Savings account

[Themrmen]

I don't think I am in the wrong but it's caused such ructions that maybe my view is getting clouded.

Basically when my ds (with my dp) was born I opened a savings account and put money in every month, I spoke to my dp when first opened and he didn't have any spare money to contribute so only my money goes in every month. Dps ex has found out about (via nosey sil) and is demanding that I open accounts for dsd and dss and split the money so far saved and then contribute to all three. I have point blank refused, it is not my job to save for their futures both her and my dp are capable of doing this so why should I??? As usual extended family (his) are all involved now and saying it's unfair and I'm obviously disadvantaging my dsc in preference to my ds, which I suppose they are techincally right about, but I am furious that I am being seen as a bad guy for saving for my ds future. When they're not doing anything. Dp is arg teeing with me but has murmured about opening the other accounts and maybe a token amount would be fair, I told him where to go. So am I being a massive bitch???

[crossroads15]

No of course you're not. If only you have contributed to the account, that's nothing to do with anyone but you. You are saving for your child.

By all means open accounts for your SC and then give their parents the account details so they can pay into them...

[FeckTheMagicDragon]

No, I don't think you are wrong. They are all capable of opening a savings account for the children. I'm assuming here that your DP contributes fully to all his DCs upbringing, so if he wants to open other savings accounts for your DSC as well, and then put in the same amount to ALL of them, that fine. You could suggest to the extended family that they open savings accounts and also contribute. If they are that fussed.

[Micah]

Tell them you can't open an account without their birth certificates and child benefit letter.

Whoever has those documents needs to open the accounts, then your dp will contribute exactly the same to all 3 accounts.

[thinkfast]

If the money is in an account in you ds' name it would be theft for you to withdraw it and unilaterally give it to someone else!

[Themrmen]

Yes dp pays csa plus extras for dsc and I only have ds which is ours together.

Didn't realise it was theft, that puts a stop to that rubbish and you're right I needed to give copies of his birth certificate to open ds one.

Think it's any excuse to take offence at something I do for ds.

[Morien]

I'm with you entirely. We're in a similar situation in that I opened a savings account for my DD with DH and only I pay into it. If DH and his ex want to save for their 3 DCs, that's their business, not mine.

[yellowdaisies]

I think it's fair enough if you and your DP keep your finances separate and neither is supporting the other one.

If you have joint family finances then I can't quite see how you have spare money for your DS but your DP doesn't have any spare for his DC.

[catsmother]

It sounds as if the OP and her DP either have separate finances, or, maybe they each have an agreed amount of 'personal' spending money each month to do whatever they want and OP has chosen to save it.

Presumably, if the DP thinks this unfair he'd have objected long before now ....

... but seemingly not, as OP said she discussed this with him way back when.

What'd really piss me off about this is the nosey SIL. How on earth did she even find out about the account ? .... I bloody well hope she hasn't been rifling through personal docs. And then shit stirring with ex, who, if she was any sort of decent and reasonable person, would have ignored her anyway .... unless she thinks that DP is also contributing, in which case she might have had a point but am guessing she's now been set straight on that one ?

I don't know how you stop yourself telling the whole bloody lot of them to fuck right off. They are waaayy overstepping boundaries here.

And if, your DP belatedly gets an attack of 'the guilts' and does something for the other children, then he should also, as others have said, make the same contribution for your DS in addition to what you're already doing. HE has a responsibility to all of those kids if he now decides he wants to save, you only have a responsibility to your own child in that respect. And if ridiculous ex still isn't happy she can make up any shortfall can't she, what with her actually being the children's other parent.

[catsmother]

I feel really angry for you .... you shouldn't have to be explaining or justifying yourself in any way here.

[Charlie52]

Gosh sod that for a laugh. DSC's have two parents who can contribute - why on earth should you contribute too?! Think ex, sil and your DP are over stepping they mark! As others have said, if DP now wants to start saving he should put an equal amount in ALL of his DC's accounts - including yours together!

Gosh this makes me really angry on you behalf!

[Themrmen]

Me and dp do have seperate finances, money goes into a joint account for bills etc. What's left is for personal bills and spending money. If he wants to set one up for dsc that's up to him but I would say that he would then have to contribute to ds's one.

My dp mentioned it as apparently she was going on about her ds junior isa account and he mentioned ds, I have said to him to stop telling them info and I've said that I'm sick of them and want nothing to do with them unless mandatory.

[thepurplehen]

Yanbu.

If everyone else is so worried why haven't they set up accounts for dsc?

My ds has savings, my dsc of the same age have none through us. I chose to save for my ds before I met dp. Dp chose to let his kids spend their money. I can just imagine the comments if I came along and then demanded that dsc put half of their birthday and Xmas money away like I made ds do. It's not my place to teach them that, it's a parents place. Your dp can't get out of the crap bit of setting up accounts and actually paying money in but then reward his kids by magically creating a nest egg.

