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Anyone else nervously waiting...

(18 Posts)
HeadDoctor Mon 22-Dec-14 10:16:54

Anyone else nervously waiting to see if their DSC actually make it for Christmas day/eve/Boxing Day? ExW pulled the plug on our Christmas plans with DSC last year for the 23rd and DH didn't get to see them til January. This year we have court ordered contact for Christmas eve through to Christmas day. Handover arrangements weren't nailed down by the judge and exW is not willing to communicate so DH doesn't know what's happening.
We've gone to so much effort to make Christmas special for them - I don't think I can face the disappointment of last year all over again.

acharmofgoldfinches Mon 22-Dec-14 10:34:01

it's awful isn't it, our DSCs aren't due until the weekend, but there is every chance that it'll all get changed at the last moment, or cancelled altogether.

The only way we managed to cope with it when they were younger - we had a LOT of what you're describing - was to have Christmas whenever they finally got there, even in the middle of January one year. It's not ideal but it did reduce the stress a bit as we, and they, knew we would have a party with them even if it wasn't on THE day. We also used to do this with birthdays (theirs and ours) and just make a big game out of it - oooh you're having two Christmas Days, how lucky is that?

This took away a lot of the XW's power, which is the only reason she did (and does) any of it. Because she could. And because the courts can't/won't do anything about it.

Don't get me started really, I know exactly how you feel. I really hope they arrive as planned and you all have a lovely Christmas xx

operaha Mon 22-Dec-14 13:11:42

My dsc mother would give them to a stranger on the street to get a night free so no worries about that here.
We have alternate Christmas and New year's, so last year she was hammered by lunch time and went home leaving her sister to have them, we had them new year. This year we have them Christmas and she's found a relative to take them new year. I feel really sad for them.

wheresthelight Tue 23-Dec-14 08:04:48

we are meant to have dsc's xmas eve through to Sunday however exw has refused to allow us to have them until 12 on xmas day despite a mediation agreement to alternate and her having had them for the whole of xmas last year. because dp has stood up to her and argued with her til the bitter ens she has now decided she wants to alternate from next year so he is insistent that we have them for the whole thing next year as they haven't had ab xmas morning with their baby sister and the kids were desperate to spend it with her this year.

I genuinely don't understand why these women see fit to use their kids as pawns. part of me could understand more if it had been dp who had ended their marriage but as it was her sleeping with anything with a penis who looked twice at her I am mystified!

as a result dp and I have had a very frank discussion regarding our dd in the event our relationship ever fails and we have formally agreed that birthdays, xmas etc would all be alternated or spent together until she is old enough to understand as I never want her to feel torn between us

TheJingleMumsRush Tue 23-Dec-14 09:15:15

I think his ex will do the same next year unless you do something about it. Can you go get them as planned?

TheJingleMumsRush Tue 23-Dec-14 09:15:34

Sorry, that was to wheresthelight

acharmofgoldfinches Tue 23-Dec-14 11:17:19

Hi Head, have you heard from the XW yet re arrangements?


Smileybutstressed Tue 23-Dec-14 15:05:23

Yes. Since the beginning of the holidays we've had DSD. Her DM wanted us to travel the 100 mile round trip on Xmas eve to drop her off so that she could spend Xmas with her. We would generally oblige BUT we haven't seen DSD on Xmas for 3 years now. We thought it was only fair that we got to have her this year.
DSDs DM kicked off to which we said if you want her on Xmas eve then you can do the travelling (DPs ex moved in spring this year, previously they lived 4 miles away).

She refused to do any travelling yet expected us to jump to her demands. Anyway DSD has been off colour since Saturday when she arrived here. Funnily enough after mentioning this to DSDs DM its now fine for us to have her for Xmas day until she's better!!
Funny that!

marne2 Tue 23-Dec-14 15:23:08

My step children are older new ( 15, 18 and 21 ) but we still have this problem every year, this year only the 15 year old is coming ( though this may change ). It is hard to plan anything when you don't know until the actual day if they are going to turn up.

wheresthelight Tue 23-Dec-14 16:30:35

Dp and his dad are collecting them and we have made sure it's all on email and copies will be logged with dp's solicitor in the new year with the view to taking it back to mediation and court if necessary because I for one am done picking up the pieces of her selfish behaviour!

