11 year old dsd disaster day again..!!

[Elizabeth120914]

So I thought I would try and create an environment where dsd and oh can bond doing something together..

She has been tough lately as she won't come round unless we offer her something her dad feels used and when she gets here she ignores him and wants to be with me which doesn't go down well at all..

So she likes food her dads into his bike so we pick her up make a picnic and head off to a park I'd found online which has a massive adventure play ground. Now I'm nearly 8 months pregnant so no cycling for me I took the dog along there's a big off road bike track too so they would have to ride together ...

Well no! I've walked 4 miles well waddled with poor old dog round the track and she's crawled next to me on the bike! The love of food has suddenly vanished she's on a diet! Won't go on the track with me watching and then got in the car and immediately asks if it's home time and what's happening next..

We get home and she falls asleep for two hours refuses any tea and goes home without three words to oh or a thank you!

If I didn't laugh I would cry! He's annoyed, shes gone home and I've walked 4 miles for nothing.. There must be a funny side somewhere i give up!! Please tell me I'm not the only one failing with a very sulky 11 year old?!

[DontPutMeDownForCardio]

You should have sent them off together so she had no choice but to interact with him.

[Elizabeth120914]

I will next time il have to go out somewhere else I just assumed that by my walking with the dog and there being tonnes of more exciting things she would have gone off with him.. Definitely could have done without the extended waddle!

[badstepmummy]

My DSD was like this when she first came to us. She wouldn't leave my side. I think mainly because of everything that had gone on with her mum and dad. I was a bit more "in the middle".

Is it possible your SD is being influenced so feels she can't love her dad and enjoy being with him? That's why my SD latched onto me.

[Elizabeth120914]

That's a new idea thanks ... ;) I think it's more that they have little in common and he thinks that she should come and do normal family stuff - she's bored and I'm the soft touch. Thought by finding a free day out we could make everyone happy. Truth is oh just doesn't relate to an 11 year old girl and likewise..

Valid point tho I do end up in the middle but if I'm not there they don't even speak maybe I should leave them too it just don't want her to stop coming full stop and want things better before a baby is in the mix too and I won't have much time ..

[PajamaQueen]

You said in a separate thread she enjoys baking with you. Is this something dad could do with her instead? If she asks you to do some baking, maybe dad could step in and say he'd like to? It may not be something he's remotely interested in but it may help them bond better if he tries to show an interest in something she enjoys. Plus if he's not much of a baker - you could get in some of those easy to make in 3 steps mixes.

[badstepmummy]

Getting them to do something is a brilliant idea. Could your OH ask your DSD for some help baking something?

For example, "Elizabeth120914 is feeling poorly, she said your a good cook, could you help me cook tea cause i'm useless"

Anything where DSD can "teach" or "help" your OH do something aswell works really well. My DSD "showed" my DH how to fish. It's a good confidence boost and gives them something to bond over. Even now theres things they will do together and I won't.

[captainproton]

It doesn't sound like her dad is interested in making an effort. Is she picking up on that?

If he wants a strong bond with her he's got to get involved, find out what her hobbies are support her. Take her to clubs etc.

I hate to say it, but maybe on occasion a be a little bit Disney dad, especially around the time your baby is born.

[stripeylion3]

Absolutely, he should try and fit into her life, rather than expect her to come and fit into your life. My DD is 11 and does bond with a young woman at the shareholder my exDH is at.

It is just that age bracket where girls like to hang out with women more as they really are on the cusp of becoming one.

Your DH will get a look in if he engages on her level about things that interest her. Good luck.

[stripeylion3]

Sharehouse

[stripeylion3]

And spending money to buy her things shouldn't be 'I feel used'. He should be buying her things regardless of where she lives.

[Elizabeth120914]

Thanks all she's gone on to some weird thing about weight which I'm concerned about it was all about baking and food then this weekend it's calories.. I don't ever weigh myself or think about this at all but I'm quite active- is this normal for an 11 year old?? Have spoken to OH about it he's not concerned but she has visably lost weight. She kept telling me she has only eaten this and that today too like it's a good thing?