[yellowdaisies]

If your finances are separate, then that's perfectly fair.

Do you think they were really saying that you should be saving for DSC? Not your DP?

[Themrmen]

Yes that's exactly what they were saying. The ex and my sil are totally obsessed with making sure that ds gets nothing extra than the dsc, to the point where it's detrimental to my ds. it's frustrating, we had to buy a new summer wardrobe as ds literally had no summer clothes, he's only 18 months so out grew everything, so primark stock up and he's sorted. Sil of course told ex who is demanding new summer wardrobe for dsc, which to kit them out an entire new wardrobe will cost a lot more than £50 and they don't need it. We can't afford to do it just to make things equal when it is not needed.

[kittensinmydinner]

You really must tell dsil to fuck off to the far side of fuck... This is so out of order. We have a similar situation in reverse in that My dcs father is dead, as are their paternal grandparents. Dh and Ex dcs have both sets. Ex wife's parents spoil dcs rotten (which is lovely for them) expensive presents, wonderful foreign holidays, fantastic activities. My parents have many dgs and a lower income, Dh parents also on fairly minimal pension. So, every year when it comes to holidays I try to find a holiday we can afford to take ALL children on as we will both be paying. This means we haven't been abroad yet with the children as it's not financially viable with 8 of them. This seems hugely unfair on my dcs especially when their step siblings have been on three luxury foreign holidays with their mum and gps already this year, but that's the way it goes. On a positive note, Dd1 and Dd2 have both been on foreign trips with the school this year, which I paid for myself. The 'rules' are simple. For things that are paid for jointly, then all children must be treated equally. For things paid for by the children's natural parent from their own money, then that is up to them and no one else's business. As for clothes - which usually come out of joint household budget, they are bought when 'needed' . Ex sounds completely psychotic and obviously stirred into these ridiculous pronouncements by a shit stirring SIL. Your DP needs to keep his cards closer to his chest as obviously everything you do, is reported back.

[kittensinmydinner]

When I say things that are paid for jointly should be bought for all children - I need to clarify that 'things' does not include anything already covered by child maintenance . I am specifically talking about 'things' over and above such as holidays/presents/activities/savings accounts etc

[HesBeenAVeryNaughtyBoy]

We are in the same position that my DC with DH have savings. I have no idea if my step DC do because it's NON OF MY BUSINESS! My dad and myself (from my "spending" money) put money into the accounts. When they have birthday money that goes into the account to. My DH has nothing to do with it he puts nothing in. That makes him sound feckless!! He's not he obviously pays maintance both parties are happy with along with housing and feeding our children and DSC when here. Every parent has responsibility, including financial, for their own DC. I choose to prioritise saving for mine DSC mum may choose differently alternatively they may have thousands my DC do not but that's life.

[Themrmen]

The stupid thing with the clothes is their mum won't send them with anything so we had to buy all their clothes for here when they stay, so it's not like she even gains anything from us buying them any as they'd stay at our house.

I have so many arguments with dp about not telling his sister anything as it always leads to this shit.

We do treat them equally, we can't afford to take everyone on holiday so we can't go, although dsc been on two foreign holidays this year, I do feel that ds is missing out on stuff like holidays etc. But also affection and attention from sil, who is completely besotted with dsc and goes to visit them (3 hr round trip) when they're up with us she takes them out for days out etc. But she barely registers ds at all except to take report back to ex what he's got etc.

I have taken a massive step back from her and don't really allow ds to witness the gushing ridiculousness of her with dsc as I'm sure when he gets older hell begin to question why them and not him and I don't want that.

[MeridianB]

Mrmen, this is completely outrageous nonsense. SIL and Ex sound irrational. You stick to your guns and keep hold of your son's money. It's nothing to do with them.

It sounds like Your DH needs to open his mouth and tell them both to stop being daft and then close it and stop sharing info.

In a world where we have so little time and energy, this sort of nonsense takes up way too much of both.

[hampsterdam]

You need to go completely no contact with his spiteful idiot sister. Seriously if she wants to take dsc out let her pick them up from the front door. No one so toxic would be coming into my house or near my ds.
They have got no respect for you I think your dh needs to do more to protect you from this completely unreasonable shit.

[Themrmen]

Yes he is close to my side who adore him. Don't see them much though due to distance, his side live 15 mins away but we only see them is dsc are here. I have nothing to do with sil really now, sick of having to defend myself over ridiculous stuff. Dsc are with at the weekend so she's taking them to the park, dp asked if ds and me are going and said no. He'll be ignored and I'll be pissed off, so taking him off out somewhere else.

[MeridianB]

Actually, having read latest comments, I completely agree with hampsterdam, above.