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never met my partners son

(42 Posts)
chubbylover78 Tue 02-Sep-14 19:38:56

I've been with my partner for 6 and a half years and I've never met his son. We're planning on marrying but I can't get past the fact that I will have a stepson I've never met. My partners mum has very little to do with my partner since I met him and she's constantly running around for his ex and is even planning to live near her (to be closer to work apparently) my partner is angry and upset that his mum has regular contact and conversations with his the brothers and ex but not him. He sees his son but it's always at his ex's and on her terms and im not allowed anywhere near his son. I feel angry that he doesn't do more for himself regarding seeing his son and just does as she says to keep the peace. Could you live that way? I want to may him but the way things are it's not a partnership is a trio.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Whatever21 Tue 02-Sep-14 19:42:26

Are you for real - or have you name changed?

WakeyCakey45 Tue 02-Sep-14 21:12:17

OP - only you can decide if your DP is "doing enough" as a father, and if you feel that he isn't, then whether that is a deal breaker for you.

Different people place different value on "family commitment" and it depends whether you will lose respect for your DP if he continues to "keep the peace" in this way.

Maybe, what you need to find out is what else he could be doing and which of those things it's reasonable (in your opinion) to expect him to do. There are lots of resources on the internet, in libraries and even here in MN giving advice to non-resident parents whose contact with their child is limited. If, when reading them, you find yourself thinking that your DP should be doing these things, then you need to find out why he hasn't? Is he aware of the steps he can take to change things, but has chosen not to, or does he not know what he can do to try and change things? Is he happy with the way things are and wants it left alone, or is he willing to change things in order to secure a future with you?

You may decide, for instance, that in order to demonstrate his commitment to you, it's reasonable to expect him to engage in mediation with his ex. So he can propose a different arrangement for contact. You may also decide that if all his contact with his DCs is dependent on him spending time with his ex, then this isn't the relationship for you.

As long as you are clear about your own boundaries, rather then demand your DP changes what he chooses to do, then you aren't being unreasonable. It is totally within your own power to decide whether you are willing to compromise, and if so, what about - or whether you decide that your DHs choices are deal breakers.

I hope you work it out.

chubbylover78 Wed 03-Sep-14 16:35:12

Never used this site before so unless you know me or have some advice the please don't comment.

chubbylover78 Wed 03-Sep-14 16:37:58

Thanks wakeycakey45. He tried meditation when they first split up but again it was all to please his ex. She did say after 6 months we could meet but that was obviously years ago. She even had me investigated apperently but never heard anything about it.

NeedsAsockamnesty Wed 03-Sep-14 18:45:24

What are his feelings on the matter?

Mouldypineapple Wed 03-Sep-14 18:47:36

How old is is son?

WakeyCakey45 Wed 03-Sep-14 19:01:34

I'm not sure it matters as much what the OPs DP feels about it as it does how the OP feels about his actions.

If the OP is angry that her DP doesn't do more (as opposed to how he feels), them no matter whether other people think he's done everything he can or not, it's the OP that is living with it.

OP, My advise is to consider very carefully the importance this plays in your feelings towards your DP. If your respect for your DP is being eroded because he's not being the father you think he should be, then that creates very unstable foundations for a marriage.

It's not unreasonable for either of you to say that his level and nature of commitment to his son is a non-negotiable in your relationship - but if those expectations are very different, then it creates an incompatibility in your relationship.

Personally, I'd struggle with a situation in which my DH refused to consider involving me in his DCs lives, but I am now in exactly that situation. The difference is, i feel that he did everything he could and therefore, my respect for him has not been eroded. Only you know if this is a deal breaker for you - no one else knows how you feel.

chubbylover78 Wed 03-Sep-14 19:02:04

His son is eight, he wants to see him more and with a bit more freedom. His son said he wanted to meet me but suddenly changed his mind and when asked why he said because mummy doesn't want me to. We can't afford to go to court and mediation for him and his ex was a joke. He was seeing his son on a tuesday and thursday evening after work but she stopped it saying it wasn't quality time. She gets her son to lie to my partner and im a believer in not using your children as a weapon, I never have with my son and wouldn't dream of it.

chubbylover78 Wed 03-Sep-14 19:09:45

We live 150miles away from his son so he sees him as much as he can and calls him every week. I just feel it would be beneficial to his son to be more of a father on his visits rather than a babysitter because his ex wants to go shopping when he visits and he must do as she says. She would lie through her teeth in court to get what she want just as she did this with her solicitor in the beginning. I don't want to be my partners mother, he has one and im not trying to replace anyone either but it would help my partner in making his visits more relaxed and enjoyable rather than him dreading it like he does now.

WakeyCakey45 Wed 03-Sep-14 19:22:00

I know what you mean about affording court, even if you represent yourself, the £200 court fee can be crippling to a household on low income.

