Step-parents opinions gratefully received

[kittyandro]

I have been reading various threads on this site in an attempt to reassure myself with problems I am experiencing. I am not a step-parent but my partner is SD to my little boy (is that the right acronym? Not up to speed yet!)

My DS and I moved in with my boyf about a year ago. He is brilliant with my son in so many ways, tries v hard in bonding with him and supporting me. BUT he is becoming increasingly jealous of my relationship with my son. He is stricter than I am (and I don't think I'm a pushover) but instead of disciplining my son himself, he'll tell me to do it - I know he is scared of being seen as the 'wicked Step Father' which I understand. Sometimes I think he is too hard, expecting my son to behave more like an adult. All he seems to do lately is criticise my parenting, or my son's behaviour (he's a normal 4 year old in my view but boyf thinks he has behavioural 'issues') which I again feel ultimately as a criticism of me.

My boyf lives for our time alone together saying exactly what others have said on this site - that we never had a proper relationship as he inherited my child from the outset. And I believe how difficult it must be to take on someone else's child. But I dread the weekends where the 3 of us are in the house together ? he inevitably ends up angry because my son takes most of my attention. He says it isn't normal for a 4 yo to demand so much of his mum's attention. BUT we do get time alone together, every other weekend when my DS is at his dad's house, and one night a week - which most 'normal' families don't get!

He says I 'baby' my son and have turned him into a clingy little boy. He doesn't seem to 'get' the feelings I have for my own child.

We have talked about getting married and having our own kids (I love him and desperately want things to work and have more children), but now I'm wondering if this will help (ie he will understand the biological parent/child bond) or make things worse (my son will seem like a monster compared to his 'perfect' offspring).

Any thoughts from other step-parents on how I can support these 2 people I love so much and make it work gratefully received thanks!

[fairyjay]

Not a step parent, but one thing I would say is that you are absolutely right to try and get it sorted in the early days. My bro and his wife got together when her dd was around 2, and because they never got the discipline thing sorted, there has been an on-going problem in the relationship between the dd and my bro. They now have two children of their own, and he is pretty strict with them too, but the love shines thru', whereas there always seems to be resentment from his step daughter.

[kimi]

Hi Kittyandro,
I have recently split from my DH and now have a new partner, who had never had a relationship before he met me, i also have two sons age 10 and 6. They get on very well with my NP, and my DH is still very much involved (and thankfully gets on well with my NP).
However NP and i have had very different upbringings and have very different views on child rearing, Although DP is great with mine and even if we stay together till old age i will NOT be having any more children so he will never have his "own" kids.
It is a learning process, DH and i still have to make all the big disions for our sons, but as they live with me and new dp there are some "new rules" that they have had to get used to and not just the children who have found it sometimes odd.
I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with him, of corse a 4 year old needs lots from his mummy (although i dont know your circumstances so forgive me if out of line) your DS has had a big change in his life and a new person becoming part of his family and needs mummy, a grown man really should understand this

[kittyandro]

thanks, that's exactly how I feel. He criticises my ds for being so clingy and needing attention, but that is precisely how he himself acts. I feel so torn between the two of them, surely as you say a grown man should be able to deal with his emotions more ably than a 4 year old child?

[kittyandro]

HTH, thanks so much for your reply. Guilt is what I do best!

It's funny, as I feel that my dp lives for our time together more and more, rather than less like you. We used to do more stuff together as a 'family' but that happens less and less. He is v possessive of my time, he will babysit for me but is not happy about it and doesn't really want me to do anything without him as he says we get so little time alone together. I took ds to a birthday party last weekend and dp moaned that I was gone for 3 hours of the weekend that I could have spent with him. It sounds terrible when I write it here, he is a lovely man, but is very jealous of any time I spend anywhere else and I don't know how to deal with it.

