Stepson makes me uncomfortable

[blackka]

I wonder if anyone can help me with this. DSS is 9 and he has recently become very affectionate. The problem is that he's pressing his face into my boobs and reaching out to hug me but putting his hand on them. He puts his arm round me when we're walking along except that he puts it inside my jacket and reaches right up inside to my shoulder blades. It's totally freaking me out. I don't know whether I'm just self conscious because he's not my own DS or what, but DS is now 15 and he never behaved like that. I spoke to DH who had a quiet word with him about being careful but I'm totally paranoid about it and find myself feeling very self conscious and avoiding being near him. He's come up behind me once since DH spoke to him and I nearly jumped out of my skin. It's not how I want to feel. I'm hoping this is a phase that will pass soon. Does anyone have any similar experience and advice that they can share with me?

[Funkytown]

you and your dh need to have a talk with him about privacy and personal space !!

[ProseccoPrincess10]

My DS used to like touching me a lot, touching my boobs when he was tired etc, always did since being a baby but once he reached about 3-4 I explained that we don't touch people's private areas.
I've had to remind him lately too (now 5). I think it's totally reasonable to expect a 9 year old to understand that you don't want him to touch you in certain places and to be more considerate of people's space.
Does he seem to do it with other people as well as you?

[blackka]

Thanks ProseccoPrincess10. It's not something I have seen him do to others but then I have never seen him with his biological DM so I don't know. He's very "savvy" and I have noticed him with is hand down his trousers now and then. My own DS has never behaved like this - shows far more interest in chess than anything remotely to do with girls or sex, so I'm a bit out of my depth here

[mummytime]

Umm how long have you known him? Does he have any other worry behaviours?

The only children I've known do something similar have had an underlying SN. Does he normally conform to social norms?

[blackka]

I've known him for 3 years and he's with us about half the time. He doesn't have any other behavioral issues although he's always been quite intense. He's a bright kid, quite sociable, doors all the usual things... Plays minecraft, it's into star wars. There's just this aspect which has come up quite recently. I guess i want to know whether it's in the bounds of normal or should I worry?

[ProseccoPrincess10]

I was wondering whether there could be underlying SN but if he doesn't behave like this with others and there's no other real signs I wouldn't be too worried.
I doubt there's anything sinister going on in his mind, he probably doesn't even intentionally do it, just as simple as he's fond of you and he likes being physically close to you. I'll be honest, I remember as a kid it was really comfy and comforting having my head in my mums big bosoms lol.
But I'd try and stamp it out asap. Nothing wrong at all with nicely saying "please don't touch me there".

[ImperialBlether]

But she isn't his mother! There is no history of breastfeeding or the OP being there when he was a baby.

OP, he is obviously developing sexually, given he often has his hands down his pants. It is pretty obvious that he is touching you inappropriately. Your husband needs to talk to him about his development and needs to make absolutely certain that he gets through to him that he is not to touch you like that.

I think the reason you feel uneasy is because it is intentional rather than accidental.

[blackka]

Yes I do think it's intentional, that's why I feel uncomfortable. Thanks so much for your support ladies, I now feel happy to assert my need for it to stop.

[MeridianB]

Sadly I agree with Imperial. I know a few boys this age and they need to be bribed to hug their female relatives!

There are always exceptions but if he has the sort of awareness you describe I can totally understand why this feels uncomfortable. Agree it needs nipping in the bud.

[mummytime]

I think you are perfectly correct to assert your desire for him to stop. That is part of the whole "swimsuit" thing, touching people on areas which would be covered by a swim suit is not acceptable (unless under special circumstances).

But if he doesn't "get it" even if he grins in a naughty way or seems to be doing it deliberately - I would flag it as a possible area of concern. But that in no way means he can continue with the behaviour!

[CalicoBlue]

This is not normal for a boy of his age.

My DS and DSS used to put their hands down my top, between my boobs, but that was when they were little, under 2. I used to gently take their hands out. It stopped before they were 3.

This sounds as if he realises that he is making you uncomfortable. I would suggest that you and his father speak to him together.

[blackka]

There's no giggling or grinning, and as I said, he can be very intense, gazing into my eyes. I feel distinctly uncomfortable about it.

I don't know his biological mum but I have been told that she may not be affectionate. I don't want to do any harm to this kid who might simply need a hug (his younger sister is affectionate too) but I am glad that you all think I'm not over reacting to this and I am now happy that stopping it is the best route.

[mummytime]

In the little you have written, somethings have jumped out:
Unusual eye contact
Inappropriate social behaviour (touching himself as well as you)
And a "possibly unaffectionate mother".

Actually the "coming up behind me and me jumping out of my skin" could also be significant, a friends son used to do this - and I now know he has a diagnosis.

I really would listen carefully at school incase they give you subtle signals that anything is unusual. Although how much you will know will depend on exactly how much contact you have/the family set up.

All I suggest you do now, is file this away incase it becomes helpful later. And come back here if you have further concerns, there are lots of helpful people around.

[blackka]

Thank you lunchtime, very sound advice.

[blackka]

Oops, mummytime* auto correct playing up there!

[Redshoes7]

I have twin 9 year old DSS and feel very uncomfortable around one of them. They both get little affection from DP's ex so constantly crave it from both DP and myself.
It has become quite clear that one is very innocent and wouldn't know what boobs were if he walked into them and one is hitting puberty and had been using me as female stimulation.
My DP thought I was overreacting until he walked in on DSS touching himself after he had given me a cuddle.
DP has since had some basic chats with him about appropriate touching and I've been cut down on letting him snuggle into my boobs as a pillow.

Your DSS may well be hitting puberty early (due to circumstance or biology) but being young he hasn't yet grasped what is acceptable and is using you because he's comfortable.
I think it definitely needs a basic chat from your DP. Even if you aren't referred to in the chat, you can base it on some girls at school may start to develop breast and what is appropriate at school.