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Was I in the wrong here??

(44 Posts)
Whateverwhenever Mon 24-Nov-14 16:23:14

Just wanted views on a argument I had with BF and if I was the one in the wrong! Thought posting here would give good views as many are mothers as well as step mothers.

My children only see there dad once a month for one day and one night (24 hours in total) and I may be totally unreasonable saying this but I love those 24 hours, no cooking, cleaning, entertaining kids etc.... That's my 24 hours to do as I please, go out if I wish, have a lie in and not worry or have to think as a mother for the day, that's only a total of 12 days per year and I love it grin I think the little day off makes me a better mum!

So my bf has a son and his ex wife changed his contact days back in the summer saying he can only have son one day a month overnight as she herself had her step son every weekend and wants her son there to and yep you guessed it it always falls on my weekend I'm child free! (Bf also had one weekday evening contact to)

Now I'm totally fine for my bf to have his son this weekend but have requested that he keeps him at his house for the day/night instead of always bringing him to mine as I don't want to spend my little tiny bit of my day off feeding/entertaining a child!

So this has been causing a few issues and bf refuses to ask his ex wife to change the weekend even every other month (which I suggested as a compromise) stating that his ex wife holds all the cards and it has to be on her terms!

So basically a huge fight broke out when my bf said I should Tell my ex that the current weekend arrangement doesn't work for me and that I want to change my weekend and as he refuses to pay maintenance he has no say in it and that if he doesn't agree then I stop the children seeing there dad altogether!

Now I wasn't happy with this at all, no my ex doesn't pay to support his kids, but things have been very hard especially the first 3 years after the spilt (think police etc) and it's taken along time to get to the stage we are now, regular contact and able to actually talk to each other at drop/collect etc.

So we had a huge fight about it and I have said I am not going to rock the boat with my ex and not let the kids see him if he doesn't change his weekend as it's not fair on the children and they are the only ones who will suffer and if he wants to see me on that weekend then it's down to him to sort it out with his ex and not expect me to use my kids as a porn!

We are currently not talking after slamming phones down, so was I right or and I being a bitch not taking his son into consideration?

StardustBikini Mon 24-Nov-14 16:38:04

Neither of you are wrong, IMO!

You have both agreed contact schedules for your DCs which are in their best interests and neither of you are willing to change those, in part because neither of you want to "rock the boat" with your DCs other parent.

Sadly, that means that you and your BF have less quality time to spend together.

Whateverwhenever Mon 24-Nov-14 16:46:01

Thanks for reply, my only argument was that because his ex wife has her step son every weekend it actually doesn't matter what weekend my bf had his son on as it wouldn't affect her family life in anyway! She suggested that last weekend of the month for easy I guess do everyone knows where they are and he agreed straight away knowing that was the one only free day we get together a month! When he could of easily asked for say the first weekend!

Like I said to him I'm 100% fine for him to continue as it is and for him to stay home with his son this day and not see me because I don't think I'm being unreasonable to want my little free time!

Guess I'm more cross about the fact he wants to bring his son to mine and expects me to threaten my ex with not seeing the kids if he doesn't change our contact arrangement

TheBakeryQueen Mon 24-Nov-14 16:57:36

You are entitled to spend your time as you wish. I understand how important that bit of quiet time is too.

OwlCapone Mon 24-Nov-14 17:02:54

...and expects me to threaten my ex with not seeing the kids if he doesn't change our contact arrangement

To be fair, you wanted your BF to risk losing contact by asking his ex to change the weekends which is the same thing really.

Neither of you are "right" as it is a crap situation.

You are, however, absolutely not wrong in wanting that little slice of personal time! I love my 3 to bits but I do sigh when they are safely packed off to their father's. No way would I want to be entertaining someone else's child during that time.

Whateverwhenever Mon 24-Nov-14 17:43:23

Owl if I thought it would risk him losing contact then I wouldn't even suggest it, his relationship has always been very good with his ex wife unlike mine and my exes witch has been awful over the years! Guess I was just cross he wouldn't even suggest bringing it up with his ex but would be perfectly happy for me to threaten mine with no contact!

Glad I'm not being selfish though in enjoying my little "me" time!

Guess he is just going to have to suck it up like I have to as I'm perfectly happy for him to maintain his current arrangement and not see him that week

OwlCapone Mon 24-Nov-14 17:49:00

bf refuses to ask his ex wife to change the weekend even every other month (which I suggested as a compromise) stating that his ex wife holds all the cards and it has to be on her terms!

That didn't sound like they get on at all and that he thought he'd lose contact.

I suspect there isn't a right answer to this really!

Whateverwhenever Mon 24-Nov-14 18:16:28

Yes he thinks she has no say in anything yet they get on fine attend all school things together, ex goes to his exw and her new husbands once a week to collect son and spends a hour or so there chatting to them etc

Your right though none of us are wrong or right

TheBakeryQueen Mon 24-Nov-14 18:40:26

Well if I loved someone & could see that they had 1 child free day a month then I wouldn't want them running around after another child, I'd realise that they needed & deserved a break. I think he is being selfish, not you.

thebluehen Mon 24-Nov-14 19:43:35

This is down to him. He agreed to change contact days and agreed to the one day that doesn't suit you.