He does need to engage he's bloody lazy and needs to be the adult I was just trying to do it subtly rather than saying I'm not coming as the next thing would be her asking me what I'm doing instead and him being annoyed again!!

In the buying things comment it's not things so much as she want a day out that i would class as a birthday treat type day rather than something normal family does at the weekend that's why I thought the park was good. We treated her to a really expensive days out and she spent the whole day asking what's next I nearly had to duck for cover!

Money is quite tight at the moment to we need to get the uniform for the new school in September one weekend but she's asked if we can go not dad. It's his own fault but I do feel sorry for him if she was my kid I'd feel horrible if she wanted my new oh over me.. She's always been like it but it's not subtle anymore at all. It has in the past caused a lot of trouble is that why she does it? to upset dad?

I'm hoping it's a phase as others have said but I'm exhausted maybe selfishly and just want them to sort it out before the baby. If I butt out completely he would have done a few miles bike ride from home yesterday (she hates exercise) and then made her watch f1!!! Just worried she won't come anymore ...

[kinkytoes]

I used to cling to my DSM like a limpet when I was a girl. I really didn't get on with my dad, and vice versa, and I hated those times when I had to go there. My only salvation was my DSM, I adored her. It wound my dad up that I felt that way too.

However I couldn't just go home when I felt like it, and I'm surprised your arrangement is so flexible. I also didn't expect to 'do something' every visit (that's just entitled).

I suppose I'm just saying I feel for her a bit, and I also feel for you especially as you must be exhausted right now! Daddy needs to start making more of an effort, but as I well know, you can't force these things.

[Elizabeth120914]

She isn't taken home! She just starts asking what the time is what time she's going etc.. It's sad really when she was younger they got on really well he just doesn't relate to her now and vice versa..

Ex won't make her come it's all on dsd's terms we had five weeks of texts on the day of collection saying 'dsd doesn't want to come' and no explanation apart from the obvious which is why I'm worried about entertaining her it's a nightmare ! I feel for her too she's not a bad kid it's just a crappy situation if we knew she would have to come it would be a bit easier but I always feel like we have to tempt her/ make lots of things to do..

Back to work today for a break lol!

[Filthball]

Hi op, I would be concerned about her diet issues. Maybe her DM is dieting or it maybe a control thing.

I would disappear for a few hours when she gets there. Be there at arrival to say hello and bye when she leaves.

When she gets picked up, give her a rundown of what she will be doing that day.

Dd " today were going to do x, y and then z"

Also dh has t dig deep and not get put out. The big expensive trips need to stop . My own dd was a bit like this with me and ex. I'd spend hundreds on her and with in an hour she was bored.

My dd had two families falling over trying to over compensate for us breaking up. It became expected.

Don't go on the outings. Let him take her on walks, rides where they have to engage. Even if it's a monologue fir dh he still has to persist.

My dd(1) still see her dad as a cash cow . For instance when she is due to see him she will text and say " hey shall we go to x for tea" which always is some new expensive restaurant in town. It must piss him off. He also took her hiking for free which she enjoyed.

Be careful not go down the route of guilt buying. It does no good.

Good luck.

[Elizabeth120914]

Thank u loads of good tips there.

I struggle because he works 6 days a week and wants us to do stuff together on her days as a family so my disappearing is awkward. I've never managed it my disappearance always involves her coming with me!! This will have to change with the baby so trying to transition then now! She's not going to want to sit with me and a newborn surely??

It's very convenient for him tho of course! I suspect if I disappear it will be off till mother in laws he just doesn't seem to have a clue what to do or the motivation to actually battle through the teenager!

Yes thats what we get Alton towers/ expensive restaurants or doesn't want to come it's not easy ,..!