We do agree on discipline issues and always present a 'united front' which I agree is very important. It's just that it is always me that has to do the disciplining. Having lived together almost a year I feel he should be able to tell ds off if he is misbehaving. He knows I'll back him up but I know he's scared of being seen as 'wicked stepdad'. He is so critical of what I see as normal behaviour for a 4 yo. I feel a bit battered with the constant negative opinion. I think my ds is a very good little boy generally.

It feels very much that he is 'my son' and that my dp is purely an observer a lot of the time. I wish he'd get a bit more stuck in. DS is a mummy's boy I have to admit, and I have been amazed at some of the stuff dp has had to put up with from him when ds is not in the best of moods. I don't know if I could take it if the roles were reversed which is why I wonder if I'm being unfair.

We get every other w/end together and one night every week when ds is at real dad's house. He is also good at bedtime and goes at 7.30 not waking till morning, so we get every evening together. I think we're very lucky, most families don't get this opportunity.

I think the problem is that it never feels like 'family time' and I wish it did. The weekends together are spent with me and ds together and dp glowering in the background because he feels left out. Like you I do tell ds not to interrupt etc, it's not like I devote myself to him.

I desperately want more kids, I'm just so scared the situation will get worse for my ds and he'll end up hating me when he's older, wanting to leave and live with his dad (who really is a pushover!) and so on.

[clumsymum]

Why do soooo many men forget what it was like being a child? Of course your ds needs loads of attention from his mum at 4 years old, mine's 6 and I get precious little time to myself, and we don't get every-other weekend off either, most parents have a 52 week a year commitment. So just point that out to your boyf.

I think your boyf is feeling left out, but he needs to realise that that is just how it is. Even birth fathers get a bit peed off when a child comes along and moves them down the pecking order. Your partner can't expect you to put him above your son, and he is just going to have to accept that.

If you are looking at a long-term relationship then he has to accept that you are a family, and do family things together. I must say it would bother me that he wanted to live with you, but doesn't willingly spend time with your son, resents staying in with ds if you go out, basically isn't accepting that ds is part of the package, part of his responsibility to you.

[kittyandro]

There - I knew the acronyms would get the better of me in the end!

I feel awful typing that stuff about how jealous dp is because he's been so great with me and ds since we've been together. I was in a state when dh and I split and he really pulled me through and put up with a lot. But the more I type the more serious I feel the situation is and now I feel really frightened!

Your boyf sounds lovely! Mine does not really have any friends that he sees regularly (typical man doesn't bother to keep in touch with people much) but I am trying to encourage the hobby thing! He just wants us to do everything together and doesn't want to involve anyone else, eg doesn't like getting together with family/friends much. He works v hard and treasures quiet time at home just the two of us.

IMO we do have a huge amount of time for just the two of us, but he says that's nothing in comparison to what we would have had if we'd met before I had ds. He would like ds' dad to have him more, but it's not what I want (and his dad wouldn't agree anyway). Ultimately I think he's very resentful that ds is not his son and admits that he is frightened that if we have children he will love them more - which I think is inevitable. The important thing as far as I'm concerned is whether or not he lets that show to ds.

Ds is not bad to him, but does want mummy to do everything for him and has often pushed dp away (metaphorically speaking) in the past. But he is the same with his dad if I'm there and with grandparents. Isn't this fairly normal for some children?

[clumsymum]

Kitty, aha..... looking at your last paragraph, you need to take charge here.

I suspect your ds may just be playing you off against boyf here (they all do it sometime you know) . If ds will turn boyf away from doing things with/for him, you MUST stand your ground and make ds accept him some of the time.

Be busy when ds wants help. Be prepared to say "no, I'm busy, let x help you". You need to get boyf to let you go out, and have more responsibilty for ds, so they BOTH learn to be together. Can boyf take ds to the pictures to see a 'blokes movie' (Cars comes to mind). Get them to do stuff together that is fun (ds and dh go to the cycle hire at Clumber Park and hire bikes together for the afternoon. They come back tired, muddy and happy.

of course this can't happen unless boyf is prepared to do his bit and put in the effort. But if he loves you .......?

And it should ease the relationship between boyf and ds.

