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Step-parenting

How often does your SC stay over

35 replies

chazbomb · 11/12/2014 00:11

My nearly 15 SS stays most weekends with is no problem. He's great to have around but with 2 younger kids I'd love a Friday or Saturday night to ourselves just every few weeks like SS's mum gets every weekend even having 2 S kids. AIBU?

OP posts:
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SoonToBeSix · 11/12/2014 00:44

Yes, most parents don't get " weekends off"

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PeruvianFoodLover · 11/12/2014 07:04

Does your SS have a social life? Once DCs get to late teens, they usually spend less time in the family home and more time with friends.

This can often be suppressed in a split family situation because the "contact" becomes prioritised above the DCs social life. That's not a bad thing if contact is balanced with other aspects of the DCs life, but when contact is every weekend, and the DC still holds the status of "visitor" which prevents them engaging in other aspects of their life, then it becomes unnatural and unsustainable for all parties.

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thebluehen · 11/12/2014 07:08

Well the parent off op's sc gets every weekend "off" doesn't she?

We have the kids a third of the time, so generally get every other weekend to ourselves.

But every family is different. Personally I don't think it's unreasonable to want some time to yourselves without sd, and at 15 I would be worried if she didn't have some life of her own?

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DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 11/12/2014 07:12

Presumably she doesn't get any "time off" from doing the week day shit though.

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DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 11/12/2014 07:13

I assume that your SS's father rather likes seeing his child every weekend. Are you suggesting he has less contact or switches to some weekday contact? what would be your ideal? Different things work for different families.

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dancingbuthatingit · 11/12/2014 07:28

Do you only want the break from sc? What of your own dc?Hmm

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DurhamDurham · 11/12/2014 07:33

Whether they are your own children or stepchildren it can feel a bit like having lodgers in your home, you can't put them to bed, it is difficult to find any time to yourself.....that is until they develop a social life that is way better than yours ever was and then you moan that you never see them anymore. I'd say enjoy it while it lasts because once he gets a taste of going out and has a healthy social life he will just fit you in when there's noting else to do Smile

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MuttonCadet · 11/12/2014 07:36

In a year or so he'll be old enough to babysit your younger kids. We have SS every weekend and 2 nights in the week, but if we're going out we tend to take him as well.

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TheJingleMumsRush · 11/12/2014 07:57

We have them EOW, I have my own dc but he goes to bed early so have time off then. When the dsc are here they are up late and it can be hard going on me after a full on day with my ds and then them bouncing around. I don't think you ABU OP, I think all parents would like time off from time to time, step or otherwise

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TheJingleMumsRush · 11/12/2014 07:59

Doesnt, we all have weekday shit, I'm sure the OP does, not just the the dsc's mum Hmm

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thebluehen · 11/12/2014 08:49

Doesn't - then surely an arrangement where both parents share weekday and weekend "shit" would be better all round?

Everyone gets their share. Wink

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purpleroses · 11/12/2014 08:50

Ours come every weekend. So their DM has every single weekend to herself. It seems odd to me that she doesn't want any weekends with them, but DH likes having them a lot, and the system was in place before I was around so I don't feel I can or should try to change it. It is also an easier arrangement for the kids I think in a way than EOW, as it's a very simple routine. They always know where they'll be on any day of the week. My own DC go to their dad's EOW and I do sometimes wish we had a few more weekends with no kids though.

But at 15 you can go out and leave DSS. Maybe even leave him to babysit the younger ones? That's the good thing about them coming frequently - you don't need to feel the time is precious and you need to spend every evening they're about with them. My DH is reluctant to go out on a Friday night when they've just arrived, but he's OK about going out on a Saturday these days.

Can you make a "teenager's bedtime" of, say, 10pm after which he has to go up to his room at least? Having the living room to ourselves, even for half an hour or so I find helps.

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DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 11/12/2014 09:14

Doesnt, we all have weekday shit, I'm sure the OP does, not just the the dsc's mum

Well done for missing the point.

