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Step-parenting

Dh wants to pay more maintenance

33 replies

TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 10:28

But Exgf doesn't wan him to,why could this be? Any thoughts?

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TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 10:33

He pays an agreed amount to her by SO. He also gives cash for school trips, uniform, school shoes and we buy clothes sometimes as well when they are with us.

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BuzzLightbulb · 26/06/2014 10:51

Perhaps she wants nothing to do with him?

They have separated, she would dearly love to have him out of her life but can't because they share a child?

Or she's in a relationship with someone who's not (yet) comfortable with this apparent generosity from her ex or even contact with him?

Why not leave it as is, enjoy being able to treat them when they're at yours, and just make the offer that if exgf is ever struggling to provide for the children to let him know?

Or put the money into savings for the kids?

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TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 11:11

They get on fine, and she has no partner. Will it affect what she receives? He just wants to feel he's paying what he feels is right.

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BuzzLightbulb · 26/06/2014 11:30

Maintenance doesn't count towards income, doesn't affect tax credits, dunno about housing benefit.

Getting on fine when you're discussing your children is one thing, and maintenance for the children is for the children.

Pay what the CSA calculator says, it's pretty generous I should know, or what is agreed between them if higher. If she doesn't want any more she has her reasons.

Does DH want to giver her money? Or the kids?

I'm not really clear why he would want to give her money, and why you'd be happy about that?

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Inthedarkaboutfashion · 26/06/2014 11:34

Maybe she has enough money and doesn't want to take more than what she needs and sees as a fair amount. We do still have some reasonable people in the world.
Perhaps he could agree to open an account for the child and put the extra money in there.

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rootypig · 26/06/2014 11:38

Whatever her reasons, not your business. Noone has to take money that they don't want. Agree with Buzz, save the extra for the kids.

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TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 11:54

I'm allowed to wonder why root. Not hurting anyone and no need to be so abrupt. It is my business when my DH asks me what I think.

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BuzzLightbulb · 26/06/2014 11:57

Mums, why do you think she doesn't want it?

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TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 11:58

I didn't say I wasn't happy, I've told him he should pay what he feels is fair and to increase it if he wishes. It doesn't effect me.

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TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 12:01

I do t know buzz, I thought it might be to do with what she receives but you say that's not so, so I'm not shut tbh. Maybe it just like you said and she just doesn't need it. We can give a bit extra directly to then instead. No big deal, was just wondering

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BuzzLightbulb · 26/06/2014 12:10

My arrangement allows for the amount to increase if my income increases, however I'm fairly sure if I suddenly decided to make an obvious increase I would be questioned about it and told to drop it back to the agreed level.

My kids are older so they tend to need money to sort themselves out rather than things bought for them so it's easier to ask them if there's anything they need and to offer to help or to be out shopping and if there's something they like, and actually need, offer to buy it.

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rootypig · 26/06/2014 12:24

When I said none of your business, I meant yours and DH's. Wondering in private together is somewhat different from speculating online about what benefits she's in receipt of.

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TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 12:36

I think you have misunderstood me, we were not wondering what benefits she receives. You are right that is none of our business. But if it's use as an excuse to stop DH paying what he feel is right then it's very much his business (but that's not the case anyway) . He pays over the calculated rate but he's not worried about that, just wants to feel he's helping as much as he can afford. Giving the kids extra is fine but it's not alway the best way if he want it to go towards practical things. And I don't see why I'm not allowed to wonder that on an anonymous forum and maybe get a bit of insight?

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EleanorHandbasket · 26/06/2014 12:42

My ex wrote to me a while back offering more than the pitiful csa amount.

I refused for many reasons, he was abusive and cruel, he has ignored DD for eight years, everything with him and his wife so far has been a horrible game, I don't need the money and I don't want anything to do with him. I'd rather get whatever small amount the CSA squeeze out of him (currently twelve quid) so that he is contributing something but it's not about the money.

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Enb76 · 26/06/2014 12:47

It could be that she doesn't need the money and would feel guilty about accepting it. I get support from my daughter's father and when he offered more I didn't take it at the time because I didn't need it.

Why don't you suggest that he puts the extra cash that she doesn't want into an account for his child - it can then go towards more expensive school trips, holidays etc... because it's already saved up.

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TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 12:49

That's horrible Elenor, and I can see why you want nothing to do with a man like that. Luckily DH and ex get on fine and he's always had regular and flexible (if either need it) contact. I guess she will just let us know if she needs more, and DH will be happy to do that. I wasn't asking this question for any sinister reason, but I now feel that's how it's been taken. Oh well,

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needaholidaynow · 26/06/2014 12:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 12:50

Enb, I will suggest that to him. He has two dc with her and you never know when a big expense might come up. Thanks

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Enb76 · 26/06/2014 12:50

Quite a few people here seem to always look for the ulterior motive when it comes to non-resident parents. I wouldn't worry about it.

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EleanorHandbasket · 26/06/2014 12:58

I've just realised my post might read as though I'm saying your DH is like my ex, I'm really sorry. That's really not what I meant and it was just to give you an idea of some reasons for refusing extra, in case it helped at all.

But the biggest thing for me was not wanting any kind of strings, and sticking to the CSA amount is the best way for me to achieve that.

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TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 13:03

That's ok Eleanor, I got where you were coming from but did want to clarify that DH is not like that Smile

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purpleroses · 26/06/2014 13:50

I would guess she likes to feel that she's supporting them largely herself and doesn't want to feel indebted - she might think that if she takes more money from him he'll have some sort of say in how it's spent that she doesn't want him to have. Maybe she thinks the money is more than sufficient to cover his share of the costs.

None of her benefits will be affected by how much he pays.

I'd encourage your DP to just give her the amount she's happy to receive, and make it clear he's happy to chip in for other big expenses if she asks him to. Then put any extra aside as rainy day money - for the DSC or yourselves if needed.

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tiredandsadmum · 26/06/2014 14:20

what a lovely dad :)

The saving idea sounds a great alternative. College, uni, 1st flat will be expensive so the extra there will probably be very welcome.

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McPhee · 26/06/2014 14:27

It makes a change to read a refreshing thread. So many people moan, including me, about dad's shirking financial responsibilities.

Lovely!

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TheMumsRush · 26/06/2014 14:32

Thank, he is a good dad, they are good kids and are fab big siblings to ds.

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