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Husband pressurising me to spend time with his ex on dsd birthday

(29 Posts)
Mariejen26 Sat 09-May-15 22:58:43

Hello,
I'm new to this site but desperately need an outlet.
Next sunday is my dsd 10th birthday ( my birthday is the day after hers!). It would normally be her mum's weekend to have her. On the Saturday her mum is having a tea party with all of her family and some of dsd friends at her house. Not sure if we were invited or not but DH wouldn't go anyway as when I mentioned it he said his ex's brother would be there who he doesn't get on with. He then said that his ex had mentioned going out for a meal on the Sunday- just us 3 with dsd and dd) . I really did not want to do this- it felt too intimate. I do not have much to do with his ex- he does all the communication plus his ex's behaviour over various things has upset me in the past. (I have never and would never confront her though! ) so I suggested a tea party at our house instead - hoping she wouldn't come but if she did at least I could kind of avoid having to chat to her as lots of other people around. Anyway, she's coming, and so is her mother (dsd nanny). I am now dreading it. Feel sick at the thought of her being in my house, chatting to my MIL and sister in law. I just feel upset as every year I am made to feel guilty by having the 'it's not about you it's about dsd' card thrown at me. 2 years ago DH was working so I went to his ex's house- pregnant and with morning sickness- to help with her party and to be there for dsd. Makes me more upset as it's my birthday weekend too and I always end up stressed out and dreading it as I have to see and spend time with his ex.

Am I being selfish? Should I just paste on a false smile suck it up and deal with it for dsd sake? Pretend everything is fine? Or do any of you think I should be more forceful and insist on our own celebration without his ex? DH gets very very defensive over DSD. (Btw we have one dd together who is 18 months old)
Thank you in advance for your honesty!

AlpacaMyBags Sat 09-May-15 23:02:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

todayiamfat Sat 09-May-15 23:04:15

You can't cancel now. You will have to do the fake smile for dsd.

I do get it btw. I am both the exW and the new DP. But it has to be about the dc. And you shouldn't have suggested it.

Have a celebration for you bday the following weekend flowers

OffTheBackOfALaurie Sat 09-May-15 23:05:44

Bit it is about your dsd, not about you.
Why s your dsd's family any threat to YOU?
Why do you need to let one event ruin the next day, your birthday?
Are you naturally very insecure or jealous?
I think it's great that your DH and dsd's mother are making an effort for your dsd's whole family to celebrate together.

ltk Sat 09-May-15 23:07:40

I would prefer neutral territory rather than having her in my home. I would prefer even more to go away for my birthday weekend with dh and dd, while dsd is having a lovely party at Mum's. You and dh can make a fuss of her before or after the weekend- take her somewhere special, just the 3 of you, and get a sitter for dd. The ex does not need to be invited.

ltk Sat 09-May-15 23:10:30

By the way, I would do the weekend away next year. This year you are locked into the tea party you agreed to throw
Good luck.0

Mariejen26 Sat 09-May-15 23:11:41

I wasn't going to cancel, I was just wanting opinions as this could happen for years to come.

Mariejen26 Sat 09-May-15 23:15:54

Oh and she has tried to throw many spanners in the works over the last 7 years!!!

AlpacaMyBags Sat 09-May-15 23:51:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Sun 10-May-15 01:05:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

swingofthings Sun 10-May-15 06:49:47

I think you are very lucky that the Ex is acting so open about your place in your sd's life, firstly by inviting you to the meal, and then being flexible and agreeing to come to YOUR house. What more do you want?

The more you go through these situations and the less awkward they will become so that hopefully by the time dsd marries, you will all be comfortable with each other and actually enjoy to day!

I think it is not about suck it up but about telling yourself that you have married a man with an ex in his life, that at least she is respectful enough to consider you, that she is prepared to make an effort to come to your house and so that maybe you could actually make it a day that doesn't have to be miserable for you.

lunar1 Sun 10-May-15 07:50:01

Oh dear, the meal would have been so much easier! I think a quick meal once a year is ok. Plus she wants you there, she could have wanted a meal with just the three of them.

If it helps I doubt dsd's mum is looking forward to coming to your house.

mugglingalong Sun 10-May-15 08:04:02

Not the same but there is only one day between dd2 and my birthday. I have even held her party on my birthday. I just make sure that I have an 'official birthday' a different day. Maybe make next Saturday tell dh you want your official celebration of your birthday - presents from dh, breakfast in bed out for afternoon tea etc. Then Sunday put on brave face and get through it. It is easier when the birthday is during the week - she has one weekend and you have other. Probably won't be on same weekend until she is 15 by which time she will be out with her mates.

riverboat1 Sun 10-May-15 08:14:55

I don't really understand the problem tbh, as someone who sees quite a bit of my DP's ex.

Do you actually find her rude/inappropriate/difficult to make civil conversation with at this type of event? Because that, I would get. But if it's just the 'idea' of the whole thing you dislike ie the ex on your territory talking to your in laws, I think you just need to try to grit your teeth and get over it, because it's not that big a deal really if it's only once a year.

confused79 Sun 10-May-15 08:23:26

As someone said above, at least you're being included in events when it comes to your stepdaughter. When partner and I first moved in together (we'd been together 3 years, and had just had our son) his ex wife would always invite me to their children's birthday get together, and me having an axe to grind, always refused (partner always want though, I NEVER included him in mine and his exes gripes). Now, i wish I'd gone as 4 years on (from that point, 7 years in total) it's awkward, his ex and I only just acknowledge each other if we see one another in the street, and with his children, we're polite to each other but I'm seen as nothing more as "dad's girlfriend".
Whilst I know his ex only invited me to these events to kind of figure me out, see what I was like as a person and "show off her huge new house, whilst we were stuck in our small one which gets even more cramped with the kids at the weekend", I really wish I'd made an effort at the beginning. Yes I had qualms with the ex, all little things like her ruining the night I gave birth by throwing a tantrum, but things would be a lot less awkward now if I'd gone along with it.