[LJHH]

Hi @elizabeth
I had a disaster weekend too so you aren't alone
hope all is ok x

[kinkytoes]

Hmm, sounds like they're holding you to ransom which is really not on. I can see where you're feeling pressure to entertain, but really think you should probably step back a bit. It's not a healthy situation for any of you by the sound of it. You'll have other priorities soon enough anyway!

[Elizabeth120914]

I do feel a bit torn.. I'm exhausted today just a shame it didn't work and I dragged my waddling pregnant backside for miles for nothing!!

I've made a rod for my back because I've always been there or on my own with her. Nevermind I'm sure she will grow out of it at some point and be more interested in dad. I never really had much interest in mine even now we don't have much in common at at ..

[PajamaQueen]

I agree with what a previous poster said. I think it could be that she relates more to you than dad because he doesn't seem to make an effort in at least trying to be interested in what she likes. It seems like he leaves you to your devices with her and then gets upset when she is more closer to you. Are you able to have a conversation with him about taking more of an interest?

My own DD is in to loom bands and while my DH has absolutely no interest in them - he's sat there this weekend trying to learn and help her do them. Ideally it's not something he'd like to be sat hours doing but it's something DD is in to so he's trying to take an interest.

[Elizabeth120914]

Pajama queen you've hit the nail on the head 100%. Any conversations about any of it end in a massive row and I'm sick of it I try my best to keep the peace but it's exhausting doing the entertaining let alone arguing over it. He's very sensitive about it because he's upset how she is she also is ignoring grand parents I can't win..

He just won't really engage for more than two minutes and she makes it hard for him to do it too so I don't know maybe I'm just pointlessly complaining..

[ChiefBillyNacho]

If he's upset about how she is then he needs to start looking at his part in that. Poor thing - only gets to see her Dad on one day and he can't spend more than a few minutes focussing on her.

I'd leave him to it and focus on you and doing what's best for you right now, and on your own relationship with your dsd. Sounds like she is lucky to have you there. This stuff won't be bypassing her - she will see what you are doing for her but she will also know that her dad isn't bothering.

And I think that's why she doesn't come for periods, why put yourself in the position of being effectively rejected by your Dad. And yet she does come back as she wants him to be different.

[Elizabeth120914]

I don't know what the answer is hopefully the baby will remove me from the equation a bit and then they will have to sort themselves out...

Before I did a lot of it it was MIL when she was small she was a real daddys girl but the last two years or so have really seen a change.. He's good at playing games and being daft but she's past all that now and don't think either knows how to relate!

As much as I want them to get on the responsibility ultimately does lie with him but I just worry if I step out completely it will combust and she won't come at all.. She was coming all weekend every but she decided she was bored and changed to one day - which is fine she has clubs and other kids to play with at home.

We understand that I just thought that we would have one more quality day but yesterday after the whole park thing she was wanting what's next/ is it home time after a grand total of about 5 hours in our company and she was flat out doing things the whole time.

Hopefully it's partly being a teenager too but at home there's no boundaries and she does whatever she wants too and oh is quite strict with her so I suppose one option Is a lot more attractive than another ..

Might have one last go at launching him into action.. They are a pair of stubborn what's it's lets hope the baby isn't the same or I might move into the shed!!

[gingercat2]

I think you need to detach, as hard as that will be, and let their relationship sink or swim for now. I'm afraid I don't think things will improve in the foreseeable future. But if you don't detach now, you will start to get resentful, especially as you will have less time and energy for being the mediator with a new baby.

[Elizabeth120914]

Thanks gingercat we are going away next week for a few days so I'm going to try and tackle him when he's more relaxed and in a better mood about things .. One last try and then I think I will withdraw and get my tin hat out!

I know it's easier said than done when you aren't in the middle of a situation but how can some people be so blind to what's under their noses!

[Alita7]

I'd be worried that an 11 year old is on a diet. I'd of mentioned it to her mum and make it clear that you tried to feed her!