[clumsymum]

Sorry, meant to add that boyf will find it hard to love ds if you let ds push him away.

BUT boyf needs to remember that, as the grown-up, he has to let ds take precedence in your life.

[kittyandro]

Thanks for the advice, I think you're both right I need to get them 'involved' with each other more. They do tend to have a great time together if I'm not around, my ds is just very different if he knows I'm nearby, the little monkey!

Ds's dad and I split when he was just 2 (nearly 5 now), don't think he actually remembers us living together. However he has had an awful lot of change in his little life - we lived with my parents after split, while he visited dad at our old house where he still lived. Then dad moved to new house at about the same time as we moved in with ds. I'm hoping now things are more settled he will be more settled too. Dp has decorated his bedroom etc and at last we have somewhere that we call 'home' (rather than 'nanny's house' and 'daddy's house'). I guess it's all still early days really. He starts school in 2 weeks so hope that won't be too stressful for him. But dp doesn't see these things as a problem, says ds is too young to appreciate all that's happened and it shouldn't have any affect on him really. Have to say I disagree.

Dp and I were together for 1 year before moving in together, the issues are worse now as we try to live 'family life'. Before, when 3 of us got together it was usually to do something exciting and fun and we all had a good time. It's the simple times like playing at home, mealtimes, shopping etc where the issues arise. I know dp feels we can't have an adult conversation whilst ds is around as he is too demanding of my attention, but I really don't see it as that bad. He says he's never known a child so demanding, but I don't think that's true either. I've been getting distraught, he never seems to be able to say anything nice about him these days and I really miss having someone to share all the funny little details with (things ds has said and done etc) - dp just rolls his eyes. It makes me so sad.

Think you're both right - the key is to get them 'into' each other more ...

Don't think dp is that threatened by ds's dad although dad's parenting rules are very laid back which stresses us both out. ds comes back from a weekend with dad and all our (mine and dp's) good work seems to be undone. Dad has no rules or regimes, but despite my best efforts that won't seem to change.

[kittyandro]

Oh my guilt! I just can't get rid of it. I feel overwhelmingly guilty as it was me that ended my previous marriage. I wasn't at all happy and ended up leaving. So it wasn't him that left, I'd feel so different (in some respects) if it had been his choice to go. I feel guilty because I made him so unhappy by going (although he made me unhappy for a long time - now has new girlfriend which helps me feel better) but mostly because I feel I'm being selfish and have deprived ds from a 'proper' family. I never pictured myself as a divorcee and forcing a 'broken home' onto my child, but then I guess that's a silly thing to say as noone does! I've spent 3 yrs trying to accept the situation and not feel guilty but just can't get over it. My ex's relationship with ds is, in fact, a million times better now than it ever was when we were together which is good. And I am so much happier in myself which I know is good for ds. But I do ultimately blame myself for not being able to make it work for ds' sake.

I also met boyf fairly soon after and fell for him. So felt I was horrid for not being more upset and mourning my broken marriage longer iykwim.

(This is great - thanks so much for reading my waffle, I feel like I can really get stuff off my chest! I don't have a lot of people to talk to about it all and certainly noone who has an unbiased opinion.)

This is exactly why I feel it HAS to work with dp. His house has become our 'home', ds is going to school locally and, (despite the fact that I love him which goes without saying) I couldn't bear to disrupt ds any more. I just wish I could 'help' dp understand young children more, and the mother/child bond, so that we both found it easier.

We don't plan much fun stuff for the 3 of us as daily life seems so busy! I think we made more effort when we didn't live together, or maybe we've just got into a bit of a rut lately.

How much do you see your boyf? How much with/without dd?

[kittyandro]

You sound very well grounded despite all that's happened. And yes, your boyf could have run a mile and found someone with no ties - the fact that he didn't speaks volumes. He must love you (both of you) v much.

I am similar in that I spend most of the time v happy, then every so often think it's not working. I was looking at flats to rent the other day online to see what I could afford - thinking ds and I should move out as the whole thing's hopeless. And then last night dp was talking about planning our wedding and spending this w/end looking at places to get married! I swing so violently from 'yes' to 'no' about our relationship.

