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Holidays with stepchildren

(120 Posts)
bettyboop1000 Sun 05-Apr-15 12:43:03

I feel awful for thinking this but...I don't want my stepchildren coming on holiday with us. They go on holiday abroad twice a year with their mother plus stay in cottages at least twice a year and have weekends away. I have three children and would like to go away with my DP. He, understandably wants to bring his children with us which hikes up the price so much that in the end, we can only afford to get away for a weekend. I feel that my children are missing out. I don't want to be this nasty stepmother who excludes his children. I don't know what to do other than take my children abroad by myself which isn't really that appealing. I feel very selfish thinking like this but can't help it.

Wdigin2this Sun 05-Apr-15 13:06:12

You're not being selfish, you want to give your children a week's holiday, but you can't do that if you take the DSC! Yes, I can see why DP, doesn't want to leave his DC out but it's not really an option is it?! Can you both take just your 3 for a week, then perhaps later on take all of them for a weekend?

needaholidaynow Sun 05-Apr-15 13:15:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littlemonstersrule Sun 05-Apr-15 13:29:51

I think it's fine to go alone and take your children as their mother does but not fine for their dad to not take them. It's no their fault he no longer lives with him and I can't imagine how hurt they would be if he took your children on holiday and not them.

lunar1 Sun 05-Apr-15 13:37:32

Why don't you take your children away and he take his. My dad used to go away with my step mum and her daughter, it felt like shit.

bettyboop1000 Sun 05-Apr-15 13:40:34

It's difficult especially because his children are so lovely and I wouldn't want to upset them. The only solution I have come up with other than having separate holidays from my DP is to go on holiday at the same time ( but different places) at my step children. My children are in primary school so I can't even go on holiday during term time. I am wondering what other people do.

ActingBusy Sun 05-Apr-15 13:41:32

Are your finances joint or separate?

bettyboop1000 Sun 05-Apr-15 13:44:30

They are separate but when we do things together we always pay jointly.

needaholidaynow Sun 05-Apr-15 13:51:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ActingBusy Sun 05-Apr-15 13:57:26

so price up a holiday for just you and your dc.

then add in your DP and his children.

explain to him that you can't afford to go halves. you'd love his children to come along but he'll have to pay the extra, i.e. you pay for just you and your kids, he pays for just him and his.

Micah Sun 05-Apr-15 14:02:21

We go away without dsc.

It's either go without them or not at all.

I agree with pp. Price up with dsc, and tell dp of course they can come if he finds the money. If he can't afford it it's his decision as to whether he comes with you and your dc. But you go anyway, no reason you and the dc should miss out smile

yellowdaisies Sun 05-Apr-15 16:28:05

Could you go away with your DC and DP, but go at the same time as the DSC are away with their DM? So it's not like they're missing out, it's just that everyone's going on holiday at the same time? I'd probably do that in your situation, but just go for a week and try and do a week somewhere else with the DSC another time, even if that week's just camping or visiting family (ie cheap).

Are your DC a similar age to the DSC? If not could you do some style of holiday they wouldn't enjoy without them?

It's hard because if you look at a holiday as a chance to travel and explore new places, then clearly your DC (and you and DP) deserve to have a holiday more than the DSC (who're already getting one). But if you look at a holiday as a chance to spend quality time together as a family, then you can see why your DP feels his need including as much as yours do.

CalicoBlue Sun 05-Apr-15 16:38:59

We had this problem, slightly differently though. I did not want to go on holiday again with DSS after a few holidays which I felt were spoilt by sulking etc.

DH can afford much more expensive holidays than I can. He would not go on holiday with me and my kids without DSS. So I go on holiday with mine, and he goes on holiday with his DSS. He takes DSS on holiday at least three times a year, plus he pays for his ex to take DSS on holiday at least once more too.

With my kids we tend to stay in the UK or potter around at home, which I prefer anyway. Though I have taken them abroad on my own. They understand the reasons and are not that bothered, but I am sure they would like the holidays DH's does.

Now the kids are getting older we are talking about going on holiday just the two of us, something we have never done.

I would suggest just going on holiday with your kids, and leave DH to make up his own mind. They grow up so quickly it won't be for long.

swingofthings Sun 05-Apr-15 17:01:01

Although the kids get to go on holiday with their mother, they probably just as much wish they could go on holiday with their dad, which they don't do either. I think my kids would say that going on holiday is not just about the place they go to and the activities they do but also about sharing these with the people they love.

I think your OH is right to say that it is wrong your children should get to enjoy sharing that special moment with him but his children don't get this opportunity. It is not their fault that their dad can't afford the same holidays than their mother.

At the same time, it is totally normal that you should want your kids to enjoy a nice holiday. On this basis, I think that you need to accept that you might have to go with your kids without your partner.

Maybe you could do this this year but start to plan saving everywhere you can so that next year you can have a longer holiday all together. If your OH's income is bigger than yours, maybe he can accept to put more into the kitty than you to make it fair all around.

