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At my wits end...

(34 Posts)
alwaystryingtobeafriend Sat 01-Nov-14 09:25:22

DSD (10) is being a total nightmare and I really dunno how much more I can take.

I know its normal (pre) teen behaviour but the way she speaks o me and her dad is shocking. You ask her to do something and your met wih cheek and back chat.

Recently i felt dp wasnt spending enough time woth her as he spebds alot of time wirh her brother. So i had suggested he take her somewhere this weekend. so we told her and it was dependant on behaviour etc. I know he will prob still take her but i dont think she deserves it.

Im getting to the stage where or weekends with the kids are making me miserable.

I feel like i am constantly moaning about something because the kids havent done this or that. Or they cant find stuff or the need me to wipe their arses (slight exaggeration) for them.

Said to dp i was going to start going to my mums the weekends we have the kids and he was not impressed.

I know i am highly strung but any advice how to handle this would be great (although if i hear detachmrnt i might flip)


KatieKaye Sat 01-Nov-14 09:32:03

It would help if we knew a little bit more about the situation.
Does your DP actually parent his DC?
When the DSC are over do you do things together or does he go off with DSS and leave you with DSD?
Does he acknowledge his DSD is being rude and what does he do about it? Or does he brush it off and take the course of least resistance?

BTW - it's not "normal" for 10 year olds to be a "total nightmare". It's not unusual, but it's not the norm either if this is her usual behaviour rather than occasionally happening.

Oh - and if you want to go out when the DSC are staying over, then of course you can!

Petal02 Sat 01-Nov-14 09:42:26

What's the pattern of access, is it alternate weekends?

alwaystryingtobeafriend Sat 01-Nov-14 10:19:50

We have the kids eow and 2 nights thru the week.

I feel like he has been doing more with his ds ie footbal training twice a week games on a saturday and then he plays games or xbox watch movies etc. But dsd is either left with me or dragged along.

Wr havr a dog so limited to what we can do but we go walks/ bike rides/ and when we have money we go to different places.

Its just all met with attitude.
We try to do do nice things and make nice meals etc its just all cheek we get all the time.

She has an answer fir everything. Problem is we think she gets away with it at her mums. As when dp speak to her she jusy brushes it off and says its down to het growin gup theres nothing she can do. i get the impression mum is a bit disney.i dont speak to her ever.

Dp doesnt have an issue with me going out just taking the option to stay at my mums the weekends we have the kids. He says its not resolving anything.

I do what i can when i can to give kids what i can and i try to nor get annoyed at stupid stuff but its so hard when thry are being so difficult. Its more dsd than dss bit he has his moments too.

Finola1step Sat 01-Nov-14 10:26:12

I think you have hit the nail on the head. Your DSD wants and needs to spend time with her Dad where she is the priority and has got his attention. Not DSS, not football or computer games - just her.

And FWIW I believe that all children in all families need a little bit on one to one time with each parent. Even if its once on a blue moon.

So yes, your dh needs to do more with his dd on their own.

bobs123 Sat 01-Nov-14 10:31:21

I agree with Finola1step Also, whatever her behaviour at her mum's, you and your DP together need to make clear what behaviour will not be tolerated when at your house. You need above all to be consistent in this and eventually (?) she will come to respect this.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Sat 01-Nov-14 10:41:34

I hope so guys because i dont know how much more i can take its driving me bonkers.


wheresthelight Sat 01-Nov-14 14:35:04

definitely sounds like she is missing 121 time with her dad but that is no excuse for treating you like shit.

have you tried speaking to her about the shitty attitude and where it's coming from?

KatieKaye Sat 01-Nov-14 15:47:28

Your DP hasn't noticed that he never does anything with his DD? Or thought about how this might make her feel?
He sounds pretty clueless. It's also not fair to you.

He needs to step up and start being a parent to both of his children. And that means putting into place rules and acceptable standards of behaviour as well as taking them out places and doing things with them.

MeridianB Sat 01-Nov-14 17:10:27

I also agree with Finola. She is being dragged around and made to fit in with her brother which probably makes her feel 'what's the point?'

