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resident parent collecting stepson early because stepson didn't get his own way

(17 Posts)
captainproton Sat 17-Jan-15 20:41:55

DSS is nearly 14, he broke his phone last weekend and DH pays the contract, it could only be used for texts/internet. Instead of using his money to fix it, DSS wanted a brand new phone. He didn't have anywhere near enough to buy it, so after begging and promising his dad, dh lent him on the understanding he had to do chores in return. One being coming along with us today on a chore in nearest city with our 2 youngest. DSS agreed, roll on this morning DSS didn't want to come and refused. He's done hardly any chores, never does, full of promises and back chat. dh said fine, but took his phone and laptop from him as punishment (because thats what dss wanted to use at home instead of coming along)for the way he was behaving and we had to leave him behind. It was a medical appt for the youngest, not very long but his help would have been nice and it was part of the deal.

When we were out DSS phoned his mum in tears and she took him back home, an hour drive away. He phoned his dad from the house, screaming and demanding his phone because his mum was coming. The phone was in dads pocket. DSS has gone now but we are not sure what we should do next?

wheresthelight Sat 17-Jan-15 21:15:33

stand by the punishment and do not back down or he is going to run rings round you!!

DSS knew the rules around his new phone, can you get the old one fixed and sell the new one?

PeruvianFoodLover Sat 17-Jan-15 21:43:58

wheresthe Sadly that's not so easy to do if one parent is willing to undermine the other.

TendonQueen Sat 17-Jan-15 21:53:02

If the phone's still with your DH, and the new contract or phone purchase was in his name, I would return it and say that's the consequence of not keeping your promises plus the ensuing bad behaviour. If you felt like a compromise, you could say you will pay for the repair of the old phone once some chores etc are done but only afterwards.

cathpip Sat 17-Jan-15 21:54:44

I would be mightily tempted to give him his old phone back, he still hasn't earned the new phone so why should he have it. Stand your ground, even though your not backed up, your dc will also be watching and learning that there are consequences and you follow through.

Violettatrump Sat 17-Jan-15 21:56:47

Give him the old broken phone and give him a list of jobs to get his dads phone. Only give the phone after completing the jobs - keep list on fridge and tick off one by one

Quitethewoodsman Sat 17-Jan-15 21:58:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Caorunn Sat 17-Jan-15 22:15:52

His mum was totally out of order in picking him up. Not on at all.

Re: the phone. Punishment stands and in fact I would return neither (a) old phone now confiscated due to appealing behaviour (b) new phone not an option due to not keeping to deal.

Your DH should just sit it out. And have words with his son's mum around backing each other up.

lk26 Sat 17-Jan-15 22:20:19

We have this all the time. One of her babies (16 yrs old ) cries and she comes running. Always gets her extra parenting brownies points !! ��
We even had a running out the house in tears to go home to mummy's as our youngest daughter had nits !
Stick to your guns about the phone and let him come grovelling back.

captainproton Sun 18-Jan-15 07:16:37

Thanks ladies, dh did try to engage his ex over this. She says we treat him like a baby and the punishment was not fair?! Unfortunately the new phone goes to his mum's address as DSS ordered off internet and could only be delivered to where his bank card was registered. Dh has told his ex he's not having the sim until he's earned it. We were thinking about a list of jobs for him to do until he gets it back. But now we know that if he puts on the waterworks mummy comes running. Dh is not going to stand for this.

lk26 Sun 18-Jan-15 08:24:29

Good luck. I personally am on the count down to university and they go off in the big wide world.
If I hear once more Mum says or Mum wants !!!!!

catsmother Sun 18-Jan-15 10:17:08

Urrgghh - we had this too. It's so divisive and unhelpful when one parent undermines the other, but unfortunately where separated couples can't manage their post-split relationship (re: their children) it's not uncommon as one - or both - view this sort of thing as an opportunity to score 'best parent' points, even though a lack of discipline (and the ability to 'run away' from it) does no good for the child.

My partner's ex moved well over a 100 miles away yet always refused to share any part of the (time consuming and expensive) travel ... however, when one of the stepkids phoned up after a very well deserved telling off (for bullying and injuring another stepkid) she didn't hesitate to jump in her car to come and get them .... thus allowing said child to avoid the consequences of their behaviour and also signalling to the other, bullied child that she (the ex) didn't think their experience was of any importance or concern.

Mind you, we had years of her telling the children they didn't have to do what their dad said, that he had 'no right' to tell them off etc. Fast forward several years and that approach has done the now adult children no favours at all and even now they fly off the handle at the slightest perceived criticism or rebuke and there's still an underlying attitude of the 'children' not being prepared to see their dad unless they get their own way because that's what they got used to - with the backing of their mother - when they were literally children. Stuff like this really can damage relationships and is very stressful to deal with.

Your DH should definitely stick to his guns re: getting the sim back, though presumably DSS could get a new one, albeit that he wouldn't have his existing data ? FWIW I didn't think the 'punishment' was at all unfair .... anything else and your DH would have looked like a complete pushover.

ChippingInLatteLover Sun 18-Jan-15 10:23:00

Hold onto his laptop and restrict his use of the phone as much as you are able (account barred?) until DSS sorts himself out.

I wonder what he actually told his mum though?

Quitethewoodsman Sun 18-Jan-15 10:59:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatever21 Sun 18-Jan-15 11:27:21

You have to stick to your guns - list of chores and then you get the phone.

Depending on what he said to mum, she should have spoken to her EX first before wading in. However, I do know how hard it is to sit by and listen to distraught child. My eldest DC will skype late at night on his nexus,when at dads in tears - it is heartbreaking to hear the distress and upset. ( DC is 7)

I do know the situation for my DCS is bloody awful in the other house but only once have I phoned EX and told him, his DC was upstairs in bed having been sick and his new DP had told DC not to get out of bed and wait till morning.

I banned the computer and TV for a week last year, not sure whether the punishment was worse for DCs or me, but we stuck it out and they now know I will not back down - it ahs made a huge difference to discipline.

redredholly Sun 18-Jan-15 14:43:54

Sorry for your DCs, whatever21, that sounds awful and abusive.

captainproton Sun 18-Jan-15 16:41:54

Whatever21 that does sound awful for your DC. DSS has in the past called his dad in tears about something or other, but has always stood up for the ex. The tears don't wash with DH, and we dont get any such phone calls anymore. I think the atmosphere when he next comes here, Monday evening after school is going to be interesting. Dh will not be home from work until 3 hours after I get DSS. I imagine it will be a quiet car ride home with lots of sulking in his room and not coming down for his tea.

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