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I don't like my stepdaughter.

(223 Posts)
Momof3girls3boys Sat 15-Nov-14 23:54:34

Ok. Here it goes. First I want to say, I have two stepdaughters. I am raising the youngest in my home. She is in all aspects my child although I didn't give birth to her. I love her unconditionally as I do my biological children. My problem is my older stepdaughter. I have major concerns and problems with her. About a year and a half ago she accused my 7 yr old of touching her sexually. My step daughter was 8 at this time. These accusations are totally unfounded and completely untrue. Two different state child services found these claims (and others I will mention shortly) to be totally untrue. In addition due to her mother trying to revoke my husband's visitation rights a court has also concluded all the accusations to be unfounded. A year prior to this incident (so 2 1/2 yrs ago) she accused my 16 yr old of touching her inappropriately (unfounded and untrue). My stepdaughter, 2 1/2 yrs ago, told me of her kissing 2 boys and a girl at school. When asked she told me she kissed all of them with using tongues. She has also accused me (I want to let you know I am a certified teacher, I teach kindergarten) of abusing her 1 1/2 yrs ago. Now, I do believe in spanking, but with that being said, I rarely spank my children. And I would never lay a hand on someone else's child. I might give a total of one spanking a year to all my kids combined. At that time she accused her dad, my husband of holding a sword to her throat and threatening to cut her head off and that he shot her with BB guns. All of her accusations have been investigated by child protective services and my husband, myself and the children have all been found innocent of all of her accusations. My husband has decided up until this point that she would no longer come to our house, but now she will be coming for Christmas this year. I'm so nervous about her visit and really am not looking forward to it. I feel horrible about this. I am going to try to have a great Christmas with all our kids but I can't get myself to quit disliking my stepdaughter no matter how hard I try. I've defended her to my husband when this all first happened saying her mother probably put her up to saying this stuff and that she's just a child. But now that I'm faced with having her come again and possibly accuse someone of something else I feel the way my husband did at first. Please help me deal with my conflicting emotions. Tell me I'm a horrible person or whatever. I am trying to work through this and except her as my daughter.

ArsenicSoup Sun 16-Nov-14 00:00:49

How old is she?

ArsenicSoup Sun 16-Nov-14 00:05:27

I think apprehension is understandable TBH. Your cocerns are not baseless.

Maybe accepting her as your daughter is too big an ambition?

How long is she coming for? Christmas day itself? Longer?

ArsenicSoup Sun 16-Nov-14 00:06:40

concerns^

Stalequavers Sun 16-Nov-14 00:06:49

Is she about 10?

Goodness op this sounds tough. My first reaction is to think what has happened to this child to be making these accusations. Now obviously on your side it's all been cleared, but what's happening at mums? Has SS investigated why she is making do many claims? Is she under a therapist ? She so ds like she needs one.

Adarajames Sun 16-Nov-14 00:22:47

She must be learning these things that are worrying for a child that young to know somewhere, I'd also be worried about what is happening to her at her mums / grandparents / other family members etc etc, sounds like yours is the only place she felt safe enough to make the accusations, but hope SS have investigated other areas of her life to find out what is happening elsewhere to the poor child. Must be so hard for you to have her visiting again, no advice just respect for trying so hard to make the situation work or you all x

Momof3girls3boys Sun 16-Nov-14 00:24:11

She is 9 almost 10. She will be here for about a week. And no she isn't seeing a therapist because her mom won't bring her although we have offered to pay and the insurance we have will cover a lot of it. She lives about 8 hrs from us so my husband can't bring her

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 16-Nov-14 00:29:41

Honestly? My first impression is that someone is hurting this child, possibly she is being abused. Clearly not in your home, but I am very surprised social services aren't putting all these allegations together and investigating hard.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 16-Nov-14 00:32:38

It also worries me that as a teacher, who presumably has been trained in child protection, you aren't putting all these red flags together for yourself. She is very young. These kinds of allegations aren't made maliciously when you are 6/7.

Momof3girls3boys Sun 16-Nov-14 00:42:36

We've discussed our concerns with child services but I think they believe it is us just bring spiteful of her allegations because they don't investigate our concerns. Also, her mother has been investigated due to her mother calling (my stepdaughter's grandmother, her mom's mom). We have seen the reports. They state mom doesn't cook for her but, "the child is capable of preparing meals for herself". Another concern in the reports show the mom admitted to "drinking a few beers before picking up her daughter and driving with her in the vehicle". All they did was tell her not to do it anymore. There are other comments in the reports that caused concern but I don't remember them off hand.

