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New DD treated very differently to SS

(15 Posts)
motherofmonkey Sun 11-Jan-15 00:15:30

My little girl is 8mo and her father has never bought her a toy, nice blanket or item of clothing. My SS 's (5 and 7yo) have a room full of expensive toys and clothing from that age (as well as now). We have shared custody of my SS's so they are here 3 nights a week. Am I just being materialistic or does this matter?

MrsKCastle Sun 11-Jan-15 00:29:54

In itself I don't think it matters. There could be various reasons why your DP hasn't bought much.

But it's a symptom of a wider issue, then I could see how it could be a concern. Does your DP do his fair share of caring for your DD? Does he enjoy spending time with her? Does he show a real interest in all those little milestones and details of her day? Does he work at building a good sibling relationship between the older boys and the baby?

I think if those things are in place, they're much more important than what he buys.

Pico2 Sun 11-Jan-15 00:47:42

I honestly don't think that my DH has bought anything for my DD (now 4). Perhaps a couple of things when she has pointed them out in the supermarket. But buying her clothes and toys is basically down to me in our relationship. I imagine that many couples have the same arrangement. Obviously things are different with SC as they are your DH's responsibility way more than yours (even if you don't feel like that about them). So it wouldn't surprise me if he felt that getting stuff for your DD is pretty much down to you and getting your SS stuff is down to him. It doesn't mean that he loves her any less.

In part it probably also depends on how you share your finances. If you keep them separate and you struggle to buy nice things for your DD while he spends his cash only on the boys then there is a serious issue. If it is just about who makes the purchase then I don't think it really matters.

motherofmonkey Sun 11-Jan-15 00:49:30

He does spend time with her and cares for her at the weekends while I work. The issue is that she has literally nothing compared to her brothers. We are his second family and he treats us very differently to the first.

motherofmonkey Sun 11-Jan-15 00:52:41

The boys are now 5 and 7 so this is all stuff that he (mostly) bought for them. His ex wife did not work so he paid for it all. Her xmas present was a $3 teddy from a bargain bin that I had to take away as it was a choking hazard.

Themrmen Sun 11-Jan-15 09:29:25

My dp is the same, brilliant dad and spends time with ds etc. but all clothes, presents etc. falls to me, at Xmas he spent £300 on dsc and bought nothing for ds saying well yours are from us both but paid nothing towards it! We share all household bills and then what we have left is our own so having to pay out all the extras tends to get expensive but apparently it doesn't matter for a one year old he won't know, which is true, but I think why not spend 250 on dsc and 50 on ds and show willing. Sorry it really pisses me off.

Northernparent68 Sun 11-Jan-15 11:19:30

May be it's because the boys are older and je thinks the need more stuff ?

yellowdaisies Sun 11-Jan-15 11:55:50

Did they really have toys when they were 8 months old? Babies that age don't really need a lot of toys, and I would guess that any there are were bought for DSS1 rather than DSS2. If the baby toys are still around couldn't they be given to your DD now?

Even if your DP earned the money whilst he was with his ex, it may have been her that went out and bought the things. So I wouldn't read too much into him not going out and buying things if he's otherwise good with her.

motherofmonkey Mon 12-Jan-15 05:43:40

Thanks for the perspective, it's just hurtful seeing how little she has. It's been hard covering bills and clothing her with only working part-time. I've broached the subject with him and he has agreed to do more for her, which is a positive outcome.

TarkaTheOtter Mon 12-Jan-15 08:48:28

I agree with the others in general OP, but I think your last post puts a completely different spin on things. He should be contributing financially even if he is not doing the actual shopping. I think the previous responses were assuming you shared finances.

benfoldsfive Mon 12-Jan-15 08:59:40

I too agreed with other posters as I assumed finances were being shared. Charge him csa rates and see how he feels about that!

yellowdaisies Mon 12-Jan-15 09:28:41

Yes, he should be contributing financially - even if he leaves it to you to purchase the clothes and toys. What about nappies, milk, etc - is he paying towards those, or are those up to you too? Also if you're working part time (just weekends?) then he should be paying most of the costs of DD, not just half - because you're providing most of the care.

He presumably gave money to his ex when she was a stay at home parent didn't it? So the idea shouldn't be completely foreign to him

MrsKCastle Mon 12-Jan-15 09:31:21

Yes, your last post really changes things- I thought you were disappointed that he showed no interest in choosing things.

If he is expecting you, on a pt wage, to cover all of your daughter's expenses, this is a real problem. How much does he earn relative to you? Do you split bills fairly? (I don't mean 50:50, I mean giving you both a similar amount of spending money). How would he react if you said 'DD needs some new clothes, do you want to give me cash or shall I use your card to order online?'

Sorry for all the questions, I'm trying to work out if he's a bit thoughtless, financially abusive or somewhere in between.

concretekitten Tue 13-Jan-15 19:49:35

I don't think my DH has ever bought anything for our LO (2 yo). However, we share our money but even before we did I would just buy her things and say ''by the way you owe me £20 for DD's new clothes/shoes/toys etc''.

With my DH I think he just sees it that I know what she needs so leaves it down to me, which is fine, if he bought her anything the chances are I probably wouldn't like it.

If you are in a committed relationship with this man then why be afraid of speaking up and saying you need money for X/Y/Z?

He probably buys his DS's things now because he sees it as his responsibility, but he probably just thinks you'll say when you think your DD needs something, he probably sees it as your responsibility...not necessarily to pay for it, but that you're the one who sorts things out for her.

motherofmonkey Mon 19-Jan-15 00:00:05

I pay 50% of household bills (not the mortgage as we are not married and its his house). We generally share buying nappies and formula. His ex wife gets $150 maintenance pw which takes up a chunk of his income

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