PeruvianFoodLover Sun 05-Apr-15 17:38:04

This thread has really made me think.

It has never occurred to me that my DD may resent me for going on holiday with my DH but not her blush

She goes away regularly with her dad; DH and I usually take the opportunity to holiday together during that time if we can - but DD and I haven't "holidayed" together since me and her Dad split.

I can't match the holidays she has with him; Disney, first class flights, 5* accomodation etc etc, so I do "different" things with her - days out, experiences, etc. so that she isn't directly comparing, iyswim.

yellowdaisies Sun 05-Apr-15 17:55:49

Peruvian - I think it's easier to get away with holidaying without your children if it's an adults only holiday. DH and I do at least a weekend, or a week if possible, each year child free. It's not quite so easy for children to see their parent spending their only holiday of the year with other children doing things they'd enjoy and leaving them behind

Jacobsmum1973 Sun 05-Apr-15 19:23:41

We luckily never have had this problem.

I can understand why you would want a holiday for a week, but you have to understand that the stepchildren would like a holiday with their father.

I'm a stepparent and my Ds has a stepmother so I can see both sides.

madamtremain Mon 06-Apr-15 09:39:41

So your children aren't his? I think take them away on your own, and have a separate weekend away with him yourself.
Then he can take his kids away. It is horribly unfair that they get so many holidays but I don't think it's fair that they don't go away with their dad, nor is it fair your kids don't have a holiday because their step siblings have to come.
To be honest, having holidayed with my DSD and dd together I wish I could go back in time and take my dd on her own. It's such precious time it's a shame to have it dictated by your step kids.

PeruvianFoodLover Mon 06-Apr-15 17:37:15

So your children aren't his? I think take them away on your own, and have a separate weekend away with him yourself.

That's a luxury most couples can't arrange though; I know my ex and I never went away "as a couple" without DD before we split - it wasn't realistic to find a babysitter for a whole weekend to leave DD with!

How old would NR stepDCs have to be before they could be expected to accept not going on holiday with their NRP family? Thinking about many family dynamics, adult DCs often seem to holiday with their parents - can the OP ever hope to holiday with her DCs and her DP, or is that something that will never be an option for her? confused

swingofthings Mon 06-Apr-15 17:50:29

It will never be an option if her partner has an issue with it. It's not a due. What would be unfair is if her partner took his DD away on holiday alone and there was never enough funds for OP to do the same with her children.

In the end, I think it just depends on how the step-child feels about it. If they couldn't care less than they go on holiday without her because she gets to enjoy great ones with her mum, then it would be very silly not to go ahead and do it, at least as a one off. However, if DD will feel rejected as a result, then her dad is totally right to refuse it as this a dreadful feeling to experience.

I don't think my dad ever went on holiday with my SM and her daughter leaving me out even though I did enjoy holidays with my mum. I definitely would have felt excluded, especially visiting when they came back and understandably, her daughter would have told me all about the wonderful holiday they had without me.

My kids however wouldn't be so bothered if their dad went away with his partner and her children, but then they are not as close to their dad as I was to mine and they feel much more accepted by their step-mum that I ever did, so that makes a big difference. They wouldn't feel excluded, just not included. I certainly would have felt excluded.

Storm15 Mon 06-Apr-15 18:08:27

We go on holiday with and without my DSD. I'll admit to deliberately booking holidays when I know she's holidaying with her Mum so we don't have to take her and mostly because of the additional cost. It hasn't caused any problems for us. I don't put life on hold just because my DSD isn't with us. That just wouldn't be fair on our three younger children.

Jacobsmum1972 Mon 06-Apr-15 18:40:51

I don't think you should go away with your Dp on holiday with your kids. I think that if you went on your own that would be fine but it will fuel resentment between your kids and stepkids. Remember kids don't think about things like cost or whether your dc have been away.

lunar1 Mon 06-Apr-15 18:41:31

I bet that makes her feel so loved by her dad storm. Does he ever take her away?

Littlemonstersrule Mon 06-Apr-15 18:59:06

Storm, that's quite an admission. What kind of dad goes along with that? Favouring three of four children is truly awful.

madamtremain Mon 06-Apr-15 19:11:44

Stop wringing your hands over storm. She said its when her dsd is on holiday with mum anyway. Should the other three all go without or have lesser holidays so that the other child, who had holidays with mum, can come?

I hope he does take her away and spend time with her as well, Storm doesn't suggest otherwise. Believe me I spent years including DSD in holidays, often meaning we couldn't afford to do what we wanted to do, and all we are told now is that she felt disloyal to her mum to be away with us, felt uncomfortable sharing her Dad with me, and found my younger Dd to be a pain. I wish we hadn't bothered. What would have been better is for DH to have taken her away for a long weekend together, and for me and DH to have taken dd away for a holiday while DSd was away with her mum.

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