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What sort of relationship do you have with your DPs ex?

(37 Posts)
thecandymancan Fri 29-Aug-14 08:16:16

DPs ex has told the kids a few times that she wants to see me. (We've never met or know eachother.) I've told DP I'm fine with this as understand how she might want to know the person her kids spend time with. DP told ex I'd be really happy to go for a coffee but she was incredulous at that "why would I want to go for a coffee with her?".
Now almost every time I see the kids (6&4) they tell me "mummy wants to meet you" / "mummy says she wants to see you" etc. I always say "well that would be nice" and then mention it to DP. I've suggested he give her my phone number and then the ball is in her court as I don't want him "arranging" a meeting between us...

Interested in other stories of how you met the ex and how it went.

In this case I fear it won't be great as she's not over their split and says age inappropriate things to the kids. I don't much care for the sound of her but want to do the right thing by DPs kids.

needaholidaynow Fri 29-Aug-14 08:46:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stepmumnewname Fri 29-Aug-14 09:32:48

Maybe you should start with a quick "hello, I'm Candyman", at drop off or pick up, rather than trying to sit and make conversation with her over coffee for half an hour. I'd find that a bit strained with either DH's ex, or my ex's DW. A more casual approach, just so they know what you look like, then later exchange a few words about what DSC have been up to, etc might be a gentler approach. That's kind of what I've done. I'm not at all close to her, but it's not too awkward either.

I've only once spent more time than that with DH's ex, and that was with DH and her new DP as well, so felt a bit less strained than a one to one would do.

mosaicone Fri 29-Aug-14 09:56:03

yeah I'd do it at drop off time too.

I actually knew his ex before I knew him. she worked behind the bar in the pub my then partner spent his life in went to.

I remember her telling me they'd split up and thinking that was mad. I'd always got on with him as we'd met in different social circles. never occurred to me a few years later we'd end up together.
Anyway that's not what you asked sorry, yes we get on fine. She's bat shit mental, lives for that pub and puts it above everything (her sister's words) - she really appreciates everything I do for the kids, but I resent her hugely for giving no boundaries and giving into tantrums, we've worked very very hard on the issues and come close to splitting up in the early days.

alwaystryingtobeafriend Fri 29-Aug-14 10:37:45

After almost 3 years with dp I have yet to formally or informally meet his ex. She causes endlesss bother for us. I can't be arsed with her anymore. I wanted to meet her happy to say hello etc but she's just acting bitter and twisted. I've accepted that I'll never know her. I used to give her benefit of the doubt etc but now I think she's a selfish moron. xx

TheMumsRush Fri 29-Aug-14 11:29:41

6 years down the line, the little contact we do have is pleasant, she's was nice to my ds and polite to me. Was not always the case, one or two issues (nothing so terrible) but she's never been obstructive, demanding or difficult. We do have each other's number and that's fine by me. She's fine, dsc are fine, it's DH who could do with a bit of work wink

msevs Fri 29-Aug-14 12:56:03

We have never said anything to each other apart from hello. If I have happened to be in the car when DP picks the kids up, she basically ignores me and just talks to DP. I'm not sure if she does it on purpose or because we don't really have anything to say to one another. I have been home with DSD at times when his ex has called the house and DSD has asked her if she wants to speak to me but she clearly always says no.

FlossyMoo Fri 29-Aug-14 13:31:51

I have spent time with DH ex at social occasions regarding DS & in laws.

She is always polite and we get on great. She adores our children ( we have 4). A few years ago told me she is happy I am in the boys life and she knows I love them.

Her & DH have a pleasant but cold relationship. There is a lot of history and both still have resentment for each other however it has never involved the boys or me.

Redshoes7 Fri 29-Aug-14 13:49:16

I've been with DP for three years and still haven't met his ex. She spent the the first two years telling DSC they didn't have to listen to me because I was a stranger and knew nothing about DSC.
DSC would often say 'mum wants to meet you' but from what I can gather it was their innocent way of trying to prove to their mum that I wasn't the horrible person she was trying to portray.
DP has a very bad relationship with his ex so I avoid getting involved so I can't see meeting happens anytime soon.
I would definitely avoid giving her my phone number. All contact should be between your DP and her.

TheMumsRush Fri 29-Aug-14 14:37:41

All contact should be between dp and her

And the vast majority is, but she knows sometimes I'm only own with her kids so why shouldn't she have my number. And sometimes it's just easier for me to give her a quick text if we need to sort something regarding the kids quickly. It's rare but can pop up. I understand that cant work for everyone but it works for us.

TheMumsRush Fri 29-Aug-14 14:38:15

*on my own with her kids

SeaSaltMill Fri 29-Aug-14 14:47:20

She introduced herself when we dropped the kids off once, about a month after I'd met them. She came over to the car, with DSD on her hip (she was 5) and said 'hello, I'm NAME'. Which was a bit rich considering since she'd found out I existed she'd hounded me on facebook and even got my work phone number to call me and threaten me there. I just smiled wanly and turned away. This was after she'd said to DH 'If that slag ever gets pregnant with your kid I will kick it out of her'. I was not the OW.