He had a choice at that point but the choice he made was to put what his ex wants first.

wannabestressfree Mon 24-Nov-14 19:51:47

You do need the sort the maintenance though. Your ex should be paying by now. It's ludicrous he is paying nothing for his children.

purpleroses Mon 24-Nov-14 20:13:12

You're quite entitled to want to spend your child-free time without your BF's DS around. But if you want the relationship to work and to include the DCs (yours and his) you could at least offer to ask your ex if he would mind juggling weekends. I can't see how asking damages your DC in any way. You could ask if it could change from, say, after Christmas, or a time of your ex's choosing, not necessarily straight away. Of your ex says no you could then go back to BF and put pressure on him to ask his ex to swap around, but at least you'd have tried

Whateverwhenever Mon 24-Nov-14 20:19:06

wannabest the maintenance has been a on going thing for 7 years now through CSA, sadly still haven't seen a penny dispute the liability orders put on the arrears...... I live in hope that one day I will get some!

Purple rose, I did say I would ask my ex to consider swapping his weekend first but that I was very doubtful he would agree (he does like to be difficult) but I do not agree to demand it and threaten that if he doesn't then he will not be allowed the children (like my bf wants me to do) because the only people who will suffer will be the children who want and enjoy seeing there dad

CalicoBlue Mon 24-Nov-14 21:41:56

This is difficult, I completely understand that if you have no kids you don't want to have another kid there. I feel the same if my DC are away and DSS is here. If you do not live together I do not understand why he has to bring him to yours.

However it is also important to get time together as a couple when there are no kids around.

You need to try and talk when you have both calmed down. There must be a compromise in this somewhere.

TheBakeryQueen Mon 24-Nov-14 21:50:49

It sounds like he is testing you to me. I think he is trying to assert his dominance over you & your ex. Don't let him.

Fattyfattyyumyum Mon 24-Nov-14 22:05:34

Just don't see him that weekend. Enjoy your time off in peace.

As for the maintainence, he's clearly in the wrong to be not paying for his children and this alone would be a red flag to me

thebluehen Mon 24-Nov-14 23:52:11

Fatty - I think it's op ex who isn't paying maintenance not her current partner.

Whateverwhenever Tue 25-Nov-14 16:31:48

Yes it's my ex who is not paying, my current bf has always paid maintenance to his ex!

We have talked without arguing, I have told him I don't expect him to change/ask his ex to change the current arrangement if they are both happy with it then that's fine, but I'm not willing to give up my one day so he will just have to hsve his son that weekend at his and I will spend mg weekend alone doing as I wish!

TheBakeryQueen Tue 25-Nov-14 17:36:09

Good on you. Enjoy the peace when you can.

WannaBe Wed 26-Nov-14 09:35:00

this is a bit of a two sided issue IMO.

From your perspective you get one day a month to yourself which is your time just to yourself. Absolutely nothing wrong with that at all, even to the point that on your one day off you don't want to be responsible for someone else's child given that on that one day a month you don't have to be responsible for your children.

But from his perspective he has his children on that one day a month, and you telling him not to bring his dc over on that one day - the one day he has them, can easily be construed as you not wanting his children in your life, given that you have asked him not to bring them over iyswim. That's of course not how you see it given you have suggested he change his contact, but any parent wants to think of their children being a part of the relationship and if he spends all his time with you with your children as well he may be finding it difficult that the one time you could be spending with his children is the one time you've asked to have time on your own. if that makes sense?

His telling you to threaten to stop contact if your ex doesn't pay/give in to your demands is way out of line though.

Also, a change in the schedule would also enable your dc to build a relationship with each other, something which would be crucial if you are to have any kind of future together.

And as an aside, if your dp is on such good terms with his ex why does he have so little contact?

Whateverwhenever Wed 26-Nov-14 23:05:59

Wannabe understand what your saying totally, my self and bf don't live together and I only spend weekends with him, I don't see him at all in the week!

It's not that I'm trying to exclude his son just annoyed that he happily agreed to that one weekend a month knowing full well it is the one and only day I/us get alone!

He sees his son every wends and Friday and has 1 full weekend a month the reason being it suits his ex wife as she has her step son every weekend and would rather have her son there with them!

It looks like everything I have said it's just being ignored now anyway as he is already talking about coming this weekend straight from school on Friday...... Oh and also informed me he will need feeding when they get here at 5pm, uniform washed and ironed and a pack lunch ready for Monday hmm

Have a feeling another huge fallout is going to occur

ThisFenceIsComfy Wed 26-Nov-14 23:11:15

Do you think he may just be worried that you won't be there to look after his son for him?

Sounds a bit that way.

FunkyBoldRibena Wed 26-Nov-14 23:16:15

It looks like everything I have said it's just being ignored now anyway as he is already talking about coming this weekend straight from school on Friday...... Oh and also informed me he will need feeding when they get here at 5pm, uniform washed and ironed and a pack lunch ready for Monday hmm

Have you considered saying no to this? Just a thought.

tribpot Wed 26-Nov-14 23:16:44

Surely you just tell him no. He's not to come to your house. As agreed, you will be spending that day apart.

It's your house, this is not up to him. Can you force the issue if necessary by just being out at 5pm?

Whateverwhenever Wed 26-Nov-14 23:29:17

Oh I will be out at 5pm, already promised my kids a macdonalds tea for trying hard at school then straight onto their after school activity!

I did try and be nice and compromise and suggest maybe they just come on the Friday and go home on the Saturday morning (so I still get my 24 hours) but the response I got was "oh well we will see what happens Saturday, what we feel like doing"

At the time I couldn't really press the issue as I was on hands free because he had his son with him in car (it's his wends evening contact) but I will def be putting my foot down tomorrow!

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