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dps ex being extremely unreasonable

(15 Posts)
butterflyballs Wed 20-May-15 22:53:03

Dp used to have his dd four nights out of fourteen plus a lot extra until his ex moved away last summer. Now contact has been cut back so much he barely sees her. The last time we had her, a few weeks ago we asked her if she wanted to come to us at half term and she said yes.

On Monday we saw her briefly as it was her birthday, literally five minutes and dsd asked dp if she could still come and he said yes, he wants her here. I was talking to another parent so didn't hear this conversation but believe dp when he says that's what was said.

So yesterday and today he's been calling trying to talk to ex to find out days/Times. Nothing, no reply. He's got an email tonight saying that as I told his dsd on Monday that we are busy next week that she's made arrangements to do stuff with her instead. I am stunned. Either she's made this up or dsd has lied. Dsd is 12.

Dp is gutted. Recant talk to dsd on the phone. It either goes to answer phone or is answered and he's told dsd is out/busy/sleeping. There is no court order but there was no need for one as things were fine until she moved. Every refusal has a flimsy reason attached normally blaming us for something which either dsd has made up or ex has invented. I just feel so sorry for dp as despite us being really broke we've managed to scrape enough money together to make sure we could take the girls swimming (dsd and my dds) and to take her shopping for her birthday.

Just need to vent. Dp is low anyway, this is hitting him hard.

Starlightbright1 Wed 20-May-15 22:56:49

Can I suggest 2 things..Mediation also try communicating with his DD via email or text to her phone

butterflyballs Wed 20-May-15 23:09:02

Mediation broke down during the divorce. Things are very acrimonious between them as dp is taking ex back to court over the finances as she lied and he has proof she lied. So she's pissed at him, his oldest is pissed at him because ex has told her half the truth but oldest won't listen to dp, has totally sided with ex and refuses to put youngest on the phone if dp gets through on oldest dd mobile.

Dsd has a phone but it's never on, normally out of charge or left somewhere. She doesn't have an email address so have to contact through ex or the landline, both of which always go to answer phone.

thepurplehen Thu 21-May-15 07:19:44

Do some research on parental alienation. It sounds like this is what you are up against with mum and sister. hmm

Mediation may be the only way but they might deem dsd old enough to "decide for herself" at age 12.

Spotifymuse Thu 21-May-15 09:44:41

It was very unfair of your DP to make arrangements directly with the child, given the background. That seems like a pretty sneaky thing to do and has put her in a very difficult situation.
Mediation sounds like the only option with a clear schedule of holiday contact agreed.

butterflyballs Thu 21-May-15 11:17:29

It was the child that said to dp on Monday his week, do you still want me to come for half term. Dp has then spent two days trying to phone his ex with no answer until getting an email. In the email his ex states that I had told his dsd on Monday that we are busy next week and therefore ex has now made arrangements for next week. Dp rang on Tuesday and yesterday and yet between Monday at 9pm and lunchtime on Tuesday ex has managed to fill every single one of the 9 days she is off and will not let her come here. This happened at Easter when dsd was also "busy" for the entire fortnight and the previous half term when dp got a whole two days.

It's all very well saying he needs to talk to her but a)she will not actually talk to him and b)she refuses contact except for a few days once every six to eight weeks.

butterflyballs Fri 22-May-15 01:07:53

Dp tried to ring to speak to dsd tonight. Every phone to to voicemail or answer phone. This was at 8.45pm. So despite being told he can ring her any time that's three days in a row the phones have not been answered.

butterflyballs Fri 22-May-15 19:48:16

And again tonight. No answer. No return call from dsd. Another message left asking to speak to dsd.

olgaga Fri 22-May-15 23:19:15

Can't they email?

It's not right for him to be arranging contact directly with a 12 year old. Her mother has to be involved in these arrangements.

If she is preventing agreed contact (as opposed to ad hoc arrangements made through a 12 year old without consultation with her) then yes mediation or family court is the only answer.

butterflyballs Sat 23-May-15 00:13:37

Contact was regular until the move. Now every time he asks his ex to see dsd he gets informed dsd is either busy or has been given the choice and chosen to stay with ex. Every holiday. So we asked dsd if she would like to come to us this half term and she said yes. Dp then tried to sort it with ex but ex will not answer the phone or respond to messages. She finally emailed and said it's too short notice. It wouldn't have been if she had responded earlier. She said he can talk to to dsd on the phone or see her any time.

So why doesn't the phone get answered and why no return calls? It's very unfair and ex seems to be using a comment I didn't make as a reason to withhold contact.

She has form for this. A week we were meant to have her one summer she booked dsd onto a week's holiday. Said she had given dsd the choice. Or offers trips to cinema and meals out as a way to entice her to stay home.

How can dp speak to his dd if they never answer the phone? And how can contact be sorted if every time he asks he's turned down?

He's been offered two days in June. One of the days dsd is sailing all day. So we drive 70 miles to get her, have her for a day, take her to sailing thing, then drive her home. We wanted her here for most of half term so we actually have time with her not spend one day sitting about while she does homework and the other day she's not even with us.

Melonfool Sat 23-May-15 00:43:40

He needs to go via the court. And sadly you need to avoid being on your own with her so tales cannot be made up as you'll always have a witness.

Spotifymuse Sat 23-May-15 11:42:36

First you said it was the child who asked if she could come and then you said it was you who asked her ? Which was it OP?

Melonfool Sat 23-May-15 11:59:42

It was both, they asked the child if she would like it and later the child asked if she could still come.

Letitgoletitgo Sat 23-May-15 12:16:13

Definitely sounds like her dm is avoiding contact and potentially manipulating dsd. If she won't speak to you then it looks like your only option is family court, to get a formal written agreement which will be stuck to regardless of them moving house. Good luck x

butterflyballs Sat 23-May-15 16:15:40

Dp finally spoke to DSD today. She's been offered a holiday. What a surprise.

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