When he was married was it the norm for your DP and his son to do the football/xbox thing together at weekends while DSD did 'girly' stuff with her mum? If so, it sounds like he has transferred this pattern to his new life but completely overlooked the fact that his daughter is there to see him eow and so things have to change.

Might be worth having a chat with your DP again and really try to get him to see the time from her perspective and what she needs from it/him then think about how it could be changed/improved for her so that there was more balance and some 1:1 with both children. Hopefully the better behaviour will follow.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Sun 02-Nov-14 10:42:00

When he was married and first seperated people would tell him he favoured dsd over his dss and i think he maybe did because dsd was more interested in what he liked doing but now all the attention is on dss and i think she feels left out which is fair enough. But dp promised her he would do something just the 2 of them (depending on her behaviour) but this weekend has been awful. so he isnt doing anything now.

The whole weekend has really got me down as dsd has been so cheeky to me and back chatting everything but dp doesnt say anything so i end up telling her to cut it out and moaning at her. Then dp tells me off for being too hard on her. But i just cant win. if i dont say anything she can get away with being a cheeky we brat if i do say anythibg im the bad guy.

I know all the arguments etc are going to go back to her mum then she will call dp ask what the hell im playing at shouting at her precious child. He will just say well what else can we do shes was being cheeky blah blah. It will go round in circles for ages then she will tell dp he is putting me before them (which he never does).

The arguement will be totally void and pointless.

I really fwel like a guest in my own home when the kids are here and dp says im not the same as i used to be. (Well get your children to treat me with respect and they will get it back and everyone will be happy) i can go back to being fun and happy and the good guy who wants to spend time and money on the kids.

MeridianB Sun 02-Nov-14 12:44:37

Sounds like heavy weather for you, OP.

Are you close enough to DSD to go out for tea and cake, just the two of you and have a chat about how she is feeling? She might open up if she feels heard. And that might at least take you out of the firing line and help progress things.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Sun 02-Nov-14 13:20:55

Its a good idea but right now i just dont want to do anything with her. Im fed up with her. And its a horrible feeling. I feel so down about how i feel. Xx

MeridianB Sun 02-Nov-14 17:35:49

Not at all...I know that feeling.

WineWineWine Sun 02-Nov-14 17:55:30

She needs to spend time with her dad and that not be dependant on her behaviour.
You wouldn't not feed a child because of their behaviour, and attention is as big a need as food. She needs to know that he wants to spend time with her because he loves her, not just when she is good.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Sun 02-Nov-14 20:24:31

I understand wine but its so hard just now. It would feel like rewarding her for being bad. We know she needs his time and attention but what can we do. She just cheeky all the time. Its hard to want to spend time with her when she is being like this. Its just a really hard time just now. Xx

Haffdonga Sun 02-Nov-14 20:51:32

Poor you. You sound quite depressed. sad

I agree it sounds like a mistake making the time with her dad dependent on her 'good' behaviour. That sets it all up for failure. ( My dad doesn't spend time with me so he probably doesn't care about me. I'll be rude to see if he pays me attention or to show him that I don't care. He's cancelled the time he promised so he really doesn't care. I'll be more rude ... etc) And so it goes on, with everyone getting unhappier.

I wonder what your expectations are of normal ten year old behaviour. You say she gives cheek and back chat. I'm genuinely wondering what this actually involves. Does she swear, shout or directly insult you/ your dh or is it more the pre-teen line of tutting, sighing, fgs and 'whatever' s? I ask because I guess it would be appropriate to deal with the former behaviour more directly and the latter is best ignored.

How clearly have you and your dh agreed what the boundaries of acceptable/ not acceptable are and how you will deal with them together?

WineWineWine Sun 02-Nov-14 20:54:12

You aren't rewarding her for being bad, you are meeting her basic needs.
Would you stop feeding her if she was rude?

This is what she needs in order to learn how to behave and feel valued and loved.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Mon 03-Nov-14 06:56:21

I think its a bit daft saying 'would you stop feeding her if she was rude' because of coirse we wouldnt.

