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parental responsibility for ex's new b/f

(21 Posts)
balia Sun 16-Nov-14 17:16:09

A few weeks ago, DH's ex told him she wanted PR for her new b/f. I say new, as this is the first time DH has heard about him, but they may have been going out for ages.

Anyway, we've been looking into the legal side and it doesn't look like there is much chance of it - they aren't living together, for a start - but we are currently enjoying a pretty conflict-free settled time and DH is keen not to give her any reason to be difficult. He's thinking about whether it might be something he can live with in the future. I think it is a really bad idea, myself - anyone had any experience of anything like this?

Whereisegg Sun 16-Nov-14 17:18:34

As far as I know your dh would have to give up his pr in order for someone else to have them.
Is there a specific reason for this?
Does she want someone else to be able to take dc to the dr/school?
Do you live very far apart?

ArchangelGallic Sun 16-Nov-14 17:18:34

Sounds like a bad idea to me.
Are more than 2 parents allowed to have PR?

Maybe a few years down the line when he's shown to be a responsible parent and maintaining a stable relationship but not when it's so new.

balia Sun 16-Nov-14 17:36:21

We live 20 minutes away. DH plays a very active role in his DS's life, but had to fight very hard for the level of involvement he has, which is court ordered, w/end contact and half holidays, midweek tea. That has been the pattern for at least the last 7 years, except for the holiday bit which DH went back to court for a couple of years ago.

From what we can tell, she can go to court and ask for PR for her bf, and DH would not have to give up his. DH is really surprised that she is asking, it doesn't seem like her at all. When they were together (which was very briefly) she didn't want DH involved in her elder son's life at all. They've been apart for many years and she has only had 2 bf's in that time, neither have lasted and one was violent. She didn't live with either of them - but then she does have MH issues and doesn't like anyone going in her house. DSS is 12, so not in need of taking to school or anything. Seems most bizarre. she won't discuss it, either, so no idea if they have been in a stable relationship for any length of time, or anything about this person.

Whereisegg Sun 16-Nov-14 17:46:04

That does seem odd given the level of involvement from your dh and age of dss.

Whereisegg Sun 16-Nov-14 17:46:55

I think you should re-post in legal.

JorgiePorgie Sun 16-Nov-14 18:42:17

What are her reasons for wanting him to have PR? How valid are they? Is there really a need for him to have PR? I think it's highly strange she's asking your DH to give PR to somebody he's never even met. What were to happen if they split?

Personally I don't see the need when things can already be done if necessary and urgent in the absence of a parent.

WowGrowingUpSoQuickly Sun 16-Nov-14 18:49:46

My exH wanted it for his new wife. I refused and he threatened to pursue it through the courts. I took legal advice and my solicitor said unless I lived in another country or travelled away from home an awful lot there was no reason why the court would order it. He basically stood no chance of it being awarded to her.

Why would you want someone you don't know, to have responsibility for making decisions affecting the life of your child?

purpleroses Sun 16-Nov-14 19:23:19

You're right that your DH wouldn't have to give up any rights that he had in order for the new BF to have PR - it can be shared by 3 or more people. But unless the BF is caring for DSS for substantial periods of time when both his actual parents wouldn't be contactable, or doing a lot of day to day care like taking to the GP I can't see why it would be necessary.

balia Sun 16-Nov-14 21:26:33

I've been with DH for 10+ years and never needed PR - and never thought it was appropriate to ask for it, either.

She hasn't given any reasons, just said what she wants to happen. But that is fairly normal. Sometimes things make sense to her but not to other people, IYSWIM. I'm fairly confident that we're OK legally, in the sense that she is unlikely to be able to get it without DH's agreement. In fact she may not even be aware that she would need to apply to court even if he did agree.

I think DH wants to avoid conflict by saying something vague as in - maybe in the future, rather than a flat out no. It is possible that this is a pretext for a row that will (to her) justify denying contact - I simply can't think of any other explanation - this is so out of character otherwise. Unless she is under pressure somehow from the new bf?

chocolatemonster Mon 17-Nov-14 08:43:20

This seems so bizarre?

I can't even see how it would be beneficial to the child? As a step parent you can have a relationship with your stepchild and do things for them and with them without having PR.

I am a widow and even in that instance I have still never even considered giving my partner PR. It doesn't seem right.

In your case it would be undermining to your dh. Your dss has 2 loving parents even though they aren't together.

I think I would want to know the reasons why they feel it is needed and then reassess.

Stalequavers Mon 17-Nov-14 08:49:11

Absolutely not. You don't know this man from Adam. He could be influencing her/be abusive/controlling .