Now we have very little contact unless I am collecting the DSC / she's dropping them to me. She got my number from one of the kids and sometimes calls me to 'have a word' with one of them, usually if she cant get through to DH. To be honest, DH deals directly with the DSC most of the time (11 and 14, both have mobiles) and he doesn't like having to speak to his ex because they generally end up arguing.

I cant stand her. Mainly for the way she treated DH in the beginning and the way she is with the kids now. I honestly think she is a nasty person and I don't want to be friends with her. I am always civil and friendly to a point, and there have been times when we've been somewhere together, like at a school play etc.

I think if her behaviour had been different in the beginning we could have got on, but she was horrible and I wont forget it.

needaholidaynow Fri 29-Aug-14 15:12:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheresthelight Fri 29-Aug-14 22:23:52

i have tried my utmost to have a friendly with Dp's ex and in the beginning we got on ok. unfortunately she flipped her lid after the mediation solicitor had a go at her about her attitude towards DP and I and since then she has been a complete cow! And this is not me being anti his ex.

I would love us all to get along as it is what is best for the kids. It sounds to me like the kids want you and their mum to get a long and are hoping to engineer a situation for you to meet and be friends. Unfortunately her reaction suggests that isn't ever likely to be the case.

I would simply repeat the phrase "oh that's nice dear" and move on

balia Fri 29-Aug-14 23:38:02

In over a decade, I have encountered Dh's ex in person all of 3 times, and on two of those occasions she has threatened me with violence (in front of DSS the second time, as I tried to keep him calm). At the start of mine and DH's relationship she would phone at all times of the night and scream abuse. She has MH issues, though, so I assume it isn't personal (I wasn't the OW and she doesn't know me, so it can't be, right?)

DSS loves her, she is his mother, he is a fabulous kid and hats off to her, she has raised two kids on her own with all her problems. Sometimes it is hard work but I make myself find common ground and reasons to respect her, even if it is just in my head (IYSWIM)

FastWindow Fri 29-Aug-14 23:50:27

It's difficult, it's a new mum for your kids when you thought you were going to be the only mum. Depends on the age of the kids and the intelligence of all adult parties. Hard to put aside your feelings over the split - could be a hard split or an amicable one - but children always make it a more emotive experience.

That said, I didn't think I would love my stepchildren. But I do.

AlpacaMyBags Sat 30-Aug-14 00:05:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

riverboat1 Sat 30-Aug-14 08:50:27

It sounds odd that she supposedly repeatedly says to the kids she wants to meet you then acts incredulous when DP suggests setting something up. I wonder if the DSC are somehow misreporting or misinterpreting comments to them?

I get on really well with DP's ex. Last night DP and I were at a friend's party that his ex and her DH were also at. We spent most of the time chatting together as a 4 since we hadnt all seen each other for a couple of months. The ex and I had a lovely time comparing experiences with DP's slightly trying dad, we had quite the giggle.

I realise I am very lucky compared to most on this board. DP and his ex are both easygoing, non-bitter people who have remained friends , making it easy for me (and her DH) to slot into that.

wheresthelight Sat 30-Aug-14 10:16:25

riverboat that is brilliant and to be honest is how it ought to be!

I know there cam be fault om both sides, I have seen in RL were friends who are also step parents go out of their way to aggravate and inflame situations with the other parent and as this board shows there are a great many ex's who do the same

just pisses me off that everyone can't just act like the adults they are meant to be and get along for the kids sake if nothing else

Philoslothy Sat 30-Aug-14 10:21:32

We get on very well and we see ourselves as an extended family. She often comes over for dinner, we have been on holiday together and have spent Christmas together.

WestEast Sat 30-Aug-14 10:45:56

We're quite friendly. We met at pick up/drop offs. We have a brew at drop offs sometimes. But DP and ExW have a good relationship. Which helps massively.

wifeandstepmum Mon 01-Sep-14 08:50:32

I've never formally or informally met DH's ex. She's a nightmare and they have massive communication issues. I would not give her my phone number although she could find me through work if needed. She uses every little bit of info about me against us (I work, she doesn't ergo we have to pay for everything and have an easy life etc) so the less she knows the better for all of our sanity. A curious bit if me wants to meet her and to talk things through with her. But, I figure anything shared in that meeting, at some point could be somehow used against me. At pick up and drop off I am generally not allowed to be there. If I am there I must stay in the car, window up and not speak. Bloody hate all this stuff - how does life end up this way?!

Whatever21 Mon 01-Sep-14 18:21:55

Because invariably one side ( not saying which) from the original relationship - did something which hurt the other side badly.

One still hurts and the other feels bad for their actions.

Eliza22 Mon 01-Sep-14 18:43:32

I'm friendly but only in a dropping off/collecting way. Sometimes, have a cuppa. I always include her when talking to ds about his dad weekend "how was SM? Did she go/like it/whatever". I've had the odd run in when I've felt the need but, we get along.

My (new) DH's Ex ignores me. We live but 5 mins from each other. She has nothing but disdain for me and I was not the OW. We will never be able to sit in the same room together (graduations/weddings/christening).

SugarSkully Mon 01-Sep-14 21:10:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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