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Long term favour - could end up permanent

(8 Posts)
captainproton Fri 30-Jan-15 08:47:45

I don't know if this is going to make sense, and I am not sure if anyone has been in this situation. I had a thread not too long ago about my DSS mum getting her DH to collect DSS from our home when we were out and he was grounded.

DSS is with us because his mum has had an operation and can't drive. They both commute a long way to work/school by car but she has not been able to do this since end of last year. There are no reasonable public transport options for DSS to get to school. DSS has been staying here with us in the week because there are public transport options that mean he can get to school and it's closer too. His elder sister is also staying with her dad because of this. Apart from the incident over the chores he promised and him losing his phone there has not been many other problems.

However his mum has bought him a new SIM card to use in his new phone, therefore making DH's contract SIM redundant, it's highly annoying that she would undermind DH like this, and DSS was hiding it's existence until DH called him out on it, we heard the tell tale SMS alert from his room. We are not mad at DSS because it's his mum who did it.

DSS was supposed to go back to his mum's at half term but her recovery has been delayed and he is here for another 1-2 months. DSS has already mentioned that he can spend an extra 30 mins in bed every morning before going to school, he gets home up to 3 hours earlier (because normally his mum doesn't finish work until 6pm and they are not home until gone 7.30pm.) And now today he is meeting his friends after school and is making his own way home afterwards.

I think DSS mum is exhibiting disney behaviour in the fear of DSS deciding to live with his dad. DH has always maintained that DSS is more than welcome to live with him from the day they split, but it is not actively discussed.

There is no love lost between mum and dad, and DH has completely ditched his disney attitude, but every time DSS goes to his mums he tells of all the new things he's been bought. He is not getting any of these luxuries here.

Can anyone tell me if their stepchildren decided to move in with them, and how it all went? How did mum react? How did stepchildren's behaviour change when they lived with them full-time? How did they go about getting child maintenance/benefits switched to the new RP? I just want to understand what minefield may lay ahead and make sure if this is something DSS chooses to do we know what we are letting ourselves in for.

If I had any say in this, which I don't, if DSS wanted to be here full-time, I would suggest DSS to spend 50% time with mum and dad, in the hopes that this will prevent any ill-feeling developing between him and his mum. She is not an easy character.

captainproton Fri 30-Jan-15 08:49:49

sorry I should say he currently sees his mum EOWeekend. And DSS is not asking to go back to see her (although she wanted him to) because he is meeting his friends at school based activity this weekend, which he is excited about.

yellowdaisies Fri 30-Jan-15 09:19:41

Not much advice but watching with interest. We have similar issues with DSC being much closer to their school than their mum is, but she still wants them to stay with her in the week, spending 2 hours on a bus each day getting to school at back. DSD1 actually liked this and had good friends on the bus, but DSS and DSD2 hate it. They're staying over the odd nights here and there, whenever there's an excuse to at the moment (eg after school activity or earlyl start) but DSD was asking directly this morning whether she could just stay all the time.

DH would love her to, but doesn't want to cause friction with his ex. I understand this, but sometimes think he's being a bit spineless on his DC's behalf. I think they'd prefer the lead to come from him, but DH has kind of left the ball in DSC's court. Their battle for them to fight.

I'm wondering too whether splitting the week in half so they still spend 2 or 3 weekday nights a week at their mum's would work?

But the money, and risk that DH's ex feels she's lost her role are both a minefield. I'm also unsure how I'd feel about it - DSD is lovely and DSS's no trouble either really but I do quite like the time with just my own DC.

How old is your DSS OP?

Sethspeaks Fri 30-Jan-15 09:38:22

I think you could be jumping the gun a bit here with thinking ahead to him being permanently resident. if i am reading it right, they are with you as she has had an operation, and now that's been extended as her recovery period has needed to be a bit longer. They'll be going back as soon as she is better.

captainproton Fri 30-Jan-15 09:56:39

Hi yellowdaisies, he is nearly 14. And maybe I am jumping the gun, but if her recovery period keeps getting pushed back I am also worried that her employers (she works part-time in 2 jobs) will lose patience with her. They are often late to work/school according to DSS. I just think their whole arrangement for keeping DSS in that school was always a bit silly. You just need some bad traffic on the M25 and you can be stuck for hours.

I am sure he will go back to his mum's but I don't think he is going to like going back to 0530 starts and sitting in traffic jams everyday. Even if DSS opts to spend just part of the week here, that will impact on her CM and this too is a minefield.

captainproton Fri 30-Jan-15 10:03:59

sorry if not clear DSS sister is not staying here, she is with her dad who is not DH.

yellowdaisies Fri 30-Jan-15 10:07:09

We're considering offering to leave the CM alone, but for them to stay with us more - but we're lucky that we could afford to do that. If you need the money in order to feed DSS you'd obviously have to suggest it reduces, at least by the amount he actually costs to look after.

Any chance she could move nearer his school? He's Y9 I guess- that's quite a long way off the end of school. We're also considering trying to make the DSC wait until sixth form when they'll be 16 and can more reasonably decide for themselves where to be. But they're Y10 and Y11 so that's not so far off for them.

It does seem bloody stupid getting kids up at 5.30 in the morning, if there's somewhere else that's home to them where they can get up at 7.30 doesn't it? I feel so sorry for them a lot of the time. I'd have hated that as a teenager. Do resent their mum for taking no account of their needs when she decided where to live. She could have bought a house much nearer, but wanted to look out on green fields hmm

Sethspeaks Fri 30-Jan-15 10:13:48

I'm a great believer in only dealing what is here and now. I mean this kindly - why does it matter to you whether her sick leave is an issue for her employers. They may have told her to take as much time as she needs, you don't know. And chances are that she will recover fully and get back to work. I'd be waiting to worry about whether this is permanent or not and what that would mean for now. smile smile

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