Hi can I please have your views on this situation

[Mumsy2629]

Hi there, I am a mother of two and stepmother of one I have a son 9yrs and a daughter 1, my step son is also 9yrs.
In my situation, I don't have any problems with my step son, it's the hassle that is caused between his mother and my husband. It's ok 80% of the time then some situation will arise and everything blows up! I find myself getting very stressed and frustrated as I don't want to intervene and be help responsible for anything.

after rows over finances in the past my husband contacted CSA himself to find out what he was legally obliged to pay to the mother of his child as the arguments were constant and he no longer wanted to deal with her on the matter. She after this, blew up even more saying he couldn't be declaring all his income and accusing myself of claiming tax credits etc, which was complete nonsense, she threatens to call and report us etc, we encouraged her to do so as we had been completely honest and had nothing to hide, so for her son since then, we have paid her £180 every month via bank transfer, we pay £150 towards summer clothing, £150 towards winter clothing and £100 towards school clothing, plus if anything ever comes up we will always pay half for anything he needs.

On top of that we collect him 2days a week from school one of which he stays with us over night, and have him every second weekend (her choice we would have him more) weave him half of the school holidays also. we give him £100 spending money if he ever goes on holiday, we halfed for his passport, he gets £200 on birthdays, £700 at Xmas from us, we do all the dropping off and collecting.

My husband was contacted the other day by her and she told him she was going to put her son into after school care three days a week as she was unable to collect him as she works past that time, and asked if we could pay half, £80 per month, we had a discussion about this and concluded its not possible as we just simply can't afford it. I also cannot collect him any more days from school as I have my own son to collect, she has since then went off her head, saying she is going to citizens advise etc, and said he is a joke of a father etc, this just doesn't seem right to me? Can anyone offer me some advise?? Please?? Lol thanks xxx

[Alpinecrunch]

Goodness, she sounds very unreasonable on the face of it. I would just go through the csa, then agree a reasonable schedule that's very set and stick to it. You sound lovely. I wish my son had a step mother like you. Sadly, I don't think being as flexible as you are will work, sometimes you just need to be a bit more prescriptive. Maybe the mother is struggling. It's hard being a lone parent but you're also entitled to an enjoyable life. I think once everything's been set out she will get used to it. I don't know all the circumstances but maybe if she's really stressed your partner could discuss things sympathetically with her as an initial approach?

[YDdraigGoch]

Sorry, I stopped reading at we give him £700 for Christmas
He's 9 FFS. £700? Really?

[Maroonie]

My advice would be to not get drawn into an argument.
if you and DP are giving what you can then as long as it's above CSA minimum you can't be forced to give more.
Lots of families finances are finely balanced and if you don't have the extra then there's nothing you can do.
Be honest with yourself about whether you can afford it and if you can't then you can't.
does sound like you could cut back on Christmas though- £700 is a huge amount!

[lk26]

I read the £700 at Xmas thing twice !! Crikey

[Husbanddoestheironing]

Whatever you do will probably be 'wrong' so I would go with the recommended amounts and what you feel is right and fair. Hold on to the fact that it won't go on for ever even if it feels like it is....

[Mumsy2629]

In the divorce settlement it was agreed that my husband would have his son tues and we'd 6pm till 8pm and staying over every second weekend, the during the week schedule changed to help her out by collecting him from school. I completely understand is she is struggling as I was a single mother for nearly 7 years with no help financially or supportively from my child's father. I would never be in a relationship with a man who would not care and provide for his children as I know what it's like on the other side. And I myself am happy to go out my way to help out aswell, they have been separated for 3 years! Yet this kind of stuff keeps happening? I'm at my whits end with it, my husband contacted her and told her we couldn't pay it, and he didn't feel right about it as we collect him half the week the other half is her responsibility, so why should we be paying for it? When we currently already pay so much? And I must admit I agree here as I cannot get a career myself as I do not have the child care, I can't afford to send my own kids to child care so I can work more, yet Id be collecting her son from school half the week AND paying for her half of the week also? She has now contacted my husband and told him that her bf will help her pay for it bit he should be ashamed as it should be him? I think that's completely wrong!? Xxx

[Eustasiavye]

If you can't afford it then say no.

She is free to seek legal advice but I think you are being perfectly reasonable.

Sounds a tough situation.

[Mumsy2629]

Lol sorry I should have explained, the only reason Xmas and bday is so much is my husband gets vouchers from work at these times for hitting targets, and when he gets bonuses he like to spoil the kids, my step son esp as he feels guilty he left the family home.

[Mumsy2629]

We pay £30 per month more than what he is legally obliged to pay, because we feel we can afford that and are happy too, xx

[Husbanddoestheironing]

I would suggest that if you are taking your fair share (ie half) of the school pick ups then it's not your job to help pay for childcare the other days. We all have to work around the childcare we can afford; can she not work on the days that you pick up instead? Or is it every day? Maybe sharing the school drop offs too would allow her to work affordably? If she gets awkward I guess you have to re-enforce what you have to pay and leave it at that. You have my sympathies after years of similar over my now grown up DSD

[Mumsy2629]

It's set full time hours she works, she is in training to become a social worker, and trying to make a better life for her and her son, I applaud her for this, but I'm affraid it's not my husbands fault that she can't collect her son from school, she constantly says I do the things he should be doing.. Ie the school pick up, but he is at work making money to pay for his kids.. As is she she arranged others to collect her son also, but now the person who had been collecting him can no longer do it, we're getting all this heartache and grief xx

[Mumsy2629]

Oh and probably should add, his first communion is coming up and we have 20 people attending. She has 60 odd our cost has been £500 odd for 20 people as she's booked photo booths etc in a fancy hotel, I can't imagine what her cost was! That doesn't sound like someone having a hard time? Xxx

[Husbanddoestheironing]

That sounds astonishing, my first reaction being that the cost for 60 guests would cover quite a few weeks of childcare! Is she training on placement through a university? They sometimes have hardship funds for students with that type of cost problem, though as you say ?hardship given the cost of the party. I found the only helpful thing to do in this sort of situation was to vent elsewhere (to a long suffering friend, as MN didn't exist then) and calm down, then agree a fixed line with your husband and stick to it between you- write it all down if necessary. We used to state it as 'we only have a budget of x for that' or something along those lines. We were dealing with someone who really seemed to have little concept of budgeting and money (and how hard it was to earn it!) and I bit my tongue so often for so many years. But if you are lucky it will pay off eventually. We also used to make sure only my DH dealt directly with his ex, which is where the agreeing things beforehand comes in. Really it's not her business if you are picking up rather than your husband, so long as your stepson is getting sufficient 1 to 1 time with him at another time. Sorry that I don't have a magic wand. I do hope you get this sorted.

[Mumsy2629]

Thanks for the advise, Its funny how just talking to an outsider helps, I was just feeling a bit confused and also a bit guilty, when my husband and her have issues a lot of the time I sit him down and explain things from her point of view, because I've been there, but this time I just can't because I really think she's wrong. X

[Mumsy2629]

Oh and yes she's training through university xx