Grieving what never will be

(15 Posts)
Themrmen Mon 27-Apr-15 20:52:37

Not really sure whether this the right place but my and dp have a ds together, he has ds and dd from previous relationship.

When we first got together I was very clear about wanting children, said right at the beginning that I wanted 2, I said right at the beginning as I didn't want to get to far involved for him to say he didn't want more.

Now we've had ds he is saying that three dcs are enough and he doesn't want anymore and I should be happy with the 3 we have. Whilst I care for my dsc they're not mine, I don't raise them, they don't call me mummy and I don't have the unconditional live and bond, it just isn't the same as having my own baby.

We're at a standstill he doesn't and I do. I feel quite resentful as I made it clear from so early on what I wanted and he just says now, well we wee first dating of course I agreed with you angry

Has anyone faced this? I love my dp and our family life and u do love my life at the moment but I feel like I've been tricked.

Suppose I needed a rant more than anything, just feeling so sad

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Mon 27-Apr-15 21:23:33

I can empathise with how you're feeling themrmen. The fact is, he has 3 but you have 1. His children will never be "yours", so IMHO he's wrong when he says you "should be happy with the 3 we have". I'm alright jack comes to mind!

Anyway, I have read your threads in the past and I know your DS gets pushed aside in favour of his older siblings. As he grows up, a sibling who he is much closer to would probably be a really positive thing for him as he won't feel like the only one.

I know you can't force him to have another child if he doesn't want one, but it sounds like he has been quite deceitful just agreeing to something as big as that just to "shut you up".
You've always been clear about how many children you would like. Did he think you were just having a laugh?

No wonder you're sad and annoyed with him.

Themrmen Mon 27-Apr-15 21:34:29

Apparently he agreed when we first dating cause he really liked me and just thought that later on if probably change my mind, he really does think his two should be enough for me and although I've explained numerous times it's not the same at all. I'd love my ds to have a close sibling that he is with 24/7, I love my siblings and we're all so close now that I would like that for him.

GatoradeMeBitch Mon 27-Apr-15 21:48:08

It is a shame. It was the opposite dynamic in my family, me first, then DM had two more DCs with DSF, and DF had four more with DSM. They do seem to have closer bonds, being full siblings. I'm sure that's not how it is in all families, but I have always felt slightly left out, like it's just me. Six half siblings and I feel like an only child!

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Mon 27-Apr-15 21:49:18

You're right it's not the same. And I really understand that you'd want a close sibling for your DS. I hope your DP realises how nice it would be for your DS. Especially if you have 2 close in age. I have 3 with my DP and he has a DD. The boys are definitely a lot closer to each other than they are to their sister, but that is because they see each other a lot more and there is also a much smaller age gap so more in common.

BettyCatKitten Mon 27-Apr-15 23:07:16

He has lied to you. For many women this would be a deal breaker.

Themrmen Tue 28-Apr-15 08:20:49

Not a deal breaker as we love eachother and we have an otherwise happy life together, don't see the point in splitting that up

slkk Tue 28-Apr-15 08:53:44

It's hard and ultimately a choice you have to make - stay with him and only have one dc or leave for a chance of another. I married my dh knowing there was a good chance we would never have dc, even though I wanted them, but I knew I would rather be with him than have dc with anyone else. We now have one dac. Not the life I thought I wanted, not the life I planned, but I'm very happy and can't imagine things differently. Hopefully your ds will grow up closer to his half siblings as they get older and he will enjoy the benefits of being in a busy family some of the time and having all the attention at other times.

slkk Tue 28-Apr-15 08:55:22

But also don't beat yourself up for grieving what will never be. I shed many tears as friends and relatives got pregnant. It's normal. Now it doesn't bother me at all, as I feel my family is as it was meant to be, but it was journey.

Concretekitten Tue 28-Apr-15 09:42:35

its a tricky one.
I'd feel really hurt if I were you OP, I understand why you feel like you've been tricked.
My situation isn't the same but in some ways it's similar. I have DS from previous relationship, DH has two from previous relationship and we have one together.
I love having babies and I know that if it wasn't for the DSC I'd probably be pregnant or trying to conceive right now, I feel ready for another baby but, five kids?! That's just too many. Four is a handful but manageable, the bedrooms are all set up for the four of them, having a fifth would probably require a house move or upsetting DSC by getting rid of their permanent beds. So I know that really I just have to be happy with the two I have for now. Maybe another might be an option in the future but not right now.
It makes me feel quite resentful of the DSC at times. Of course it's not their faults and I was never promised another baby, but there's still a bit of resentment there.

