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dsd attitude

(72 Posts)
wheresthelight Fri 28-Nov-14 18:47:12

we have bought dd and dsd a new set on bunk beds this week as dd has reached the lowest level her cot will go to and I doubt it will be long before she learns to climb out!

when changing the bed over we noticed that dsd has wet the bed and just left it. I haven't changed the beds for a couple of weeks as they are only here one night a week and eow so hadn't noticed before but the sheets had 2 dry rings and a wet one. Dp has spoken to her about it in terms of its the fact she hasn't said anything that he is cross about. I have said nothing. so now she is refusing to speak to me or even acknowledge me.

I have cooked tea and they are all in the living room and I am in the kitchen. Dp seriously doesn't get why I am fuming and upset as yet again i am being made to feel unwelcome in my own home. I have asked dsd several direct questions since collection at 5 and she has point blank refused to speak.

we used to have this issue with dss until I lost my temper and shouted a lot and cried a lot. but every time dp lets them get away with it.

Urgh I am pissed off!!!!

Whatever21 Fri 28-Nov-14 19:56:07

She is embarrassed, upset, ashamed and you are currently making a song and dance about it and her way to deal with it, is to ignore you. Can you blame her?

She knows she should not wet the bed, knows she should have told Dad and she knows you are both pissed off- how old is she?

You are handling this badly. Watch this become a recurring theme.

JeanSeberg Fri 28-Nov-14 19:57:56

How old is she?

Stylecraft Fri 28-Nov-14 20:02:39

She must be mortified - poor little mite. I can't believe you are fuming. These things happen. You should be handling this much more sensitively.

lunar1 Fri 28-Nov-14 20:10:57

I don't think the op meant that she was asking questions about the bed wetting, I read it as dsd was talking to her in general and got ignored.

I would encourage your DH not to be cross at all with her though op, she will be super sensitive. I take it your dh doesn't change beds as she has either guessed you must have told him or he told her you found it. Don't be mad with her over ignoring you with this one she is bro ably mortified.

Tutt Fri 28-Nov-14 20:12:52

OP clearly states she hasn't said a word to the child so why is she in the wrong??
She's taking it out on your OP as her Dad has spoken to her and she is embarrassed understandably and you I'm afraid as a step parent are a easy target.
Ignore the ignoring, talk to her as normal and if she refuses to talk refuse to be drawn into being the bad guy and carry on as normal.

Just let it go over your head ( easier said than done but just don't go there)

lunar1 Fri 28-Nov-14 20:14:43

Sorry, I meant op was talking to dsd, not the other way round!

wheresthelight Fri 28-Nov-14 20:21:33

questions were about what she wanted for tea, what the tv programme was not about the best wetting. Ffs I am not an ogre but then I guess as an sm I am automatically in the wrong for some of you

dp and I found the wet bed together as we were swapping the beds over.

wheresthelight Fri 28-Nov-14 20:22:36

whatever I haven't said a fucking word to her about so how exactly have I made a song and dance about it??? projecting much??!

and she is 9

GetTheRedOut Fri 28-Nov-14 22:23:02

I agree she is probably very embarrassed. I think she can't deal with you knowing she's wet the bed and therefore doesn't know how to speak to you right now. My DSD did the same several times when she was 6ish - she actually hid from me under her bed and refused to look at me or speak to me. Obviously as your DSD is older her coping strategy is slightly more grown up, but not by much tbh!

If it's possible, it might be worth quietly letting her know you aren't cross with her, she hasn't done anything wrong and in future if she has an accident she can just put her wet stuff in the washing machine and you'll sort it it for her. However, if communication is difficult between you I think best thing you can do is to let her come around in her own time.

StardustBikini Fri 28-Nov-14 23:00:43

Ignore the ignoring, talk to her as normal and if she refuses to talk refuse to be drawn into being the bad guy and carry on as normal.

I agree. if your DP isn't supportive and won't address his DDs behaviour, then all you can do is don a thick skin and emotionally detach so that her behaviour doesn't affect you.

A lot of stepmums seem to have mastered the technique of not caring how their DSC behave towards them, while at the same time continuing to care greatly about their DSC welfare.

Whatever21 Sat 29-Nov-14 15:27:17

You do not need to say anything, for any human being to know that someone is pissed off - a look, an action, an atmosphere.

This is not about you as a step mum, this is about any parent ( your DP is wrong aswell) handling bed wetting badly.

New bed, top bunk etc etc - loads of mitigating reasons.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels Sat 29-Nov-14 15:45:34

If your DSD has wet the bed a few times, and not said anything, then you have to think why that is. In any set up where a child has done this, there are several underlying issues that will be resulting in how she is acting/behaving towards you. The step part is just an additional factor she may well can't handle. I can well remember how utterly crushing it felt when I was young when id done something I was embarrassed about. My mum used to talk openly about those things with no regard to how it made me feel, and I probably behaved in a similar way towards her & whoever she talked to. Your DSD probably knows you know, from what her dad has said.

If your DSD is feeling embarrassed/ashamed/wanting the world to swallow her up rather than tell her dad/you that she's wet her bed, then trying to tackle that is going to be very difficult no matter what the home/parenting set up is. 1st issue is why is she wetting the bed? 2nd is why does she not feel comfortable approaching one of you about it afterwards. Being able to get across how absolutely OK it is that she can tell either of you if it happens again, or find a way for her to deal with it so you know, but she doesn't have to actually tell you (if it's just too much for her to come to you) might be a better way to deal with it that tell her she's done wrong for not telling someone about it when it's happened.