What else do you think he could be doing? I imagine it's very hurtful being excluded from his DCs life on the say so of his ex - is he prepared to discuss how it makes you feel and the options you'd like to see him try?

chubbylover78 Wed 03-Sep-14 19:34:36

He keeps changing his mind. One minute he's had an argument with her and he will see a solicitor but then a couple of days later she's all nicey nicey like nothings happened. He's tried to talk to his mum but she says she's not taking sides but we both know that's not true. He says he will ask if I can see his son with him (he's asked a few times)but she says he's too young. You think after all these years she gets the message that we're serious. His mum visited us last December for the first time (I'd not seen her since her mums funeral in 2010) and my partner mentioned it but again she doesn't want to know I just wish he could talk to her about it as it would help him alot as he was always close to his mum but since meeting me he's had no contact with two of his brothers and his mum texts him a couple of times a year.

WakeyCakey45 Wed 03-Sep-14 19:45:26

It sounds like his lack of action is a real issue for you - although his options are limited.

He doesn't need to see a solicitor though - if you can scrape together enough money for the court fee, he can represent himself through the process - it's more or less the norm since Legal Aid was stopped.
But of course, he needs to be committed to the process - if he's generally prepared to accept the level of contact he currently has, then he's not going to be motivated.

Maybe it's time for you to take a good look at what your future is going to be if you marry him; his family may never accept you, his DS may never be willing to meet you - could you live with that? Could he?

chubbylover78 Wed 03-Sep-14 19:51:54

He has parental responsibility and has said when he sees his son he will take me, and he's within his rights to do so but his ex will just say he can't see his son which isn't fair on his son getting his hopes up for nothing. It's been driving me mad for years but he doesn't realise what it's doing to me knowing I'm a reason for the way his ex is as she wouldn't be doing this if he was single. Because he's spent so long doing as his ex asks he can't do anything else. He just hopes when his son is old enough he will say something to his mum about that lack of freedom his dad's had with him.

WakeyCakey45 Wed 03-Sep-14 19:59:22

Sadly, what his ex thinks of you is something neither you, or he, can control. Yes, I'm sure his ex would be more cooperative if he was single - probably because he'd be even more compliant to her wishes than he is at the moment!

All he can do is what he thinks is best for his DS, and all you can do is decide if you can live with that. Counselling helped me come to terms with the impact I have had on DHs relationship with his DCs - perhaps that's something you could try?
There will be a world of difference in how you feel about yourself depending on how your DP acknowledges the situation - if he blames you, and compares how life would be if you weren't there, then you are bound to feel bad. He could help you come to terms with your role in the situation if he reassured you that he is choosing to be with you and that this is not your fault.

Letthemtalk Wed 03-Sep-14 20:00:34

My dB is in a similar situation with his son and his ex. All contact is on her terms, when she found out he was seeing someone else and that my nephew had meet her, she insisted on supervised visits of half an hour. She tried to get dB to sign something to say he wouldn't let nephew meet new partner for 6 months, after which time she would review things.... This was only about a month ago. She's now decided that dB should have d nephew for 15 nights a month. Finally dB is wising up to her and it taking her to court to formalise contact.

Anyway, the point is that if your dp is going along with his ex's demands then he has no one to blame but himself. He needs to fight harder for his son. And when his son is older he'll wonder why his dad didn't try harder.

chubbylover78 Wed 03-Sep-14 20:10:41

He's never blamed me for anything I just blame myself, which doesn't help.
If we try and talk he just says"what do you want me to do? Never see him? " and that's the last thing I want.
When my marriage ended I swore I would never stop my ex seeing our son and I never have. My son has met all the girlfriends his dad has had and I've never said anything about it, as he's his dad and it's his choice if he wants his son to meet his partner. We both share parental responsibility for our son and he should belive what he is doing is for the best. Is not my place to criticise as I did the same when I met someone I felt the relationship I was in would last.
counseling could work or mediation but then his mum and ex woukd need to be there as they are part of the problem too and neither would agree.
It's making life difficult and my health is suffering I don't feel like it's a loving relationship anymore it's just convenient.

chubbylover78 Wed 03-Sep-14 20:17:04

I've told him his son won't Thank him for not trying and his ex has told his son a pack of less about his dad but it's not worked trying to turn him against hus dad but his son does lie to his dad about things. His son went o holiday a couple of weeks ago and he told his dad he was going camping. When he spoke to his son last week his son said he went on holiday with his nan (my partners mum) and mum not camping but to visit my partners family on the isle of Wight. So who told him to lie, his ex or his mum? It just infuriates me that they can do that.

WakeyCakey45 Wed 03-Sep-14 20:21:06

Oh, dear, it really does sound as if you have both got caught in a downward spiral.

He's not helping you by becoming defensive when you try and explain how you feel - maybe tell him that your not telling him because you want him to change anything, but because you'd like him to understand that it's hard for you, too?