I had dss here last Wednesday in tears when I told him he wouldn't be here for Xmas eve and xmas day morning anymore. he was really angry at his mum and although I played it down and in a "mummy and daddy both love you and both want to spend that time with you way" he is 11 and more than aware of the injustice in the situation so a small part of me hopes to god he says something to his mum to piss on her chips

TheJingleMumsRush Tue 23-Dec-14 21:53:02

Can you sent and email with your pick up plan (as per court) and cc solicitor? May make her see you're not playing games x hope hoes well for you and I hope you have Dss tomorrow. I feel bad for him

wheresthelight Wed 24-Dec-14 04:50:11

mumsrush you are a bloody genius!!!!! I could hug you.

will suggest to dp

merry Christmas!!!

FaithLoveandGrace Thu 25-Dec-14 17:59:20

Thought all was going to go well but no such luck. Supposed to be having DSS early tomorrow morning. DP's ex has now said we can't have him til 12 tomorrow. Ffs! Apparently DP is being unfair wanting him earlier as it was his Christmas last year - she made him drop him off just after lunch on Christmas Day last year!! So annoyed!

HeadDoctor Thu 25-Dec-14 18:39:27

Sorry, I did start to reply to this several times and got pulled away in the flurry of Christmas preparations!
Arrangements were finally confirmed the day before Christmas Eve. They had a marvellous time though it was clear exW has been on at them again. A lot of "my mummy says [insert nasty statement about various adult issue]".

Feel very, very fortunate. A year ago we were still deep in the court system with minimal contact so we've come a long way :-) I hope every else had relatively stress free Christmases :-)

wheresthelight Thu 25-Dec-14 20:11:36

faith that sucks!!! DP's exw has played similar tricks too. She wanted them this morning so her parents could see the kids on Xmas day and when we asked them today if they had had a nice morning at their Nan's they haven't even been. The woman is a f***ing selfish cow - she had them Xmas eve - day after Boxing day last year and we should have had them Xmas eve - Sunday but offered for her to collect them about 4 today and drop them back about the same time tomorrow even though the agreement in place doesn't require us to and she still tried to screw us over!!

Head Glad it has gone ok and come so far!!!

Once the kids finally got here we have had an amazing day. They have eaten everything without any fuss, been polite and grateful for their gifts and have played beautifully with DD and each other.

HesNotAMessiah Fri 26-Dec-14 22:36:36

Ach, these things happen. It's just a reflection of what a disorganised person the ex is. Or how disinterested they are in their own kids.

We had it all planned. Kids with us Xmas week, over to ex's Xmas eve for big family lunch on Xmas day then back to us Xmas day evening for our presents.

Of course it didn't turn out that way, instead ex wanted to pick up dsc on Xmas eve for an hour or so, then pick them up Xmas day at the time were sitting down to the lunch we had planned as they wouldn't be here, and drop them Boxing Day at a convenient moment.

For them. And regardless of what else we may have planned.

Deep breaths and big wine glasses in order!

robotroy Wed 31-Dec-14 12:00:33

We have a contact order which clearly defines that we have every other week in the holidays including Christmas, and also states every other Christmas. We got 3 days instead. Cue very upset DSD, and no choice but to explain to her the reason that she was only getting 1 day with us. Hundreds of pounds spent with the solicitor trying to remind her of her responsibility under the order, she broke contact anyway. She has made it clear she no longer intends to follow the order, that she feels she is in charge and will decide in future when she wants to block it again.

In our alternate Christmas years it's fine, we had the full week we were due last year and we always just do a second Christmas and that is not any sort of problem as far as DSD is concerned, in fact she describes it quite cheerfully to her friends what a bonus is it of two households.

It would have been better to have just not had her on the day and to have had the full week. So in 2 years time we get the choice of suggesting this, or just taking her to court.

It seems all wrong to me that she legally agreed to something, but it actually is totally meaningless unless we spend another thousand pounds to what, levvy some sort of punishment on her? Its insane. Under the new laws restricting a person from seeing their family to hurt them is abuse, but apparently not if you are a father. Then it's just completely accepted because you dared to leave the abusive household in the first place.

robotroy Wed 31-Dec-14 12:02:29

Sorry that timeline makes no sense and I can't see how to edit. What I mean to say is she was travelling 2 of the 3 days which meant she only got one day in DSD's mind.

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