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When you're with a man with kids, your plans don't really matter do they?

(57 Posts)
needaholidaynow Wed 05-Nov-14 16:19:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 05-Nov-14 16:22:58

Okay, well I think your anger should be directed at your MIL, not your SD mother. She asked because she assumed you'd be free? When you said you weren't she asked someone else, your MIL. It's your MIL who's got the hump with you.

I don't see why you're so worked up. If you can't do it, then don't do it.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 05-Nov-14 16:24:26

Oh and this:

"FFS. Surely it isn't my problem that her mum is working, particularly if I am busy. Basically I should have to change my plans, a day I have been looking forward to for about a week. I should just drop everything because that's all part of the job of being a stepmum."

This comes across as very hostile towards your SD and your resentment at your role as her step-mother.

HeadDoctor Wed 05-Nov-14 16:34:04

So don't do it? Your MIL is wrong and as a PP said, your annoyance should be aimed at her. Either DSDs mum or your DP will have to explain to their employer that they cannot work that afternoon due to childcare issues.

needaholidaynow Wed 05-Nov-14 16:34:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SisterMcKenzie Wed 05-Nov-14 16:34:52

Not your job, you not free childcare.

Ignore smile

BumblersBee Wed 05-Nov-14 16:38:04

Well if you've already got plans it's tough titty. If your SD's mum usually only works till 3 she should check arrangements about childcare before agreeing to work on till six.

As for your MIL, why exactly can't she do it? What has she told SD's mum? If it's no also - why is it ok for her to decline but not you?

Twitterqueen Wed 05-Nov-14 16:38:14

I don't understand why you're so angry about it.
I understand you have plans and don't want to change them but surely it's a good thing that DSD's mum feels able to ask you things like this? Couldn't you have been a bit helpful and suggested something like "so sorry I can't, but perhaps she could go home with xzy for a few hours?"

I get the feeling you really don't like your DSD.

BumblersBee Wed 05-Nov-14 16:43:23

I get the feeling you really don't like your DSD.

Really? I don't see any mention of DSD - only about MIL and DSD's mum. And tbh it's more towards MIL expecting her to do it because she is married to her father.

If she already has plans why should she reschedule? Yes, she's a step mum but DSD's childcare is for her mum and dad to work out.

sanfairyanne Wed 05-Nov-14 16:43:24

mil is just dumping on you
does that mean she doesnt like her gd using the logic of some postershmm ?
this is a mil issue

needaholidaynow Wed 05-Nov-14 16:43:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 Wed 05-Nov-14 16:43:40

Er, the OP never said she didn't like her step daughter, did she ?????

needaholidaynow Wed 05-Nov-14 16:44:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SisterMcKenzie Wed 05-Nov-14 16:45:14

I get the feeling you really don't like your DSD.

Really???hmm

op you really should know you have suck everything up as a SM. You knew what you getting into wink

<pins kick me to OPs back> grin

Boomtownsurprise Wed 05-Nov-14 16:46:10

Bugger all to do with the other mum and everything to do with mil.

You're busy. End of conversation.

Frusso Wed 05-Nov-14 16:48:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

needaholidaynow Wed 05-Nov-14 17:02:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StardustBikini Wed 05-Nov-14 17:15:53

I'd have some fun with your MIL, if I were you needa.

Start referring to yourself as a Wicked stepmum....point out the stereotypical media portrayals of stepmums.....leave copies of children's fairy tale books lying around.....

grin

She'll soon stop expecting you to care for her darling granddaughter, then!

Momagain1 Wed 05-Nov-14 17:21:47

One of the perks of being a kid with more than two parents surely is having more adults to depend on and avoiding being juggled about between paid carers and sitters and friends and relations of parents, or parents of friends. Many steps here seem to see caring for the children as a time clock they are on and off, and the convenience of the adults matter more than the inconvenience of the children. Parenting is seen as something to be done when convenient or previously scheduled.

Do you hope to have any kind of long term good relationship with these children? Because they will remember, as adults, when you couldn't be bothered. Maybe not this instance if they are young, but if this is how you see your role, I am sure similar will happen in future.

Flame away. I know I am in a minority on this.

needaholidaynow Wed 05-Nov-14 17:26:27

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StardustBikini Wed 05-Nov-14 17:33:46

One of the perks of being a kid with more than two parents surely is having more adults to depend on and avoiding being juggled about between paid carers and sitters and friends and relations of parents, or parents of friends.

Have you been a stepchild, momagain?

If so, I'm sure many others would envy your relationship with your stepmum.

The comments made in this board make it clear that few stepchildren see their step-parents as "a perk" or even "additional parents", their emotions towards stepparents are, at best conflicted and at worst, openly hostile.

It is not the utopia you suggest by any means.

Zamboni Wed 05-Nov-14 17:33:56

You have no obligation to say yes and change your plans. Obviously it is nice if you do help out when you can but there is no requirement for you to do so.

And as for those posters saying you obviously don't like your DSD - eh? Where has the OP said that?

I like my DSD very much but do not provide unpaid childcare if it is inconvenient. I do help out when I can and want to. Same as any other involved adult family member who isn't a parent. Neither DH, not DSD's DM, nor anyone else in the extended family would dream of insisting if I said I couldn't.

purpleroses Wed 05-Nov-14 17:37:40

Is DSD due to be at yours later on the Friday anyway (eg for the weekend)? If so I can see why her mum asked you first, because it would be less disruptive for DSD just to go early to the home she's going to anyway. It's MIL who's out of order in putting pressure on you when she's already been told you can't do it.

You're right that as a step parent it's not your duty to be available to help care for your DSC, but I think it's always best if you don't want to to give a good reason why not - visiting your mum sounds good to me, but you might need to emphasise that it's an important commitment you can't reschedule if DSD's mum might not see it that way.

BumblersBee Wed 05-Nov-14 17:39:18

Many steps here seem to see caring for the children as a time clock they are on and off, and the convenience of the adults matter more than the inconvenience of the children.

I disagree. It's between the parents to sort out the childcare. They shouldn't automatically assume that their partner will look after their chid when asked because they're a partner.

I'm sure if Needa didn't have plans then she would be fine with childcare. But she does. Why should she have to rearrange plans when they've already been set out.

I can think of many separated parents (and I've seen a few on MN) who leave threads about their ex's being twats because they've cancelled having the children because of something cropping up. Fair enough, they have a point if it's the parent of the child and everything's been arranged. But in this situation Need is not the parent of the child and there wasn't anything arranged previously where she'd agreed to have DSD. She has plans. It's down to the actual parents to come to some sort of arrangement with their daughter. It's not fair to expect somebody to cancel already made plans for somebody else's convenience.

needaholidaynow Wed 05-Nov-14 17:51:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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