Personal Counselling won't change the situation, but it can radically change how you are reacting to it. Instead of blaming yourself, you can learn techniques to detach, so it doesn't bother you and affect your health.

But, life is too short to be a convenience to someone else. Everyone has the right to be happy, and if your current relationship isn't bringing you happiness, then maybe it's time to focus attention on whether there is a future for you together.

Whatever21 Wed 03-Sep-14 23:30:41

chubby - your situation sounds too similar to mine, except DCS have met his new DP.

Firstly, when he goes to see his DS at her home, What are you expecting Mum to do. Mine comes 70 miles and yes contact is usually for a few hours after school- in the house when it is wet, or doing some sport, biking etc. I make myself scarce - go shopping, gym etc. Not necessarily what I want to do with my time - but I leave to give him space with his DCs and to parent them.

If contact is in her house - then, sorry I am on the Mum's side - I would not have new DP in the house ( she was the OW and a friend, it clouds everything for me)

In my case my mil has been a god send, in terms of support and just being there for me to talk about the DCS. Ex wants her to stop talking to me and accuses his mother who has met ne w DP on a number of occasions of preferring me. Hell we have known each other for 18 yrs - they both need to work on building a relationship, it def was not easy for me with mil at the beginning but we all get the impression, he wants what I have with his Mum for his new DP but without the effort - and mil and I have had some mega arguments in the past and still disagree!!

I think wakey has it right - your DP needs to grow some, sort out regular contact and make steps with hsi family. They may not like the situation but small steps to sorting things out can make a difference. FRom what you say, he needs to make more effort, for both of you and his poor DS

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 04-Sep-14 00:48:45

The reason why I asked his feelings on the matter was because I do think they matter, not because I think they are of any more importance but because his feelings may well help her work out her own and a future plan.

For example if it appeared he was happy as things are she may want to consider their future as a couple if her feelings about the matter are very different.

chubbylover78 Thu 04-Sep-14 07:32:17

My feelings matter to me but everyone has a different way of raising their children. I've never had a problem with my son meeting his dads girlfriends etc because although our marriage broke down for whetever reason I'm still his mum regardless of who his dad dates and im not so insecure that his girlfriends worry me about taking over my roll.

If a relationship ends and there are children involved then it's the responsibility of both parents to do the right thing.
If my partners ex met someone she would let him meet their son which is the same as me meeting him. Just because my partner isn't the resident parent doesn't mean his roll is less important.
My partners ex is still bitter and thats no excuse in ruining your childs life by controlling every step of their contact with their father and getting them to lie. My partner doesn't care less what his ex does so why is she so bothered about him?
If she cared about her son she wouldn't restrict his contact with his dad because he won't Thank her when he's older.

NeedsAsockamnesty Thu 04-Sep-14 13:25:37

What reasons does she give for restricting it?

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore Thu 04-Sep-14 13:43:34

If I might throw something into the mix to consider.

My stbx got engaged (she ended up breaking up with him, but that's neither here nor there) after we got separated. He had supervised contact with our dcs as he was abusive (which was why we separated). He told EVERYONE that it was an amicable split and that we just didn't get along anymore. But it was because he was physically and verbally abusive to the dcs (and me).

His "fiance" was fully prepared to marry him having never met my dcs. He was telling everyone that I was not allowing him to see the dcs, that I was being uncooperative, that I was jealous of his fiance and that's why he couldn't see the dcs. Except I didn't even KNOW about her yet when he was saying that. And while I was disgusted at his behaviour, I wasn't about to let him have unsupervised contact when he was abusive to the dcs.

I had a good relationship with stbx-MIL, which stbx hated. He demanded I stop talking to her and stop taking the dcs over to see her, as he felt it was wasn't right for me to be friends with her when we were getting a divorce. I was apparently "taking the place" that his new fiance should have. hmm MIL of course wanted to see me and the dcs.

Anyone that was friends with stbx would have much the same views of my behaviour that you have of your OH. That I was being uncooperative, limiting his time with the children, pushing into the relationship with MIL. But actually things were much different than what HE was telling them. None of them knew about the abuse, the manipulation, the demands...

Are you sure he's telling you the absolute truth? If you are, then fine, I guess you and you OH have things to discuss about how you want to progress. But just wanting to point out that many people on these boards have experience of people that have lied long term and gotten away with it for years....

chubbylover78 Thu 04-Sep-14 14:10:00

Don't know what lies he would be telling me. I've known him for years and I've been there when he's asked his ex about me meeting his son and I've seen her at his nans funeral. She accused me of abandoning my son, wanted to know why my marriage broke up and did a full crb check of me years ago when I was working for social services and is still not happy. She's plainly jealous of our relationship and knows that lying through her teeth to his mum and family works. She sees me as a threat which is ridiculous.

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