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Hurt WWYD?

(24 Posts)
DisappointedCake Mon 05-Jan-15 01:17:53

Not to sure where to start.

My partner and I have a child together and one on the way.

He has two from his marriage aged 13 and 5. His STBXW is a nightmare, everything on her terms, my partners having to go bankrupt because of the debts she's run up, the divorce has been going on for three years now after she finally decided he wasn't coming back to her ( we had a child by this point).

His 13 year old is a madam. Rude aggressive argumentative stroppy lazy greedy.

Everytime the SC come over or we take them out she's always demanding more food or snacks or things be it a go on an arcade machine at bowling or a top in a shop that we walk past. She asks me and I say no because there is no need for it and we are skint and she's well aware of this. She then goes and asks her dad he mostly says no too. She then strops and argues and the silly Disney dad then gives into her cause he wants to be number one parent.

He knows we are skint but he would rather buy her something than pay towards the council tax bill or put gas on the meter.

I feel like our joint child and the one on the way and I just don't compare to his DC by STBXW.

I feel I should leave him because it's really getting me down everything in our house is charity shop or secondhand or handmedowns from friends and family it not as though we have loads of money and I'm being tight.

If I left him I would have to relocate 200 miles nearer to family and would be about to pop! I would need to find a new home for my babies and then claim benifits to live off.

I really don't know how to handle the situation I know it may seem petty but it's gone on for years and I really dread them coming over and that's without the comments from their mum or saying things her mums told her to say or the riffling through our joint child's wardrobe and coming down with clothes that still have a charity shop label on and screaming how it's unfair the JC got something new.

To add at there mums they have everything they could ever want they have the house it's almost paid off my partner didn't get a penny from the split.

If I say anything to the SC my partner goes balisitc at me.

I can't win and I feel bullied in my own home I can't stand it. My partner totally changes when his kids turn up the rest of the time he is wonderful, cooks cleans shares child care polite to family. When his DC turn up he's like a different person.

I often say that I and our JC will go out when his kids comes but then his DC 13 goes mad and says she wants to see our JC. Can't bloody win I don't even want them in my house.

Sorry for the rant but does anyone have any advice or shall I pull my knickers up and be a big girl now?

Maroonie Mon 05-Jan-15 14:21:11

Have you talked to your partner about this?
It sounds hard but ifhe doesn't want to change then it won't get better unless you do something.
He should be providing for all his children, giving treats when that means he can't provide basic things like gas etc is not on.
Is this really the attitude of someone you want to be with?

redredholly Mon 05-Jan-15 14:29:16

Wow, 13 and 5 is an unusual combo of ages. It's normal for teenagers to be little madams though.

DisappointedCake Mon 05-Jan-15 14:48:21

Maroonie- I have tired but it always ends up with the 'you don't like my kids' and a strop from him.

Red- I know makes it harder both have the same mum.

CaroleLJ Mon 05-Jan-15 15:02:42

I think you're acting a bit like a child to be honest.

You have painted a picture of an XW and SC from hell-and complain about an NRP for wanting to look after his DD. Are they really the villains of this piece? You dread the SC coming over and don't want them in your house?

It sounds like a bad break-up, as well as adding in bankruptcy and a new child within three years. 13 year old girls can be difficult, but having gone through all this, I'm not surprised. The poor kids. Yet, you choose to add another child into this mess?

You have to accept that your partner has these responsibilities that existed before you came along. There's nothing you can do about that but accept the children as your own children's siblings.

You said it, time to be a big girl and be the adult here.

MythicalKings Mon 05-Jan-15 15:12:50

Your DH has to step up and put his foot down with his daughter. Teenage girls can be foul sometimes, if allowed to be.

In your place I'd be long gone, tbh.

ArsenicFaceCream Mon 05-Jan-15 15:22:28

How long have you known your DSD?

DisappointedCake Mon 05-Jan-15 17:35:13

Carole- yes both a nightmare STBXW isn't over the split by a long stretch and has in my and the rest of the families opinion poisoned the SD 13 against her dad completely. I never wanted to take mums place ect but we have never had a relationship as such. The next baby wasn't planned and we have talked about termination he doesn't want that and actually got very upset when we had the conversation.

Mythical- in one breath I do want to go but in the other I don't see why our JC shouldn't have the family unit because of the behaviour of his child and this Disney dad attitude he has when they are around. As he doesn't see them for long or more than twice a week what could I suggest to him to do or say when she starts?

Arsenic- 5 years the youngest has always known me they split up when she was early pregnant.

ArsenicFaceCream Mon 05-Jan-15 18:53:20

As he doesn't see them for long or more than twice a week what could I suggest to him to do or say when she starts?

That's why he's being Disney. Paradoxically, more contact would help. But you need to back off with the negativity too. Which in turn might make it easier to negotiate more 'normal' contact.

You're trapped in a negative cycle. I'm sure DSD is miserable too.

Have you thought about couples counselling?

LineRunner Mon 05-Jan-15 19:01:04

Why did they split when she was pregnant? Sounds tough for her and the DD.

LineRunner Mon 05-Jan-15 19:02:56

Btw he is entitled to a share of the marital home upon divorce. He also has to pay child support - but a share in the marital home is what a judge would expect to see in the divorce hearing. Are you not aware of this?