What does the father do for these children during the week? Does he deal with any of their weekday shit?

Doesn't - then surely an arrangement where both parents share weekday and weekend "shit" would be better all round?

Maybe read the post I made immediately after that.

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TheJingleMumsRush · 11/12/2014 09:18

Well seeming as the kids don't live with him what do you expect him to do? The parents have split, it's sad. If mum doesn't want the "shit" then let dad have them and she can be the NRP? Better?

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DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 11/12/2014 09:22

oh FFS. He doesn't have to live with them to do weekday shit does he?

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TheJingleMumsRush · 11/12/2014 09:22

Or better still, they could get back together and share the "shit". Did you think that maybe dad works all week to keep everything going? Do you think anyone really want to split up? My DH would love to be re resident parent but mum wouldn't want that, he wouldn't want to take them away from her and she can't earn enough to support everything if he did. So I find you corny about weekday "shit" pointless

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Petal02 · 11/12/2014 09:24

Once DCs get to late teens, they usually spend less time in the family home and more time with friends. But this can often be suppressed in a split family situation because the ‘contact’ becomes prioritised about the DC’s social life

And if you’re not careful, the ‘contact’ becomes the DCs social life.

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WhyYouGottaBeSoRude · 11/12/2014 09:30

Hmm i manage to work all week to keep everything going, plus study and have my kids 12 out of every 14 days without a partner to help. Not sure why working all week would exempt this dad from week day parenting.

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DoesntLeftoverTurkeySoupDragOn · 11/12/2014 09:34

TheJingleMumsRush you clearly have issues of your own that are making you unnecessarily rude and aggressive?

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Maroonie · 11/12/2014 09:35

I found 50/50 with SS over every weekend much harder than full time which we have now.
Although we had week nights free we work Monday-Friday so didn't give us much opportunity to do things especially as most social events for us are a Saturday.
We didn't get a babysitter and he never wanted to stay at a friends because it was a huge part of the limited time we saw him.
Now it's full time he has a better social life because he doesn't need to spend every minute he is with us actually with us!

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Maroonie · 11/12/2014 09:39

Wow things escalated while I was typing! And I probably didnt help OP much.
Are you close to where his mates live? Could he have a mate to stay over? That helped us get a bit of time on sat nights and was fun for him

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TheJingleMumsRush · 11/12/2014 09:41

Doesnt, didn't meant to come across aggressive , sorry, just it gets to me when it's seen as dad has the easy ride and any Sm wanting a bit of free time is unreasonable. Guess I do have issues with it! After school contact would be good if possible in the op's case. But it's nice to have a block of time.

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needaholidaynow · 11/12/2014 11:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chazbomb · 11/12/2014 11:36

We live about 20 minutes away. We used to have him Thursday and Friday so at least we had a Saturday night to ourselves but DH job is extremely busy so has been finding it difficult to take him to school on the Friday morning unfortunately I can't as I have my 2 to get to school. I just feel on a Monday after a full weekend with him that I've not had an evening to chill out with DH as he stays up until 11pm both nights. At least my DC are in bed at the weekend by 8.30 so we have a little bit of child free time if SS isn't there.

OP posts:
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BooDidIScareYou · 11/12/2014 12:25

chaz I have no answers but I do have sympathy with how you feel. I'm a stepmum (no DCs of my own) and we have my SS EOW, with DP and sometimes me seeing him after school as well (distance prevents mid week overnights). I would struggle with every single weekend, as we both work long hours and get very little quality alone time together in the week, so the weekends when we don't have SS are important to me - no more important than the weekends he is with us, but for different reasons IYKWIM. And before anyone flames me, I am very fond of my SS, we have fun together, I'm a pretty involved stepmum.

I suppose I'd expect by mid teens it would become a bit more ad-hoc at SS's choosing - so some weeks he might be with us much more than now, and other weeks we might barely see him depending on what he's up to.

Has anyone spoken to your SS about how he feels about it? He might feel that he has to stick to the arrangement as that's how its always been and he doesn't want to upset anyone by changing it.

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