I'd suggest your DH has another chat, to reassure her that it's ok to have an accident & if she's not comfortable telling anyone if it happens then maybe get a particular washing basket for her bedding that she can put her cover in, that you can check whenever she leaves, might be a way around this. Buy some extra bedding specifically to absorb an accident if it's an ongoing thing (I used to buy the disposable mats for my DD).

FlossyMoo Sat 29-Nov-14 16:02:35

This is a sensitive issue and your DP should have handled it a lot better. I do have sympathy in regards to your DSD taking it out on you but as bad as you feel now I would imagine she feels much worse. Her dad is cross with her and you know she wet the bed. She feels ashamed and embarrassed.

Your DP sounds like a prick tbh and a good parent would be more concerned with why a 9 yo is wetting the bed and not that they didn't speak up about it. I wonder if he will be cross with your DD should she wet the bed when she is 9 yo I am sure then your only concern will be how you feel about it and not your DD's feelings.

MissHJ Sat 29-Nov-14 16:10:26

She is probably just embarrassed and doesn't know what to say to you. Just leave it a little while and no doubt she will soon be talking again to you and then you can discuss the bed wetting.

purpleroses Sat 29-Nov-14 23:11:35

I don't think occasional bed-wetting at 9 is that unusual or anything to worry about in itself. My DS wet the bed occasionally until about that age, as did DSD2. Both are really deep sleepers. And not telling anyone is entirely normal too - she's most likely really embarrassed, or possibly didn't even notice she'd done it is it happened when she was fast asleep. So I don't think there's any real problem in that sense.

If it's not happened before I'd just have changed the bed and said nothing at all. If it's a regular thing then yes, teach her to strip the bed herself.

wheresthelight Sat 29-Nov-14 23:15:08

i am not pissed off about the bloody bed wetting although i am slightly annoyed that she hasn't told us. I am pissed off that yet again i am ignored and treated like shit in my home.

DP has told her the accidents are not the issue its the hiding it that he is cross about. She is a swine, she will hold it and hold it and hold it until she can't and then can't get to the loo fast enough. The bedtime thing is the same, she won't get out of bed at night or when she first wakes up in the morning and then when she realises she can't hold it any longer she wets herself. It happens at school and at her mum's (although mum denies it but the bleaching in her coloured clothes is impossible to miss). She has been to dr and specialists and had endless tests and there is nothing physically wrong. Even the school say it happens when she is distracted and she delays going.

and as for your vile attack Flossy - you know absolutely zip about me or dp so do not assume to know what my concerns will or won't be.

FFS this place is meant to be supportive but some of you are just vicious keyboard warriors. I hope to god you are not as vile in RL

wheresthelight Sat 29-Nov-14 23:22:04

purple she has a washbox in her room and is fully aware that all she has to do is strip the bed and then put it all in her washbox and leave it on the landing and i will sort it out. If she at least did this then it would be amazing! We have talked to her til we are blue about the fact that it isn't a big deal but she has to either strip the bed or tell us so one of us can. I can tell when she has done it at school as she comes out smelling of it because she won't tell the teacher, so she knows we don't make a big deal because she just gets reminded to change her undies and have a wash when she gets in, it isn't mentioned other than that.

We have got her a reward chart so hopefully this will encourage her to try harder with it.

theowlwhowasafraidofthedark Sat 29-Nov-14 23:26:18

Poor you dsd. She's not a swine. She's embarrassed sad

FlossyMoo Sun 30-Nov-14 09:55:11

FFS this place is meant to be supportive but some of you are just vicious keyboard warriors. I hope to god you are not as vile in RL

I will NEVER be supportive of a poster who is as nasty about a child as you are. I don't call my children (DSC or DC) names so I would say in RL I am not as vile as you.

Cabbagesaregreen Sun 30-Nov-14 10:04:34

She screams out to me as a child who needs the adults in her life to be united in support and nurture of her. If providing a good level of care and understating etc isn't possible from these adults then I suggest you get her counselling support.

Bluegill Sun 30-Nov-14 10:05:18

You should do what my dad and his wife used to do. Check her bed every night and when she wets it batter the fuck out if her in front of the other kids too just for good measure. Then when she doesn't speak to you do what my fathers wife used to do to me, e.g grab me by the hair and smash my head off walls! Then when none of that works send the kids away and never speak to them away. shock yep! All true. Sorry, I know that's not what you're about but please try to have some sympathy. You're talking about a child. She needs you to be the adult and that you show her the right way to be. Please don't damage this little life because you're feeling uncomfortable and finding it hard to deal with. If you want support on here it might be usual to reconsider your language.

PrettyPictures92 Sun 30-Nov-14 10:15:36

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

StardustBikini Sun 30-Nov-14 10:17:33

I will NEVER be supportive of a poster who is as nasty about a child as you are. I don't call my children (DSC or DC) names so I would say in RL I am not as vile as you.

But why is it that it is only on this board where posters are vilified for being nasty about a child?
Why is it that elsewhere on MN, children are referred to as "arseholes", "psychopathic", "moody" and "bitchy" and yet that elicites sympathy, concern and humour from responding posters?

I don't blame those stepmums who have given up on this board and who are now posting about their DSC behaviour elsewhere on MN without mentioning the relationship between themselves and the child.

This board demonstrates a very different form of support than the other boards on MN - and is frequented by posters who claim they are defending the DCs from hatred, whereas in fact, they appear to care not a jot about those DCs who are being posted about in the same terms elsewhere on the site.

PrettyPictures92 Sun 30-Nov-14 10:21:34

Startdust even on other parts of the board when I come across folk who call children nasty names, even dressing it up as a humorous attempt, I call them out on it. It is very wrong and very cruel.

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