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dsc's bloody neglectful mother - advice needed ladies

(103 Posts)
wheresthelight Thu 10-Jul-14 17:48:01

Ok so for those of you who have read my posts know that we have an ongoing battle with dsc's "d"m over her neglectful attitude to their health on particular a particularly nasty foot mould for dss and impetigo for dsd but also fricking nits

She has refused to treat them for nits because she claims to have spoken to Dr, school nurse and other parents who all tell her it's futile and not to bother. Now having spoken to the gp and nurse practitioner (same village so same surgery) I know there is no way this is advice they have given her and my hv has spoke. To the school nurse for me and it certainly wasn't the advice I was given from them.

So the poor kids have come to us on Wednesday for first time in 2 weeks due to her cancelling contact since our last weekend, we hadn't seen them for 3 weeks at that point as she had again cancelled contact mid week due to sats etc. Both kids do their own hair so only wheb a plait was needed for dsd to go home (don't ask) did I go near her hair and she was absolutely riddled. Informed Dm and explained that first time looking (we were told they had just been treated and clear) and riddled so could she make sure and repeat treatment and follow gp advice of combing thru everyday.

Dsc's with us yesterday and scratching like you wouldn't believe so I enquired if Dm had treated for nits. Both say no and mum hasn't been combing either other than flicking a brush the before school. Now when I say riddled I mean that taking the comb thru one small section of dsc's fringe which is very short and about 20 nits fell out into my bathroom sink. Even dss was discussed. He asked what the black dots were so told him the truth, it's a mix of poop and eggs he said it made him feel sick (11 in 3 weeks) and was cross mum was ignoring it. Dsd when I parted her hair you could see hundreds crawling all over her scalp. When I stripped her to wash it off in shower she had bites all down her neck and back.

Give him his due dp when mental amd phoned his ex and blasted her. Her response was they must have picked them up that day as they had been clear that morning (bullshit)

So dp wants to make this official and I fully support this. I have suggested we talk to his solicitor and take it to the sschool nurse etc to have it on file again that we have serious concerns about her parenting of them. Dm usual excuse is she has 4 kids to look after and it's hard (their 2 and her dp's 2) amd she hasn't got time etc

I have suggested we flip the custody around, we have kids resident and she has access which I know she won't gp for and dp told her that if she doesn't pull her socks up he will take the kids away from her. However he then suggested maybe alternate weeks would be a better solution but that seems very disruptive to me for all involved.

So ladies of you have got this far then thank you!! But what in your opinions would be better for the kids? Our dd is only 10 months so not overtly worried about impact on her but I do worry especially for dss who is very sensitive and I don't want us to do the wrong thing inadvertently whilst desperately trying to do the right thing.

lunar1 Thu 10-Jul-14 18:23:19

I've read your posts before, I really think your dh should take her to court to be the resident parent. It may also help her others if ss get involved.

fedupbutfine Thu 10-Jul-14 18:34:43

you won't get residence on the basis of a headful of nits which are notoriously difficult to get rid of in the most caring, responsible of all households. All she says in court is 'I treated, I combed' and it's your words against hers.

What does the school say? GP? Health visitor?

Be very careful making 'I'll take the kids away from you threats' as that will never look good in court.

Namechangearoonie123 Thu 10-Jul-14 18:37:30

See them more often and treat them.

Both parents are responsible for this so just do it.

ivoryblankets Thu 10-Jul-14 18:41:08

Are you really driving flipping custody around? As in, YOU have suggested?

If my ex's partner dared suggest this to me I'd go batshit and no way would she be anywhere near my kids ever again.

Nits are a blooming nightmare to get rid of. DS had them for months over and over because he was getting re-infected at school and I WAS combing and I WAS treating.

I am sorry if there is a backstory I have not read. But you cannot threaten to take her kids off her because of nits. And you "suggesting" is not going to help the situation. It's likely to inflame it.

NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure Thu 10-Jul-14 18:49:42

No experience of step stuff, but just from reading the OP she is saying the children are riddled! As in more than would appear in the space of a few hours at school - that suggests the mum is not treating and nits are absolutely horrible to have. If it is that bad then the children must be finding it hard to concentrate at school for all the itching. If it is also suggestive of other areas not being taken care of, then your DP should see a solicitor and ask for advice on what to do. I would imagine you can't just go threatening to take the children away, that's not going to work, you need to build up proof that the children would be better off with their father and you for the majority of their time.

frames Thu 10-Jul-14 18:50:11

All of these conditions, foot fungus, impetigo, nis are all so easily contagious. I really hope you don't get custody based on this. However perfect you are.

Katkins1 Thu 10-Jul-14 18:50:24

Can't you just treat the nits? I bought a nitty gritty comb from Boots, works really well. The custody thing is a separate issue, treat the nits and sort that out first, then worry about custody after.

Ratbagcatbag Thu 10-Jul-14 18:54:11

Is contact court ordered? Just wondered why the kids can't revise etc at yours?
Can you stop her cancelling the contact so you have them more regular? And instead of alternative weeks, why not tues night, thurs night and eow?

ivoryblankets Thu 10-Jul-14 18:56:09

PS if you know she has "form" for not treating nits, why did you not check them when they came?

GiantIsopod Thu 10-Jul-14 19:03:08

Sympathies. My DSD now live with us full time- supervised, once a week contact with their mother, that's it. They also had nits...and NOT the amount my DC would get, where it would be scratchy and horrible but treated- they were uncared for enough that when they visited, we could see the lice in their hair moving, from a distance. It was very visible and they had sores on their head from the scratching- DSD1 scratched enough for her head to bleed a bit. We would always treat and comb them there, but there were other medical problems- and when DSD2 was diagnosed with diabetes, we were very worried about the lax attitude their DM seemed to have too. It wasn't normal, ordinary kid stuff, there was NO treatment, NO medication, no nothing! They would spread nits or infect other kids, they wouldn't be kept off school until they were sent home.

wheresthelight Thu 10-Jul-14 19:12:39

Giant that is exactly how it is. And I do treat normally every time they are with us amd comb thoroughly but when she cancels and we have barely seen them in 5 weeks there is nothing we can do about it.

There are other medical issues that she refuses to deal with along with a whole host of other problems that I won't bore people with.

My suggestion of flipping custody around was only said to dp as he was asking us what options I would be happy with on terms of changing contact as due to his shift work u would end up as primary care giver so whilst I appreciate the comments that it isn't technicallymy pplace in this instance yes my opinion and suggestions are valid as it's me who would end up looking after them.

Contact isn't court ordered as she wanted the arrangement kept between themselves, but we will take to court of necessary

As far as I am concerned the only thing that matters is what is best for the kids and to be so riddled with nits that even the pharmacist on my local boots chemist was disgusted that she could see dsd's hair moving as giant describes her mother is clearly nits doing anything and if you rtft she has admitted she is doing nothing

OwlCapone Thu 10-Jul-14 19:15:20

Those of you who say you comb and treat and still your DC have nits, do they have 100s and are they covered in bites? This sounds far worse than a persistent re-infection.

fuzzpig Thu 10-Jul-14 19:23:36

It really doesn't sound like reinfestation (incidentally that autocorrected to "fringe station" hmm) to me, from the description that sounds like she's not been properly treated at all. Which would fit with ex saying she's been told not to bother.

Fairylea Thu 10-Jul-14 19:29:30

Poor kids.

How old are they? Did I hear right and ones nearly 11? If the other one is a similar age I'd be tempted to send them home with a stock of nit treatment they can do themselves - my dd is nearly 11 and she'd be able to do it if she had to. Some of the treatments you don't even have to wash out now. Perhaps (not ideal I know) you could treat them to comb each other??

I just feel so sorry for them sad very difficult situation for them with their dm if she's unwilling to really sort it.

Wetthemogwai Thu 10-Jul-14 19:41:32

I'm in a similar situation, it's so bloody frustrating and I feel for you op.