However, I know that if I told DH that I was 100% certain that I wanted another baby he would give me one. We've discussed it and he's said that if its what I really want then we'll find a way and work around the obstacles, even though he is happy with the 4 (3 bio) children he has, he just wants me to be happy.
It's the fact that your DP isn't really taking your feelings in to consideration that would bother me, he's being quite insensitive and selfish.

catsmother Tue 28-Apr-15 09:42:44

This sort of thing makes me bloody angry because clearly having another child - or not - is a pretty black or white situation, one where it's impossible to compromise.

I'd have more respect for him - and I think it'd be easier for you to come to terms with - if he'd sat you down and regretfully explained that he'd changed his mind since originally 'agreeing' to try for two children with you, and then, actually took the time to explain why that was .... e.g. money concerns, accommodation concerns, him finding 3 children a struggle or whatever.

Instead, he's readily admitted that he lied to you .... that he pulled the wool over your eyes regarding his intentions, and then unilaterally changed the goalposts so HE got what HE wanted.

I know you say that otherwise you're happy but I do wonder how you - or anyone - comes to terms with being tricked, which is a lot different IMO, to someone changing their stance on an important issue with genuine reasons to back that up. My fear for you would be that this is the sort of thing you don't easily forget and how much it's going to niggle away at you in years to come .... which of course might well lead to resentment and also affects the trust you have (or not) in him as you may justifiably start to wonder what else he may have lied to you about and how genuine he's being about all sorts of other things.

And of course, the step issue is an added complication which makes something like this even harder to cope with. It's pretty damn insulting to suggest that you should be 'happy' with the three you (plural) apparently have. I know you know why that is, but not least I should imagine your stepchildren's mother wouldn't be happy if you started to act like their 'mother' - assuming you even want to. Sorry, but I think his attitude stinks and is very arrogant ... that his children are so wonderful you should be more than content and abandon all your hopes of another child of your own so you can bask in their presence. Doesn't work like that.

As others have said however what this boils down to is either accepting the situation as it is - or leaving him to give yourself the opportunity (maybe) of eventually meeting someone else and having another child with them. It's not a great choice and I really don't know how to advise you .... it's one thing 'coming to terms' with a situation you don't like which has resulted from sheer bad luck or a combination of circumstances which can't be helped, but quite another to try and do the same where your partner has deliberately misled you over something you'd made crystal clear was really important to you. I'd personally see it as not necessarily coming to terms with having no more children, but coming to terms with the fact he'd lied to me and tricked me. Had he said right at the start he wanted no more chances are you'd have walked - allowing a serious relationship to develop and then have one child quite obviously entangles you in all sorts of ways (emotionally, financially, practically) that make it so much harder to move on if you wanted to.

I'm just very sorry you're having to deal with this and perhaps the best suggestion I can make is some personal counselling for yourself so you can explore your feelings, and your capacity for forgiveness etc., before you make a decision one way or another. Sorry I can't immediately recall your other threads but if, as a PP has suggested, your own child is being pushed aside in favour of his older children, then that makes his stance even more insulting and insensitive, and for me, personally, would be another reason why I'd be thinking very hard about whether or not I could truly hack a future with him.

Am sorry if I've been too blunt - haven't intended to upset you. I just feel very angry for you.

yellowdaisies Tue 28-Apr-15 09:43:16

Saying he'd changed his mind, and no longer felt he wanted another would be fair enough (though still sad for you)

But if he's really saying that he never wanted more than one, and was sure of this, but lied to you to keep you, I think that's very cruel and would be hard to forgive sad

3CheekyLittleMonkeys Tue 28-Apr-15 10:49:34

that his children are so wonderful you should be more than content and abandon all your hopes of another child of your own so you can bask in their presence. Doesn't work like that.

Catsmother said it way better than me! Sorry but anyone who thinks a woman who is with a man with kids should be more than happy to forget that she wants her own children because another woman's children will do as a "substitute" are really quite deluded.

Stepkids aren't the same to a woman as her own children. That might sound harsh but it's true.

Bahh Sat 02-May-15 11:43:21

I agree, changing your mind is still very sad but underatandable. Openly admitting that he has lied to you about a huge part of your relationship would be very difficult for me to get over, personally. Sorry you're going through this.

YouAintSeenNothingYet Sat 02-May-15 20:39:14

How old is your DS? If he's still quite little, he might change his mind.

Have you done such a good job of being the loving, inclusive stepmum that he doesn't realise that it's really not the same for you? It's hard for him to realise, perhaps, that when you are with the three of them you are not feeling (as he is) that you are with your 'three kids'.

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