PerpendicularVincenzo Mon 05-Jan-15 19:46:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatever21 Mon 05-Jan-15 20:22:05

13 yr old teenage girl - hormonal as hell - you are not very complimentary about her and to be honest normal teen behaviour.

Mum and Dad split when she was 8, coinciding with the arrival of a new baby and a step mum on the scene. Dear Dad then has new child before the girl is 10/11 and another one on the way.

She is older than all of them and probably v insecure.

The timings of you on the scene, her pregnant with a child suggests there is a little more than you are letting on. Sounds like you would appear to a teenager as the OW - unless of course Mum was pregnant with her husbands child and having an affair with someone else so they broke up ..............

If you are the OW - then this puts the childs behaviour and the mothers in a v different light.

Cabrinha Mon 05-Jan-15 21:48:53

Can he even go bankrupt if they're not divorced? What is the legal status on the house? Presumably no consent order if not yet divorced? (you can't apply for one until after nisi)
So he needs to get that sorted.

DisappointedCake Mon 05-Jan-15 22:21:34

Yes I guess i am the OW in a way. They split while she was pregnant but we met very soon after.

Re divorce the STBXW has run up 30k debt winces he's left and her solicitor is trying to get that included in the assets ect. Been told she doesn't qualify for a mesher order but the divorce has dragged on for so long it seems like he will only get his 'share' of the debts paid off. These debts include this 30k she's ran up. (She's by no way short of money, think flashy clothes now house hold appliances and lots of holidays since they have split)

Re bankruptcy he's been advised by two debt charities that it is the only way to force her hand re finances they chase after her for his 50% (legally) she then has a year to sort this and of not they then sell the house release his share of the house equity and pay off his debts ( all from the marriage he can't get credit anymore) debt repayments are about £950 a month at the moment.

Re councilling a good idea but he won't go. I have tired to get him to get a proper contact order so everyone knows where they stand re contact and times ect but she's refused mediation next step is court but she's saying she will stop contact if this happens and that the kids will be ill on the court ordered contact.

LineRunner Mon 05-Jan-15 22:40:14

Bit of a mess, eh? Must be awful for the children.

DisappointedCake Mon 05-Jan-15 23:37:07

Line- yes a massive mess if I'd have know what I know now I would have sprinted in the other direction. The only good thing out of this is our JC.

Yes and I especially feel sorry for our JC. I have no sympathy towards the STBXW whatsoever.

LineRunner Mon 05-Jan-15 23:41:41

How do you think it's all going to end?

ArsenicFaceCream Tue 06-Jan-15 00:05:19

Do you think the relationship is rescuable?

Cabrinha Tue 06-Jan-15 00:23:09

I know the horse has already bolted, but bloody hell that's why it's better to walk away from any date who hasn't sorted their divorce out!
What a mess.

Has he got a solicitor? From what I've read, getting a Bankruptcy Order before a Financial Order can really screw over the non-bankrupt spouse (you may say fairly in this case!).

I don't know if he's allowed to go bankrupt though, because there's a lot of equity in the house if you say it's nearly paid off. But I guess the charities know.

She can certainly argue for the debt accrued after the split to be included - but he needs a decent solicitor who will tell hers, no!

I can't believe this man has chosen to have two more children when this is such a mess confused

I know he's got no money, but be should beg or borrow to have the right legal advice on this.

Personally, I couldn't see myself staying with someone who made decisions like this, and the Disney dad stuff.

But given that he hasn't actually done anything wrong to you (and it was your decision to have children too, when his marriage wasn't ended) I think it's unfair to move his children 200 miles away.

ProseccoPrincess10 Tue 06-Jan-15 00:24:08

Do you think your hormones and the stress of the pregnancy in these uncertain times could be making everything seem worse than it is?
I ask that because I really struggled emotionally with my second pregnancy. We had similar problems to you. All the stress the ex wife was causing was making me resent DSC.
But a few years down the line everything is perfect for us. And now I don't care about the debts she left DH with or the fact that we can't own our own house together because of his credit record.
We love each other, our relationship is strong and whatever the ex wife says or does we just ignore.
There's still days where I wonder whether all the BS will ever stop.
But please don't make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion.

Whatever21 Tue 06-Jan-15 19:14:35

You are the OW.

The only person I feel sorry for in this is a 13 yr old girl who for whatever reason has been treated appallingly by her parents and her step mother thinks she is crap.

You do not say whether DP has paid any maintenance - 30K of debt over 5 yrs - not great but then if he ahs not been contributing then, not the cleverest thing to do.

Sorry there is far too much you have not told us about the whole situation.

Your DP has a lot to answer for - your DSD is stuck in the middle, I feel sorry for her, not you - bit too convenient you came on the scene when ex pregnant but after the split. YOur DP sounds like a selfish twat.

Sympathy for all the kids involved - none for the adults.

SusanIvanova Wed 07-Jan-15 15:18:25

I don't see how OP is the OW. She said they meet shortly after the split. Not before. You are probably harsh on the 13yo because she's acting out, but most teenagers do that even if their parents are together. Try to talk it through with him, don't issue an ultimatum but make it clear that this is last chance saloon.

SnowWhiteAteTheApple Wed 07-Jan-15 19:59:24

I feel very sorry for the teen, not only did she have to deal with the split but then just a couple of weeks later her dad already has someone new.

He had two children already that it appears he can't afford much less two new ones. Why does she have to miss out as he's chosen to have more?

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