It would be a resounding no , why is your dh considering it just to keep peace? WEIRD

ChiefBillyNacho Mon 17-Nov-14 08:55:23

There's no need for him to have it. I'd definitely be saying no.

I would also be keeping a really close eye on things if she has a previously violent relationship - this could be another abusive one - and the whole thing driven by him.

StardustBikini Mon 17-Nov-14 12:02:28

why is your dh considering it just to keep peace? WEIRD

Not so weird when you consider that the OPs DP has fought to maintain his role in his DCs life, and the limitations that the court has placed on that.

It is all too common for parents who have been excluded from their DCs lives to agree to whatever the primary parent demands in order to maintain some level of contact. Whether that is always best for the DCs is questionable - it certainly isn't a black-and-white situation.

In this case though, I think the OPs DP can rely on "the system" to deflect his ex's demands; rather than responding with a "no", it may be easier to refer to the legal framework.

Whereisegg Mon 17-Nov-14 12:23:32

Has your dss never mentioned his mum's partner?

robotroy Mon 17-Nov-14 13:46:50

What a bizarre thing to ask for. I can't deal with the mindset some people have about having a relationship with someone with a child. You may be their confident, you may act in a parental type way, but there simply isn't any point at which you randomly inherit a child! Parental responsibility is for the parents IMO, I would personally worry too, what sort of message would it give a child, hey I don't need to be your dad any more now mum has a boyfriend. Er no.

I agree with the sensible approach in the light of an obstructive ex of saying, ah well the courts......

I would not be surprised if this one comes at us in the future to be honest, I am quite expecting it and I will feel just the same as you. Good luck OP

TooMuchCantBreathe Mon 17-Nov-14 16:24:10

Pr can't be awarded randomly like that, even if dh thinks it's a good idea (which it isn't, it's permanent so if ex and bf spsplit up he will still have all those rights e.g. He can pick her up from school ^and they can't stop him^) it is highly unlikely to happen. Getting pr for a married partner of long standing where the other parent has passed away is virtually impossible so she has no chance.

If I were your dh I'd tell her to go to a solicitor and find out all about it then send him all the info so he can read up. So he doesn't say no or yes. A good solicitor will tell her to forget it.

balia Mon 17-Nov-14 21:37:15

DSS very rarely talks about things that happen at his mum's; he's often told specifically not to tell us things (not even important things, really) and if asked he just looks uncomfortable and says he doesn't know. So we don't push. He hasn't mentioned new b/f.

Thanks, Stardust, Robotroy, TooMuch, I think we will go for a kind of deflection answer. If DH says 'No' in any definite way she will be very, very difficult, and I like the idea of telling her to get info from a solicitor. She's really unlikely to do it, but if she does, the sol will be the bad guy, not us, and she's already convinced the courts are against her. This will also appease the bf if he is behind it, but I'm not convinced he is (whoever he is). Sometimes she just gets an idea and can't let go of it (and sometimes she wants to start a row to justify doing something nasty) and this often happens in the run up to Christmas and new year. I think she finds it very stressful and that always has a negative impact on her MH.

I think DH was hoping against all experience that this relationship might be good for her and not wanting to stand in the way of that. She accuses him so often of being difficult on purpose to upset her I think he sometimes believes it!

Whereisegg Mon 17-Nov-14 21:40:19

Yes, I think sounding ok about it and asking for forms is the way to go too.
Poor dss sad

WillowHouse Tue 18-Nov-14 22:11:47

My DP has PR for my two dds, his step daughters. He had to be married to me and have lived with me and provided for the children for a year before we could fill in the forms. Ex happily signed - i have health problems so DP does need to be able to sign permisson slips and do docs appt etc.

Up to four people can have PR for a child and if all parties are in agreement it is free (bar postage costs) and relatively simple.

That said i don't think a new boyfriend who even lives with the child should even be asking shock

bonnymiffy Wed 19-Nov-14 12:36:09

I'm resident SM to DSS (aged 12) who moved in with us in September last year, I don't have PR. His school is aware of this, and I've taken him variously to the doctor's, dentist, and even a Minor Injuries Unit. I've never needed it to do that. I'm the school's first point to contact as I'm a SAHM, and if there was a very serious accident that involved a trip to A&E I would rely on the doctors having taken a hippocratic oath to do all they needed rather than my say-so on whether or not he could/not have any specific treatment, and DH is always reachable via mobile anyway, so is DSS's mother (mostly).
DH's Ex's new partner doesn't have it either, fwiw.
Not sure why the new partner would want/need it, but if you think the Ex will get difficult if DH says no, then let the Ex find out for herself that the new partner won't get it!

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