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his way or the highway?

(9 Posts)
mumatha Thu 27-Nov-14 22:56:57

My partner lives 25 miles away from the home my two children's share with their dad, and I am shortly going to move back in with my partner after a 2 month break in our relationship. During this time I have stayed in the old family home, but have been seeing my partner daily as we work through our difficulties. My children are hoping (as am I) that my partner will accept my wish to stay overnight in the old family home from time to time, after my return to him; but I strongly suspect that he will not want me to do this. I would, of course, be staying in the spare room - the children's dad and I get on as friends, but that's absolutely as far as it goes. Who is right here? Am i asking too much of my partner to allow me to stay, say, one night a week in the old family home for the sake of my children? Or is he asking too much of me and my two sons, age 10 and 15, for me never to do so again? My partner has said he will be happy for the boys to stay overnight with us at his house, but their room is not sorted yet, and, the distance makes it hard to go to school on weekdays etc. I would welcome some opinions here please as I don't know which way to go. I love my partner to bits, as I also do my sons. I guess I want it all, but don't know a) if this is possible, and b) if so, how to go about getting it.

HonestLie Thu 27-Nov-14 23:11:16

It's a hard one. In your partners position I wouldn't like it. Without sounding rude, why do you need to stay too? They aren't young children, is there a reason they want you to stay?

Why did you and your ex split? Why did you and your current partner need a 2 month break? How would you feel if the situations were reversed and what happens if your ex meets a new partner who isn't comfortable with that arrangement?

There are too many variable to answer IMHO

purpleroses Fri 28-Nov-14 07:44:17

I have to admit I wouldn't be happy with my DH staying over one night a week with his ex, and I wouldn't want to stay with my ex either.

It's not so much that he might not trust you but just that it suggests you've not really moved on in your life and are ready for a new relationship. And what happens if your ex gets a new partner who wants to live with him? I can't see it working long term. Your DSs aren't getting the chance yet to form a part of two separate households but instead you want to live a kind of double life where you still have your old family as well as a new DP. It's for him to say of that bothers him off course, but it would bother me.

What do you mean the boys room isn't ready yet? How much time is it likely to take to make it ready?

riverboat1 Fri 28-Nov-14 07:49:21

I agree with Honest - 'it depends'.

I am someone who has absolutely no problem with my DP still being friends with his ex, them doing activities together with their DS (often including me and her DH but sometimes not). But I must admit I wouldnt like the idea of him sleeping over there one night a week.

Even if I trusted them both 100%, it would just be emotionally hard to accept he wanted to keep a permanent foot in his old family life and house. I would feel very weird all alone on those nights knowing where he was.and it would feel inhibitive to us really being a unit and home to DSS in our own right. But if I really believed it was in the child's best interests, it was being phased out and there were good reasons it should be this way I suppose I would try to accept it.

Presumably the main motivation for doing this is so you can see them during the week as opposed to just the weekends? Do you drive - couldn't you compromise by going over there for dinner with them or taking them out to dinner, but driving back to your home with your DP to sleep?

supermariossister Fri 28-Nov-14 08:17:25

can't say id be happy with that and Its not so much that I think he would be jealous but like others say it would seem as though you haven't moved on. the dc are old enough to understand that this is the way things are now I think it's time for a clean break.

latorgator Fri 28-Nov-14 08:28:16

I agree with the others, I wouldn't be happy also.

latorgator Fri 28-Nov-14 08:30:33

And as for the distance, you'll either need to move closer or have them at the weekends (when the rooms are sorted) so school isn't an issue

Monathevampire1 Fri 28-Nov-14 08:41:38

You've been staying with your ex for several weeks so I really can't see what the problem is with you staying one night a week if you ex is prepared to have you.
If you and your partner are going to make your relationship work then you both need to get the spare room sorted so your sons can come over some weekends.

HesNotAMessiah Fri 28-Nov-14 09:59:57

All of the above!

What you haven't told us is what led to you and your ex breaking up but remaining such good friends.

The fact that your ex is happy to have you stay over is really unusual nice, but the problem you're most likely to have is explaining to your DP what sort of relationship you have with your ex, without it sounding like the very comfortable one DP is hoping to have with you.

And that will no doubt raise some jealousy issues, and the resulting insecurity.

Looking at it from DP's angle, here you are trying to rebuild a relationship with him while living with another man. And if/when you've moved back in together you still want to stay with that same man one night a week.

I know you'll say it's staying with the kids, just offering a different perspective.

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