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worried about DSS

(17 Posts)
alwaystryingtobeafriend Sat 15-Nov-14 09:43:15

Im a wee bit worried about dss (8). I dont have kids so not sure how 8 yr old should be.

He can never remember anything. When asked if he was at school yesterday he couldnt remember.

He cant remember what clothes he wears or anything that should be quite straight forward.

I dont know if he maybe just relies on his sister to do everything for him but i think the fact he cant remember anything is quite worrying.

He also cant do anything such as brush his hair. Put socks on. Lace his shoes.

Maybe i am bring unfair but like i say i dont know so would be grateful for any advice.

fedupbutfine Sat 15-Nov-14 10:11:48

all sounds normal to me. I am not sure why you think a child should remember what clothes they wore yesterday - what has that got to do with anything that might be important in their lives?

Some children will tell you what they did at school, others 'can't remember'. It is not an indicator of memory problems or some kind of learning disability.

Socks are possibly an issue but at 8, I would just encourage them to do it alone and help if necessary. Why would he need to lace his shoes? Do you mean tie them? Most children of 8 would have velcro shoes, I think. Hair brushing is easily learnt - give him a brush and let him get on with it.

Yes, you're being unfair, I think.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Sat 15-Nov-14 10:33:12

Thats why i am asking. I am not sure whats normal and whats cause for concern.
He doesnt know what clothes to put on when he cones over even though its in a bag from his mums. I struggle to understand how he doesnt know whats his and whats his sisters.
But i thibk using your initiative and picking your own stuff out from a pile of stuff is important to develop your own thoughts and make choices. Even with somethi g simple like pickin g your own clothes.

I accept i am being slighlty unfair as i have never parented u til the last 3 years abd only more in the last year since i moved in.

I am guilty of comparing him to his older sister and other kids i know his age who can do all this stuff. Which is definitely unfair of me.

We try to encoutage him to do stuff himself nd gethim to get gis stuff bur he just starts crying because he doesnt know. It breaks my heart but it also fustrates me. I dont say anything to dp because i know its most likely me being unfair and unreasonable. Butas long as its all notmal behaviour then thats fine. I'll let it go. X

SageSeymour Sat 15-Nov-14 10:34:39

It's normal. They're air heads. I have one myself.

Loveable but couldn't tell you what he'd had for breakfast half an hour after he's eaten it

Just be kind and maybe help him get dressed? Takes two minutes. I can reassure you that you won't be helping him when he's 16

hollie84 Sat 15-Nov-14 10:38:50

I disagree with the others and think it is unusual. How does he get on at school? Generally even 5 year olds would be expected to be able to get their PE kits out of their bags themselves and get changed for example.

elizalovelacey Sat 15-Nov-14 10:42:33

Its sounds normal to me,mine arent much better,lovely but bit hopelessgrin

alwaystryingtobeafriend Sat 15-Nov-14 11:04:02

Glad im not alone. I just thought it was a bit unusal. Maybe its a boy thing who knows.

I think he gets on okb at school. His techers always say good stuff about him and he is a smart kid. Its just yhe lack of initative that concerned me but if its normal then ill try and be more patient. ��

TooMuchCantBreathe Sat 15-Nov-14 11:11:33

It's difficult to tell from what you say, ds always has been a bit away with the fairies so he'll put on one shoe, catch sight of the TV, zone out. Once you get his attention it takes him some effort to remember what he was doing - even though he has a single shoe on! This sort of thing is fairly normal imo, easily distracted, prefers to let others step in (well why wouldn't you). But he could recognise his own clothes in a pile or be able to pick up a black hoodie and work out if it was his or his sisters. Basically I'm not sure, how much of it is that he can't and how much he'd prefer to let his sister do it not to? If dsd is taking on a mini mum role then it needs addressing.

TooMuchCantBreathe Sat 15-Nov-14 11:15:43

Oh, on initiative, ds will go to his drawers and take out jeans. He then comes to me "I don't like these jeans, they're all I've got" "what about your joggers" "they're old" "no your new ones, we bought last week" "oh yeah, where are they? " "in the trouser drawer ^where the jeans were^" "oh" poddles off "can't find them....."

Yet he can take the initiative in suggesting a meal, which movie to watch, starting the popcorn etc. Essentially it depends how important it is to him!

neolara Sat 15-Nov-14 11:16:58

I think it's definitely odd if he genuinely doesn't know which are his clothes and which are his sisters. That's different from just being a bit dizty. I think not remembering what he wore the day before / not brushing hair is not an issue.

