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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Annoyed that DSC are always put first to our detriment

204 replies

TractorTam · 25/07/2014 23:45

DH had his contact hearing last week. He's agreed to collect my DSC eow from school, which is an hour away. Therefore, he'll have the car and so every other Friday I'll have to walk the 2.5 mile each way trip to pick up my DD from school complete with toddler who hates pushchairs but also can't walk far and newborn who'll probably require feeding a couple of times on the journey therefore making it extremely long and difficult for all involved, particularly in winter.

He's also agreed that he'll take DSC to any parties they want to go to, meaning extortionate amounts of money spent on petrol to travel back and forth to their home town and that I'm effectively left with our DC the entire weekend, without a car which is restricting as we're rural and he works the other weekend so it means he parents our DC very little.

We have a weekend away booked in October just before the new baby is born and were planning on travelling Fri morning and returning Sunday afternoon, DSC had a place booked just in case it could get agreed in contact order. He agreed to collect them at 5 on the Friday evening and have their mum collect them at 7 on the Sunday evening from the destination which is 2 hours from us. Therefore we've lost an entire day on the Friday and our DC are likely to fall asleep on the journey home on Sunday which will be disruptive for school.

I just feel like the DC and I have to constantly fit around the DSC to our detriment and am fed up of feeling like I'm the only one responsible for thinking of what's best for our DC as he just thinks of what's best for him and his. Am I being unfair here?

OP posts:

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Tappergirl · 26/07/2014 00:23

That is wrong on all accounts! Besides the emotional turmoil, could you afford a little run around car? That would change so many of the dynamics you are facing.

Namechangearoonie123 · 26/07/2014 00:35

I don't see a problem. He sees them every other weekend for 2 days , meaning the other 12 are with you and the other children.

Get your own car?

lunar1 · 26/07/2014 03:58

When and how have you suggested he sees them?

Ledkr · 26/07/2014 04:12

Why would your baby need feeding twice on a school run?
I'm not sure what you exile red when you married a man with existing dc, when would it be convenient for him to see them?

Ledkr · 26/07/2014 04:13

Sorry expected, I meant to type

RitaConnors · 26/07/2014 04:28

Yabu. We only have one car in our family so it means that the other person who isn't using it has to use other methods. It can be difficult.

You are only talking about every other Friday.

When you have dc, you have to factor in the cost of driving them to parties.

Perhaps you should move to the home town of your husbands dc to save on the driving costs.

purpleroses · 26/07/2014 05:29

The school ruin sounds a bit tricky but not unreasonable of him to want to collect from school once a fortnight. Doing a school pick up is a good way of connecting with your DC's life, getting to know a few of their friends parents, etc. And as his ex does the other 9 out of ten a fortnight not a big ask. Could you make an arrangement with a friend to collect your DD from school that day? Or book her into an after school club or childminder, so your DP can get her an hour or so late? Or use a taxi?

Parties would be best dealt with on a case by case basis, ideally with a bit of give and take with their mum, or possibly other friends of theirs. So they do some, maybe go back to their mums a little early (eg if the party's on a Sunday pm), but miss others of they clash with your plans or they are parties the DC isn't that bothered about. I'd try and let them do parties where possible but wouldn't want to be court ordered to do so.

43percentburnt · 26/07/2014 05:38

Taxi every other Friday? Or do a car lift share. You drop off another child one day and they drops yours on every other Friday?

Baby in sling -easy to feed. What about one of them stand on boards that attach to the back of the pram for the toddler (never used one but they look fun!)?

What has your dh suggested? How's about you collect the dsc and he does the school run? Express milk prior to leaving. You get to chill out in the car? Or why doesn't he take the toddler and baby with him?

thebluehen · 26/07/2014 07:07

5 mile walking school run with a newborn and a toddler sounds awful to me.

I think you need to consider another car or a taxi. Is your partner working with you to find solutions? I completely understand how you must feel second best.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/07/2014 07:11

When he came back from the contact hearing, did you ask how he was going to collect the DSC as you will be picking the other kids up at the same time, using the car?

Pantone363 · 26/07/2014 07:16

It's one Friday every two weeks. ONE.

Realistically how many parties will there be?

Do you have a suggestion for when he sees his DC?

Julius02 · 26/07/2014 07:22

It's only one day a fortnight - as others have suggested already, can't you get a taxi that day or make an arrangement with another parent? He's their dad too.....

lornemalvo · 26/07/2014 07:29

She is his daughter. She was before he met you. Presumably you knew about her at the start of your relationship and realised she had needs he had to deal with. It does sound very inconvenient, it really does, but he cannot just not see her any more because his 'new family' don't want to walk once a fortnight. I have 3 under 4. We walk most places. You should look into a buggy board for the toddler.
Remember he is her dad and she barely sees him. Two days a fortnight isn't much. If he moves on from your family will you be happy if he only sees your DC for 2 days a fortnight and his new partner complains about the hassle?

Bonsoir · 26/07/2014 07:30

How many DC do you have between you? It sounds as if one car isn't enough anyway.

Only1scoop · 26/07/2014 07:39

As others have said its only once a fortnight. Must be awful for them to see each other so little. If things don't work out with your family you wouldn't appreciate his partner being so annoyed about party transportation etc for your dc.

thebluehen · 26/07/2014 08:28

Could he use public transport to pick up his kids?

It shouldn't automatically be that you have to make sacrifices, maybe he could have a fun trip on the bus/train instead which might be a novelty for the kids?

OwlCapone · 26/07/2014 08:31

Whether it is fair or not depends on who moved away. If the ex moved away, then she should be prepared to facilitate the travelling. If your DP moved away then he should have thought of the impact on contact with his DC before moving.

OwlCapone · 26/07/2014 08:33

My children travel by various mean - XH pick them up, they travel by train alone to meet him half way, I drop them at the local mainline station to meet him or he sends a cab for them. Two are teens though so this makes them more independent.

thebluehen · 26/07/2014 08:35

Owl, sometimes nrp have no choice to move away because they've given up the marital home and have to move to a cheaper area. They can't always afford to stay in the same area.

I don't know if that's the case here but it's not always as simple as who moved where.

OwlCapone · 26/07/2014 08:38

IMO, the impact of contact with the children needs to be considered and factored in (transport links etc)

Standinginline · 26/07/2014 08:40

Tbh I'd be quite hurt if me bad partner split and only saw our kids every other weekend. This is coming from a stepmum. Can you get yourself a little run around car ?
I wouldn't move That far away from my kids to begin with.

FunkyBoldRibena · 26/07/2014 08:51

Can you get yourself a little run around car ?

Not being funny, but why can't HE get a little run around car...being that he needs it only every other weekend? Presumably the resident children need to go to school every day?

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Inertia · 26/07/2014 09:04

Who has the car when dh works ?

Could he travel by train or bus to get dsc if you dropped him at the station? Is a second car a possibility?

needaholidaynow · 26/07/2014 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 26/07/2014 09:30

A second car needs to be purchased. Not even an expensive one - my old car cost £400 and lasted me three years with no issues. If necessary I'd even put it on a 0% credit card with bank transfer option like a virgin card and pay it off that way. It would make life so much easier.

Failing that (or if you can't drive to have one of the cars) how about organising a contract with a local taxi company every other week to do the school run? Or ask another mum if you could share a lift if you contribute petrol money?

I think the late back from holiday thing is just a one off and one of those things you need to suck up unfortunately.

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