Amendments to court order(6 Posts)
I have posted this in legal but posting here also for different points of view
Background: Me and ex split nearly 4 years ago. We have two children who are now aged 5 and 8. The divorce has been very acrimonious. We spent hours in mediation trying to thrash out both contact and money issues. Unfortunately there is no reasoning with my ex and he has made massive sweeping statements about me e.g. all I care about is the money, all he cares about is the kids and seems unable to empathise with anyone else's point of view. Mediation was incredibly stressful.
So two years ago he took me to court to try and get 50:50 joint residence. He had no case as he had used his statement to try and assassinate my character rather than put forward any case for them living with him half the time so he lost but a contact order was written up.
Unfortunately, this contact order is rather flimsy and my ex takes advantage of this. Since the court order was drawn up my ex seems to think this gives him the right to dictate holiday dates (order is for half the holidays at Christmas and Summer) and whenever I try and negotiate he threatens me with either his solicitor or taking me back to courts.
Our current battle is over Christmas. The court order states that the last few days of the holidays should be spent with me - he is trying to claim that this only applies to the summer holidays. We also clashed over an INSET day next week - he was given first refusal as per court order - he didn't reply, I said I'd made alternative arrangements, cue the threats of court.
This sort of thing seems to be happening more and more regularly and is causing me a lot of stress and is becoming hard to keep from the children.
I am starting to feel the only way round this is to take things back to court to get the court order fairly watertight so that misunderstandings/taking advantage of the flimsy wording can't happen.
If I do take it back to court, I will be looking to do it without a solicitor (though I may try and get some legal advice) due to costs. Anybody had any similar experience. Where do I start? And is it worth doing?
Just a couple of observations from me
- if your ex threatens to take you back to court, he will have to pay the cost of bringing the 'case' to court so fine, let him 'push on that open door' as I mentioned in my previous post, the courts take a dim view of people like him clogging up their court room with non-issues that they expect the DPs to be able to negotiate. So he needs to be crystal clear why he wants to take an issue back to court and maybe it will stop him in his tracks!
- if you have any sort of court order then that should be a good starting point and going back to make it more detailed probably isn't worth the stress expense and hassle. Iow you probably won't get much more then you already have.
I know this from personal experience from my DPs ex who just got more angry embittered and determined to stick the knife in ..../contd
.../contd. sorry I keep losing posts on my iPad!
Anyway I would suggest you try to play the long game. Generalising a bit here but try not to see every discussion as a battle to win. You unfortunately can't control their attitude, so sometimes you may need to let go a bit
My DP after many hours of him and I discussing it decided not to let Christmas become a battleground (which his ex would have wanted it to be, to get back at him for getting 50:50 residency) He said to his DS, enjoy Christmas with your DM and we can always celebrate Christmas from 28 Dec instead. It then became a non issue from when DS was 9yo and he didn't have to worry about the fall out of his DM having a go at him (which she would have done). It is different for each family I know. You sound like lovely family unit, if possible focus on that and let your ex sweat the small stuff if he wants. I know I'm probably over simplifying the situation, but when I look back at all the years of what we went through, now that DSS is 17, we just about managed to avoid WW3 by making difficult choices, that paid off in the long run. Don't get too despondent, I know it feels like it's taking over your life sometimes! X
I have almost been hoping that he will just get on with it and take me back to court just so we can get it over and done with and he can show himself up. I have backed down on many things and I often try to get the opinions of a range of people before making decisions, sending letters to his solicitor etc I have a friend who used to be a family solicitor who always advises me to try and keep things out of court. Friends from divorced families are also always great for giving perspective.
Most of the time I manage to block my ex out of my life. During term time I am too busy to give him a second thought. But he can really get to me sometimes and I get fed up of being treated like I'm always doing something wrong. I'm thinking I might still investigate what getting amendments to the court order will involve but will see what Christmas brings before making any decisions.
Everything you have done sounds ultimately reasonable. Sorry it's so frustrating, but great that your life is full and busy as it certainly helps to push all the crap into the background .
Yes definitely do the research into the court, no harm finding out what is involved. Thankfully for my DP his order gave everything as prescriptively as it could be ( although some flexibility gave his ex additional day light with which to play games but hey ho!). See how things go in the run up to Christmas.
Take care for now!
Don't be almost hoping he takes you back to court - tell him to fill his boots.
Let him know that you are sick of the nonsense and threats every time something doesn't go his way - and you now think that yes, going back to court would be an excellent way to make sure things are tightened up. So, he's welcome to do it, and bear the cost. From now on, you won't be bending to placate his nonsense, you'll simply act in the way you think is best for the children, and if he doesn't like it - bring it on.
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