StardustBikini Sat 15-Nov-14 12:12:33

I had the same concerns about DSS at the same age, and posted here; and was given the same advice - it's normal, he'll be fine - along with various other gems reminding me I'm not his parent so butt out wink

He's 11 now; has had two near misses outside the school gates, numerous lates, and is (as far as we are aware) struggling with transition to secondary. But as he's no longer a part of our family, there is nothing we can do.

Personally, I think you're right to be worried, but unless his parents are prepared to address it, all you can do is spectate from the sidelines.

NickiFury Sat 15-Nov-14 12:19:19

It's completely normal. My 11 year old still struggles to work out what to wear with what or even how to fold clothes. Their motor skills and practical planning are still developing at this age. As for the recognising which clothes are which, if his Mum still does most things for him it's not something he's going to do automatically just yet. And that's not a problem, I still do most things for my dc purely for speed. At weekends they do it themselves and are gradually learning. I set alarms on my dc's iPad to remind them when to do certain tasks and self care to aid them with learning to remember.

NerdyBird Sat 15-Nov-14 21:19:57

I don't think it's 'normal' based on the children I know of similar age, but it doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong beyond not having learnt to do it, or he's not used to it, or a bit of laziness. 6yo DSD might not remember what she did at school but can generally remember she went, she knows which are her clothes, can brush her hair etc but she's had to learn. So maybe it's just that you/your DP will have to encourage him in doing these things, focus on practical stuff like brushing hair, putting on socks. The other stuff like remembering things can vary greatly between children (and people in general, my post-baby memory is awful) so that might improve as he gets older.

robotroy Mon 17-Nov-14 14:29:00

It sounds a lot like DSD, she is a total button head. We started to notice similar things at around the same age. It seemed to me that she is ditzy, but also it made us realise that she was getting to an age she needs to realise to start to take responsibility for things. I think she has 4 adults in her life and I don't think mum has really realised she's not 3 any more, so she is also used to sitting back and letting the adults do things for her. She wasn't even looking when crossing roads, she would leave the house without a coat unless you expressly pointed out its raining you should get one.

We have talked to her a few times about hey we notice you're a big kid now, you're smart and capable of looking after yourself, we know you can do it. We've given her some responsibility, she is presently in charge of getting the adults across the road safely, she needs to make sure she's packed her bag not just expect the adults to have done it. She can make a drink or a sandwich if needs be. She will always be a button head I suspect, she is very creative and gets lost in thought and forgets really obvious things. So do I. If it's not a disabling problem for her then I think she will work out just fine.

I would try something similar, and as with DSD realise it's only a problem if it's a problem. I spend half my life looking for items or forgetting them and I'm ok so I'm sure she will be! If she gets to a point she is obviously underachieving for her intelligence level for example we will look into it more but all seems fine.

We found she responded really well to being acknowledged as a bigger kid. At first she was a bit miffed when we said things like, well, you can get it for yourself, but overall she is validated by it. I spoke to a friend and she had gone through a similar revelation with her kids of similar age so I think you're pretty much on course, it's good for you to think about these things. Just use lots of praise, she will proudly say, I've got my shoes on already and I make a big fuss like ah excellent mate then we're ready to go!

latorgator Mon 17-Nov-14 18:23:20

My dsd is 8, can get dressed, lace shoes, brush her teeth and hair. She can also get her own breakfast (toast, cereal). If I asked her what she did at school she won't always remember. I don't want to put a "normal" label on anything, just giving a comparison.

HesNotAMessiah Tue 18-Nov-14 09:33:46

Think it depends very much on how early you start to 'train' them.

Sounds like you're just starting.

Velcro shoes being a case in point - at what age do you switch to laces to find they can't tie them up?

They get more dipsy as they get older, as someone else said, depending on how important it is to them. Fifa15 - 12yr old knows every little detail but ask him to find out when the inflatable's on at the local pool and ......

Calico1706 Wed 19-Nov-14 12:43:18

Sounds similar to my DSS. He is nearly 13 and has to be reminded to brush his teeth otherwise he will not do it. Don't think he has ever brushed his hair. Completely dozy. Though he does have some learning difficulties.

They all develop differently, and girls in general develop so much faster that it is not really fair to compare him to his sister. My DD is the same age as DSS and is streets ahead in everything.

Just give him time and he will find his way.

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