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Gutted, again, it's not the dsc it's him...!

(6 Posts)
shey03 Sun 31-Aug-14 23:27:52

What do you do when you feel that no matter how much you support, how much you don't complain or critisise, how much you detach and try not to take it personally, somehow you still always get the blame?

I'm a different person than I was a year ago, the fact that dp's dc hate me upset me so much. I've never been hated in my life, I couldn't handle it... Of course we had arguments, it was hell. So I read the books, I took the advice, I vent here safely if I need to and basically I changed and it really did help.

However AIBU having reached a good place emotionally with all this negativity (which is not my doing), to expect my dp to also grow and start supporting me and our relationship. Does he realise what I've been through, does he care, will he ever change for the better of us, like I have? I've learnt not to complain, not to critisise, but if I feel slightly meh, when his kids ignore my greetings and smiles and how are you's... is it always going to be my fault? Will it ever be 'god, sorry the kids don't greet you, so rude, I'll have a word'. That small sentence from him would take away the negativity from the dsc in an instant... Will it always be 'what's wrong with you, why are you /quiet/distant/angry at me/them?'

Will he ever in front of his kids grab me and kiss me like he does when we're with my kids, or will it always be an apologetic hand hold or peck on the cheek...?

Will he ever after a weekend apart (because his dc don't really want to spend time with us) say 'god, I missed you'. Does he realise when he says, 'we had a great time, absolutely fab' that that hurts me to know it was so fab because we we'ren't around and clearly not even missed.

Feel so slow tonight and maybe I'm kidding myself, feel like I'm carrying this relationship and that he has exactly what he wants when he wants it.

olgaga Mon 01-Sep-14 00:41:08

Didn't want to leave you without a reply. You have advised others in the past about not waiting forever for things to improve!

Always remember you do have a choice - something his children don't have.

shey03 Mon 01-Sep-14 08:08:20

I know, it seems so clear when other people tell you a story about their life. I really thought things had changed, when actually it seems just I have. Don't know how to get through to this man. sad

Kaluki Mon 01-Sep-14 08:09:33

Have you told him how you feel?
It's all very well detaching for your own sanity but he should be made aware that you aren't happy. Why should you go through all this just to make him happy while he rubs your nose in it?
What is it with these men - selfish so and sos!!!!

Nofoolnomore Thu 04-Sep-14 18:09:32

Hello, I SO sympathise!

My situation is not as extreme as yours. It is SO hurtful when they are having a fab time without you being included and your partner is being extremely insensitive letting you know about it!

I was very blunt with my boyfriend about how the situation made me feel. Luckily he seems to be taking notice and time will tell if his promises materialise into action.

Does he know how you feel? I mean, really know/understand?

Unless he chooses to change, there isn't much you can do. Put up or shut up (sorry to be blunt). BUT, as it's effecting you so much, I'd question what you are getting out of the relationship and whether it's really worth carrying on.

shey03 Fri 05-Sep-14 09:10:53

Thanks for the replies, another verbal showdown ensued and at least got an apology, so that was something and a promise to try to behave a bit more like my normal boyfriend when his kids are around. hmm

Next time he has other plans with his dc, I too will have other plans with mine and my friends. It's gotta work both ways.

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