But its swings and round abouts. I dont want to spend time with someone who is cheeky and rude constantly and neither does dp. And she is not interested in spending time unless we are spending money on her.

The backchat and cheek consists of a mix of everything. We get shouted at for asking her to do something. She acts like a smart ass in front of people trying to dig out her dad and make him look bad. Just feels like everytging is met with constant negativity cheek and answering back.

When she starts whatevers etc i just ignore her. Well to be honest im starting to just not speak to her unless she speaks to me. But its not how it should be.

there is so many times dp says he wants to spend time what would she like to do and what can he do to make it more fun for her to be here. She never says but if you suggest something thats spending money she is right in there and im sorry if she is being bad she doesnt deserve having that kind of money spent as we dont really have it.

Its startin g to drive a wedge between me and dp as i cant really tell him how i feel without sounding like a total bitch towards his daughter. I actually really like her when she is not being how she is. Shes quite cool and can be good fun but its like she has morphed into a little witch.

Romeyroo Mon 03-Nov-14 07:15:34

So, who pays for the football training? Surely that costs money. I have a DD about that age, and I know that if I spent all my money and attention on her brother, it would not bring out the best in her.

My DD has two (half) sisters at her dad's, she is the oldest (around your dd's age) and she enjoys being with them. But give her the choice between being dropped at the house or her dad's work, she will choose her dad's work, not because she doesn't want to go to the house, but because she likes helping her dad finish up and taking the train home with him. They don't have money for going out much either, and it is family life at home, so that is the one to one time they do have.

DD also likes me doing her nails (if you have a file and varnish, this won't cost anything), baking (if you have the ingredients, ditto), crafts (there may be some outlay there, but maybe worth going to a hobby shop and seeing what she might like).

I think you are in a very negative cycle. Your dp sounds like he is avoiding the issue by spending his efforts on ds, and then blaming dd's behaviour for this and also failing to parent effectively. You are pissed off with both of them. You can try (and fail) to change their relationship, or you can change your behaviour by trying to invest some time in DSD and breaking the moaning cycle. If that doesn't work, then reassess your options

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 03-Nov-14 07:27:47

You need to tell him to work out how he is going to engage his daughter. Regardless of behaviour...he needs to sort it, not you.

WineWineWine Mon 03-Nov-14 08:30:56

It's not daft at all. Food and attention are both basic needs, yet you feel she has to deserve attention.
Her behaviour is so poor, BECAUSE she doesn't get enough attention and plays second place to her brother, so she attention seeks. She doesn't get the attention for being herself, but she does when she is cheeky & rude. She's a child and is trying to work out where she stands in the family. Does anyone really love her? Do they love her as much as her brother? Why does he get so much more from his dad?
This isn't her fault. Her dad needs to sort it out by repairing and rebuilding his relationship with his daughter, and you need to see beyond her behaviour to the very insecure little girl who doesn't know what she has to do to get time, love and attention from her dad.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Mon 03-Nov-14 13:01:24

I know what she needs but i can understand why dp is reluctant to spend time with her. Shes not a pleasant wee girl just now so it makes it difficult.

We need to try and break the negative cycle somehow.

Its such a tough time for her and a tough age too.

I completely understand why she is acting like this because like you say she needs the attention and love and made feel wanted from her dad (and me) .

Have spoken to dp and i suggested that i take her out shoppi g for her new coat and spend the day doing girly stuff. see if it changes her attirude a wee bit. Ita not me she need to feel loved from its dp. But maybe by me spendibg time with her will help her change her attitude towards dp. Then he will make the effort to spend the time with her.

I know it shouldnt matter her attitude she still needs love and attention and i know dp has it all wrong how he deals with it but its how he is and i think (hope) this can gelp in fixing it. xx

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 03-Nov-14 13:13:16

The only way she will change her attitude to her dad is by her dad spending time with her!

Cabrinha Mon 03-Nov-14 13:38:41

Girly stuff like shopping? God help me.
That aside...
You spending time with her will not fix this.
Him stopping being a crap dad might.
I laughed at the idea of the mum being a Disney parent.
There are 3 adults who can't come up with anything better than a shopping trip!

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