some clothes as she had no proper coat etc.

I love the fact he cares and wants to do the right thing...he doesn't earn a lot, in fact he has a second job to help pay for this. He's giving his ex wife £500 per month.

I'd really welcome some thoughts on this because I'm feeling unreasonable in saying enough is enough

Sanityseeker75 Thu 21-May-15 16:50:13

At 23 and 25 I would say if you had the money them maybe help them out a bit but are also old enough to study and work.

If it needs a second job to support then I would say enough is enough.

blackjacker Thu 21-May-15 17:15:53

If the 23 year old working abroad for a year won't she be getting paid? Or is a voluntary position or internship?

den1se10 Thu 21-May-15 17:49:06

I believe it's a very low salary...she's been quite vague on details.

Georgina1975 Thu 21-May-15 18:03:46

We stopped paying through Mum when children started University. They stayed at her house in the holidays and paid their way by doing jobs for her. Mum said that if she wanted "keep" off them, she would negotiate directly (we gave them a monthly allowance 12 months of the year). We also paid for big items such as laptops and gave them a cash boost at Christmas and beginning of the Summer holiday.

I don't think it would be fair to cut them off quickly. I would probably suggest £200 PCM to medicine student (I do think they need to focus on the study) and £150 to the other DC for the next 12 months, and give notice it will start reducing by £50 per year or finish with FT work.

LemonYellowSun Thu 21-May-15 18:07:34

Well she needs to less vague if she wants some financial support in my opinion.

If he wants to continue to support his children, why isnt he doing it directly. I do not see why the mum is involved at all.

LineRunner Thu 21-May-15 18:10:14

My DD is now 19 and at university. My ExH, her dad, pays her a small allowance directly into her bank account. It has nothing to do with me, and it suits us all.

She lives with me for free in the holidays when she comes home, but she is pretty self-sufficient. Her dad certainly wouldn't charge her keep when she stays with him. He loves having her there.

But everyone's different.

LineRunner Thu 21-May-15 18:12:30

Georgina Yes, I do the 'cash boost' at Christmas and on her birthday. ExH is a bit tight about them, though!

holidaysarenice Thu 21-May-15 18:19:18

I did med as a 2nd degree, it's expensive but I stood on my own two feet.

Let dp decide what to give each of them and then give it direct to them.

I would maybe suggest that he pays the rent to the end of the studies? That gives a definitive end and doesn't remove something they have relied on. Depends on the amount really.

Libby10 Thu 21-May-15 19:40:58

I think if your DP wants to help his children that's fine but they should be talking to him directly as adults and understand what he is able to afford. I really think they shouldn't be expecting their father to have two jobs to support them when they are old enough to understand about finances.

Melonfool Thu 21-May-15 19:41:11

I agree it should go directly to them and should be just decided on an 'as needed' gift basis, if he can't afford it then he shouldn't do it.

If they hadn't split and he wasn't earning much then he couldn't give them money. My sister gives her kids money and they are 25 and 27, both working but still unable to live on the money - but if she couldn't afford it they'd have to learn to live without it.

I would definitely stop paying the ex. dp has an agreement that says he stops paying to the ex when dss is 18, or 19 if still in education (the latter being unlikely as things stand). So, he will stop and if we want to pass any money to dss then we'll do that directly (if he's mature enough to handle it - mind you, we have an account for him that will have several thousand pounds he can access at 18).

MeridianB Thu 21-May-15 20:07:43

I'd definitely give any money to the 'children' direct rather than through MUm at this age. Nothing negative about that, just what makes sense at their age. No harm in telling their Mum what is being given so she is kept in the loop/reassured and not fleeced by daughters asking for more cash

If they were my children I'd sit each down on their own and go through their income and outgoings. There may be some ways they could save but even if there are not, learning how to budget can only be a good thing.

Once your DH has a clearer picture of what they have and what they need then it should make things simpler and hopefully more effective.

ChillySundays Thu 21-May-15 20:32:25

Once at uni the money should be going to the DC direct.

Plenty of students work and study so they should be looking at getting a part time job

she diverts a lot to the child studying medicine Do oyu mean that she is keeping the rest?

Blazing88 Thu 21-May-15 20:36:11

At that age, I got nothing from my parents.

So why on earth should your husband still be contributing? Bonkers.

And if he chooses to? Great. Direct to his kids. They're adults

Fairylea Thu 21-May-15 20:40:45

I think at that age they should be supporting themselves. I'm shocked he's still paying maintenance for two adults!

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Thu 21-May-15 20:52:40

Any money he wants to contribute should go directly to his adult (<<key word) children. It shouldn't be going to the mum!

mrssmith79 Thu 21-May-15 20:55:44

If he wants to help out his dc then great (although he is under no obligation). The money should be deposited straight into their accounts though. 250 each pcm is a lot though, all things considered.

oneowlgirl Thu 21-May-15 21:09:42

I agree with the others, but at the same time, think it's his business & up to him how he wants to support his children (adult or not) & his ex wife.

den1se10 Thu 21-May-15 23:31:55

Thank you all for your responses..I've been feeling a bit like the wicked step-mum!
To try and answer the questions. The money he gives is purely for the kids... (although they are adults), his ex has a pretty good job.
It seems the medical student gets the bulk of the money and the other gets about 50 quid occasionally.
I feel that he should either give the cash to them directly and fairly or stop paying and as someone suggested, cover the cost of the rent until the end of the course. He's a good man and I feel like he's being used/manipulated in a sense....If that makes sense.

BlackandGold Thu 21-May-15 23:39:57

GEM students still get loans but, yes, do need extra financial support. We're currently in year 4 out of 5 of this but surely the money should be paid directly to each student.
I would also hope that the ex is supporting them to the same extent.

Corygal Thu 21-May-15 23:44:41

If he's going to help the children, he should at least pay them direct.

Inertia Thu 21-May-15 23:48:24

Whatever he decides he give his children to support them should be paid to each child directly - no need for his ex-wife to be involved at all. If the children stay with her then she can negotiate their rent directly with them.

CatMilkMan Thu 21-May-15 23:48:27

It's crazy that he is giving them money through someone else, they are adults.

Wdigin2this Fri 22-May-15 09:27:52

At the age his children are now, there is absolutely no reason he should be 'paying' their mother anything, they are young adults! If he wants to continue helping them out, then pay a monthly sum into their bank accounts commensurate with their current earning ability!

yellowdaisies Fri 22-May-15 10:20:39

He should give cash to his adult daugters directly if he wants to and is able to afford to do so. Why is he giving his ex wife money? It's not her money. She's not "responsible" for providing for the adult children any more than your DP is.

My DH is about to stop paying his ex for DSC1, who'll be off to Uni in the autumn. He'll start a direct debit to her. It's a nice marker of her now being an adult and having her own direct relationship with her dad which doesn't involve her DM in the finances. We've had lots of problems with her DM not giving DSC1 sufficient spending money so it'll be lovely for her to have the money direct.

I can't understand why you wouldn't do that at 18, never mind at 23/25 shock

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