MyCatIsAGit Sun 10-May-15 08:34:57

Try and get on with the ex. You've got years of this, weddings, funerals, graduations, Big Birthdays.

Its so much easier for everyone else if you can all happily be in the sane room at once, but awkward at first, but you probably just need to get over yourself.

Tryharder Sun 10-May-15 16:45:52

You invited her and she accepted???!!

What a bitch!

Would you rather your DP go off alone to celebrate his DD's birthday with his XW? I think you're lucky that things are relatively amicable.

hoobygalooby Sun 10-May-15 18:59:12

Be nice!
It will reap rewards in the future.
Sorry but kids birthdays are a bigger occasion than adult birthdays (step or not)
As a child of divorced parents I really appreciated it when my parents got together for our sake on big occasions with step parents too.
Your birthday can still be celebrated the day or even the weekend after. Don't be spoilt about it.

Mariestepmum Sun 10-May-15 19:04:32

Hi,
Each person and experience is different, therefore I do not know how you really feel and the factors around these.: so won't judge or suggest what your feeling is wrong: because it's not, it simply the way you feel,

It does however sound like this whole thing is causing you an unfair amount of stress. And a stressed out, up set adult makes an unhappy step parent or parent.
Chances are exW is also feeling similar.

So here's my suggestion: just pop in say hello and excuse yourself.
You don't have to sit there and play dutiful step mum and girlfriend/wife for hours. It's important to show love for your step child and unity as parents together but not a whole day/party of dreed.
So pop in 30 mins and then go, you might find you feel happy there and stay longer, stranger things have happened.

We only live once and we can't pleases everyone. Be kind to yourself.
Xx hugs xX

Charlie52 Sun 10-May-15 19:10:23

Eek! I can't imagine anything worse than DP's ex being in our house. Then again, the relationship is far from amicable between DP and his ex so I guess that's where the difference lies. I think as others have said you just have to paint on a smile this year but and I'm going against the grain here, in future I'd always go for separate parties. DSD will get used to it and who wouldn't want two days of celebrations and being spoiled rather than just one!

Ifonly4oneday Mon 11-May-15 06:39:30

I have read all of the comments and I have to say Charlie, I totally agree with yours. There is no way in hell we would be inviting ex to our tea party for DSD birthday! We have separate celebrations and have done since DSD was 2 (thankfully she knows no different) and there is nothing coming over her! It's like Christmas, she gets 2 separate celebrations. She has 2 families and celebrates with both at different times. I really feel for you OP and good luck with it. I would speak with DP and say that after this birthday you will be wanting to do something fun with DSD when you have her (around birthday time) take her to pictures or bowling with some friends! Hope all goes well! And hold your head up high and look forward to a few glasses of vino after the party and enjoy ur bday! Xx

Maybe83 Mon 11-May-15 08:07:57

I ve always done joint celebrations with my dd. Generally we agree on Christmas and birthday presents and split the costs or the list. Me and my ex haven't always had the easiest relationship his dp was the the the woman. We just felt there was no need to have separate birthdays, her parties could have been a couple of hundred so she certainly was getting two! It's a couple of hours to smile and be nice hardly the end of the world.

My dh on the other hand never had joint anything for his son. His ex and ss mam hated each other and wouldn't be in the same room if their lives depended on it. So my ss has ended up getting double of everything. No cross over between homes two Christmas two birthdays. He turned 18 earlier this year. Do you know what he asked for his birthday? One joint party because he s never had the opportunity to share a celebration with all of his family.

I know which way I prefer to have raised my daughter. There won't be ark wardens when she graduates or gets married or has her own children.

Thankfully I get on with ss mam so hopefully there won't be when my ss moves on to that part of his life now.

MyCatIsAGit Mon 11-May-15 10:16:54

We had a big family tea party last night with everyone there for DSS birthday, including DH's ex, GPs, cousins etc It was good fun.

They've been split 10 years, its amicable, and my God that is so much easier than some of the stories on here. It's taken some lip biting, from both sides I'm sure, but we've got there.

Otherwise what is the poor kid going to do when it comes to who to invite to their wedding, or who will the PILs invite to Big Wedding Anniversaries? This was a conscious decision from the beginning.

Totally agree with poster above.

So I wouldn't work on doing something separate next year, enjoy the day (even if you are only pretending - it's only a couple of hours a year!) and then enjoy your own birthday the next day.

whiteiris Tue 12-May-15 05:27:59

No, if you're not feeling comfortable don't do it again. It's fine not to feel comfortable with your partner's ex.

MrNedSchneebly Tue 12-May-15 06:13:25

I'd say more information is needed about the ExW. Do you have other problems with her? Does she behave particularly badly towards you? If not and it's just the concept of spending time with her id say YAB very U. That's life when you marry someone with an ExW and DCS.

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