Did I handle this badly? What should I have done?

[Onthedoorstep]

Basically I was looking after lots of
children yesterday and DSD who is 16 shouted in my face and had a complete tantrum in front of several of them.

She was upset that some of them
Hadn't waited for her to get ready to go out to play. They called to her to catch up with them but dsd is ALWAYS late. She completely lost it. I told her that they didn't wait because she is always late (which was the wrong thing to say) and she screamed in my face and stormed off to her room. Her dad followed her.

I then had to calm down three smaller children who were really confused and upset. One of whom had a real melt down as she was so scared of dsd.

Dp let her stay in her room for nearly two hours and when she came out she didn't apologise to me. I was furious with do for not making her apologise and could hardly speak to either of them for the rest of the day (I was busy looking after the little children anyway).

Ok so I clearly didn't handle this well. What should I have done? I am exhausted today.

[TheJingleMumsRush]

How old are the other children? Are they yours? I can't see what you did wrong, dp should have made her apologise

[Onthedoorstep]

Two were mine: five others were friends. All aged between 8 and 12.

[blueemerald]

At 16 she had a temper tantrum because a bunch of kids 4-8 years younger than her wouldn't wait for her to get ready? That's a bit unusual. At 16 I must confess I would have been only too keen to get away from the 'little kids'.

She sounds very controlling.

[cathpip]

She's 16 and you told her the truth, I can't see the problem. The problem is her not apologising for screaming in your face. Oh and your dp for not growing a pair and telling her off. Well that's my opinion anyway, I could be completely wrong! :)

[Onthedoorstep]

Thanks. I am cross with DH. Also cross that I had to look after 8 children and she could have been helping me instead of causing south havoc. She always needs to be the centre of attention and it is bloody hard work.

[lljkk]

Oh, I could imagine DD (13) doing this. It's to do with huge teen fear of being "left out". & A control thing. They can slag you off sharply to your face which you should accept as Gospel truth or just "banter", but the moment you make a teeny criticism of them, all Hell breaks loose. You didn't do anything wrong. I'd shrug & let her dad deal with it.

[lljkk]

oh, and not to be completely heartless, when she calms down, you could offer an apology (you are modelling to her how to do it, whether she deserves it or not), for having hurt her feelings. "It was never my intention to upset you" and keep pretty close to that line.

[CelesteToTheDance]

I think it's weird that she'd care, sixteen year olds should have their own lives to distract them, younger children shouldn't be on their radar.

Why should she have to help you mind your own and your friends kids? Did you make an agreement before that or did you force it on her? If it was the latter she probably did it to get out of the tediousness of having to mind other peoples kids. Which would be completely normal and justified.

[Onthedoorstep]

I didn't ask or want her to help me. I was very happy on my own. I just didn't want her to upset all the younger children and cause havoc!

[MeridianB]

I think it's weird that she'd care, sixteen year olds should have their own lives to distract them, younger children shouldn't be on their radar.

^^ This

Sounds really odd. No one should be screaming in anyone's face - it's just horrible, unacceptable behaviour so your DP should have handled it differently. Worth having a chat with him. Can he really not see that you're owed an apology or is he Disney?

[HonestLie]

You said you're cross you had to look after 8 children and that she could have been helping you. Is it possible she engineered this situation to get out of helping you with the 8 kids. At 16 I'd have told you to sling your hook if you agreed to babysit then expected to help you out.

Maybe not the best attitude but that would have been my 16 year old self.

[ChippingInLovesChristmasLights]

She's 16 and wants to play out with a bunch of much, much younger kids? Odd in itself. Then to throw a tantrum when they don't wait for her, very weird... Just catch up!

That aside, you didn't do anything wrong, sounds like the little princess needs a few home truths.

As for DH, he'd better hope that the dog box is comfortable because he'd be in it until he saw the error of his way. Fancy putting up with that behaviour then pandering to it?! The child needs a proper father, not a Disney Dad before she gies right off the rails.

He's not doing either of you any favours.

Did you not have words with her afterwards? I bloody well would have. No child would speak to me like that, mine, step or anyone else's.

[OutsSelf]

She may have been (over)reacting to your comment about her always being late, she may have perceived you as trying to humiliate her in front of younger children. You didn't need to comment on her past behaviour or character in that instance, it would have been possible to say what happened without turning it into an opportunity to point out a character flaw. In front of your children and their friends.

That said, she was behaving badly.

[aldinator]

You need to develop a thicker skin with teenagers. They won't take the next step towards maturity if you pander to them and let them think they can do and say as they like whatever the impact on others. She behaved in a petty, selfish way and frightened small children.

I'm not sure about apologies - I never really hold out for them. I wait till the next time they come to me and act all normal and expect their slate to be wiped clean (in fact that will actually have forgotten), I say, before I can talk about that I need to talk to you about your behaviour the other day when you shouted in my face. You upset the children. What was going on in your head to do such a thing? Listen. Don't let her off the hook.

[robotroy]

I have only once had DSD shout in my face. I have only twice become angry with her, and that was one of those times. I immediately put on a very furious voice indeed, and told her in no uncertain terms 'do not dare shout at me, no- one shouts at me, ever. Unacceptable. Go to your room immediately and do not come back until you are ready to apologise to me. We do not have shouting in our home'. I never show anger ever, so it was hugely effective (I did not shout).

I agree it's worth on the apology coming back in her direction a bit by saying I'm sorry I chose those words, I realise that hurt you and that's not how I meant it, but you must see also we talk about these things it's never ok to shout. I personally explained to her that I might appear to have, but I don't have endless patience, and so I'm sorry to have become cross with you but I am not used to being shouted at and I don't like shouting, thankyou for apologising, and gave her a big hug and a kiss to signify it was over. She has never, ever done it again.

So for me personally, you are a big softie! I have total and utter zero tolerance. I didn't ask her dad who was sitting right there what is opinion was as as far as I'm concerned NO-ONE should be yelling in someone else's face. I did apologise to him when he had left the room, but he personally thought it was totally and completely fair. It's key that your OH backs you up, no one should be shouted at in their own home.

[Onthedoorstep]

thanks all. I kind of think I should have got angry but it's just NOT ME. I came from quite an angry relationship before this one. The shouting really terrified me.

She is a bit of a mess. This is a line that she shouldn't cross though. I have made that VERY clear to her dad and said I never want this to happen again without him coming down VERY heavily. He gets it.

[Izzy24]

Robotroy: It's key that your OH backs you up.

^^ Absolutely this.

I wish wish wish that DH and I had been on the same page because, truly, all our family relationships would have been a million light years from where they are now. Which is very sad.