I think as pp have suggested, keep the threats to a minimum, let it all come from your partner as any input from you with likely cause ww3. If you're in a position to the absolutely encourage and support your DP through court and custody all the while making sure she's reassured and never denied access.
This isn't your fight, no matter how strongly you feel about the children, just make sure you're a voice of support and reason in your DPs ear.

Good luck thanks

fedupbutfine Thu 10-Jul-14 21:50:40

you need to understand that you, as the step parent, 'ending up as primary carer' isn't usually how the court system works. Be careful that a solicitor doesn't take your money off you with false (at worst) and weak (at best) promises. The courts are highly unlikely to be happy to change residence of a child on the basis that dad isn't around, let alone 'he said, she said' and something as mild as nits.

If things are as bad as you state, what does the school say? what conversations as your husband had with the school? if the children's hair is that bad, it is hard to imagine a situation where the school wouldn't have an opinion on it. Conversations with school and other relevant professionals will demonstrate the extent of the problem from their perspective - and if they're not that concerned, you can forget it in court.

wheresthelight Thu 10-Jul-14 22:11:26

Dp has tried to keep the officials out of it sonar as he didn't want to be seen to be bullying his ex however as she is still refusing to do anything he has made appointments to see the school etc. His ex claims teachers are aware and have given advice that not worth doing anything as kids just keep getting them but this genuinely isn't reinfestation it's just never getting rid of them. They are pretty much resistant to everything as they have had them so bloody long so when I spoke to the gp (because I was concerned aboutdd getting them at a few weeks old) she vbasically said the only thing we could do was conditioner amd vigorously comb through which I do every time they are here but if their Dm isn't then it's a futile exercise

I haven't and would never speak to his ex. I have alwaysttried to be friendly etc as that is better for the kids but she is rude and spiteful so now I just don't see or speak to her.

fedupbutfine Fri 11-Jul-14 07:36:51

The teachers more than likely have given advice that it's not worth treating the nits because nits generally are not believed to be immune to the treatments that we have available. Not just your step children's nits, anyone's nits! We - as a whole family - have just had a massive infestation (which seemed to appear overnight, for what it's worth) and what got rid of them was my sheer determination with a nit comb. I tried Hedrin but we were still crawling 24 hours later. Are you sure both 'sides' are not (deliberately or otherwise) misunderstanding things here?

It is not 'bullying' the ex if you have a separate relationship with schools, GPs and other professionals. It is sensible for parents to keep up to date with what is going on with their children when separated and schools expect to see it. You are now surely describing the 'bullying' situation when you partner's only interest in professionals is to support him in having the children removed from his ex? Why is there no compromise and support for the ex who perhaps is struggling with 4 children? If she is with-holding contact I realise it makes things difficult but rather than threats, how about a different way of dealing with things and offer her some genuine, heartfelt support?

Only1scoop Fri 11-Jul-14 07:41:55

I have read your previous posts and cannot believe they are still crawling. Awful.... I'm not suprised you have had enough.

wheresthelight Fri 11-Jul-14 07:45:54

Fedup - which I would understand if she was actually combing their hair through but she admits she isn't because she "doesn't have time" and the kids say she hasn't.

His ex is a nightmare and anything she sees as dp trying to parent by seeing the school etc results in threats to stop contact

JugglingFromHereToThere Fri 11-Jul-14 07:49:28

I think that you and dp were also remiss in not treating for nits whilst DC were with you, especially if you know that their dm is struggling to get on top of the situation. You could probably tackle this quite well from your end which might help everyone?

wheresthelight Fri 11-Jul-14 07:53:33

Have you actually read the posts? With the exception on 1 weekend I have treated them and combed through thoroughly EVERY time they have been with us.

Dm isn't struggling she injustice lazy and refusing to do it as rebellion at dp getting involved and telling her she needs to do something too

Will people please rtft and answer the question asked

Goldmandra Fri 11-Jul-14 07:54:56

Can you take them to your GP to get proof of the severity of the infestation?

JugglingFromHereToThere Fri 11-Jul-14 07:55:00

OK, sorry if my thoughts weren't helpful

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