ArsenicSoup Sun 16-Nov-14 00:59:01

But nothing to explain the sexualised statements etc?

Momof3girls3boys Sun 16-Nov-14 02:06:45

No, nothing

latorgator Sun 16-Nov-14 02:09:17

What stood out to me is she said about the decapitation! That's very disturbing. She's 9?. Your DH had agreed she can't come to your house?

rootypig Sun 16-Nov-14 02:13:31

Well that's a huge amount for you to cope with. Nonetheless, I think the appropriate response is concern.

Like Lonny, I am uncomfortable with the total lack of interest in your OP in your DSD's wellbeing. And if I thought my daughter's father were not cooking for her, or driving her around drunk, I would hit the bloody roof.

Adarajames Sun 16-Nov-14 02:13:58

Are you not in the UK Op?

rootypig Sun 16-Nov-14 02:14:09

My husband has decided up until this point that she would no longer come to our house

Missed this. Christ on a bike.

latorgator Sun 16-Nov-14 02:14:22

Ok, you can't accept her as your daughter, the fact you have done that with your other dsd is great but sometimes it just doesn't happen. I don't judge for the smacking, each to their own, but why would she say that about her head being cut off? I don't for a second believe that was the case but something's not right either that. All you can do is be together (back each other up) so no more accusations.

rootypig Sun 16-Nov-14 02:23:43

Sorry lator, I disagree entirely. It sounds as though this child is being badly let down by all of her parents.

OP "cannot remember" what was a cause for concern in the reports? has no concerns of her own, other than her "dislike". But DSD's grandmother is sufficiently worried to call child protection? this little girl is a CHILD.

EmbarrassedPossessed Sun 16-Nov-14 02:27:08

I don't know if child protection training is different in the US, but to me, everything you're reporting is a major concern for this child's welfare. I would strongly suspect that someone is abusing her, somehow. Put aside your like/dislike of her, and think about how you can get her help. Can your husband not take her to counselling himself?

Momof3girls3boys Sun 16-Nov-14 02:49:32

We have told child services about our concerns. I said that previously. They either didn't investigate or didn't find evidence of anything they consider wrong. Between my husband and I, we have report concerns at least 5 times. And her grandmother 2 times. We live about 9 hrs away from my step daughter otherwise my husband or myself would take her to counciling. Her mother said she would bring her we scheduled an appointment at a place that was within a mile of her house and her mother would NOT bring her to the scheduled appointment. Since child services isn't helping we have made a constant effort to let her know we love her and can come to us about anything. Granted, I do this by phone. My husband goes and visits her about every other month. He works a job where he's gone two weeks then home two weeks so he goes when he is off work and spends a weekend with just her and him. That way she cannot make accusations against the other children. Ultimately, we are all they have and they have to be kept safe too.

rootypig Sun 16-Nov-14 02:55:32

So - you and your husband have how many children together? all of the chidden - yours, his, yours together, if any, live with you - except this one daughter? Just trying to understand the set up.

Yes, your other children must be kept safe. But this little girl sounds tremendously unhappy at the very least and 6 visits a year from her father is not going to cut it.

EmbarrassedPossessed Sun 16-Nov-14 03:02:04

Can't he take her to counselling when he sees her for one of his weekends then?

lunar1 Sun 16-Nov-14 03:23:46

It sounds like this little girl is being badly let down by every adult in her life. How old was she when all this started? Around 6? My 6 year old wouldn't have any concept of any of the things you mention. Where on earth would a child of this age learn these things unless someone in their life was committing some level f abuse towards her.

Your husband sounds like a waste of space, he should be doing everything in his power to protect his daughter, but instead he stopped her coming because he'd rather play happy families with you. His actions towards his child are indefensible and at the very least he is condoning whatever abuse his daughter receives through his neglect.

Momof3girls3boys Sun 16-Nov-14 03:25:44

We have five children that live with us. 4 mine, 1 his. Another thing I didn't mention earlier is that up until August she lived 19hrs away. Up untill last summer she spends all summer with us also. And she will be with us next summer too.

Momof3girls3boys Sun 16-Nov-14 03:37:18

My husband is a great man and father. Between his two daughters we have spent over $100,000 fighting to keep them both safe!! He only agreed to not have her come to our house because we thought it was best for the other children. We suspect her mother is manipulating her to say these things but we have no proof.

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