Dp has made a huge effort with ds, and still does (more in many ways than his real dad). I'm just so scared of making a mistake again. But I want to be with him, I don't know how many people there are out there that would willingly take on someone else's child when they don't have kids themselves. That's the grateful thing again! But like I say, I'm making the decision for me and ds now, and that makes it so much harder.

I managed to talk dp into doing a 'family' trip next w/end - something for the 3 of us to enjoy. I just hope ds can be charming and in good spirits as the minute he starts with anything other than angelic behaviour lately, it sends dp into a foul mood for the rest of the w/end!

What a shock your pregnancy must have been! But how wonderful that you have dd, she sounds v good for you. I regret my marriage so much, but can't in some ways as I have ds from it and he is best thing ever. He and I are off for a last 'jolly' today before he starts school ...

[kittyandro]

DP doesn't actually listen all that much, he thinks I'm very soft and that ds is a bit of a baby (which he is - partly I think cos he's an only child - but that doesn't bother me as he has plenty of time to grow out of it). Dp loses his patience fairly quick and rolls his eyes when I try to explain why I think ds is acting the way he is. Having said that dp does think of new ways of dealing with situations eg spent all day making a sticker chart for good behaviour, has invented a reward scheme where ds gets a small toy out of a special box for being good at mealtimes etc. All off his own back - so he's keen for ds to do well and will praise him when he does.

It's almost like it's me he's getting at, by rewarding ds when he's good but NEVER being able to say to me 'oh he's been good today' or 'isn't he good about going to bed ...' - it's always negative opinion on him that I'm bombarded with, and lately it seems constant which just feels like continuous indirect criticism of me. I get mad when he says things like he thinks ds has 'issues' - he's a normal child. I know what you mean about the SuperNanny progs, some of those children have issues, mine isn't like that!

As I said b4, I think he's bitter that I went and had a baby with someone else. I knew him b4 I was married but nothing ever happened between us, although I think we both would have liked it to. There was definitely a spark, but I ignored it and still got married ... Now it's almost like he's punishing me.

We're also living in his house, which makes me feel beholden to him somewhat. Maybe if we were married it would feel a bit more like equal ground, I don't know.

On top of that, and I don't know why this makes a difference, he is a fair bit older than me and has more 'traditional' views in some respects. He reminds me of my father and I'm scared ds will grow up seeing him as the unapproachable grumpy man that he doesn't really know. That makes me really sad, as I know he's not like that ? I think he would get so much more from ds if he could just understand him a bit better.

That's why I'm torn re the more kids thing, maybe that would help him understand more. It's just taking the leap ... and what if it doesn't work?

[kittyandro]

Yes, DP is very 'fair', he just seems to expect very adult behaviour back.

I was thinking yesterday how much I love it when it is just me and DP together, or me and DS but NOT when we're all 3 together. Sad really, I relax so much more when it's just me and one of them, but then I remember my mum being like that with my dad, so maybe it isn't symptomatic of step-families but just families in general (some of them at least)?

I've been thinking about what you said about him being jealous of DS' real dad. I said I didn't think he was, but when we first got together he was really keen to adopt ds (impossible as he has a dad and I wouldn't change that) and to stop his real dad having contact. I know that sounds awful but his real dad wasn't acting great at the time and he has since changed his opinion, but more so I think DP has very much an 'all or nothing' attitude. I think perhaps if my ex wasn't still around then the situation would be quite different. It's as if DP holds back a bit because he can't do the full-on father-thing, as ds already has dad who is very present in his life.

It surprises me that your boyf doesn't relax more, if he has been there since you were preg and you look like a real family to others then why doesn't he go along with it and try to enjoy it?

I know what you mean about the 'normal' life thing! I've had a couple of friends get in touch over the last couple of days to try and arrange lunch/drinks but any spare evening I get without DS DP expects me to spend with him as "we get so little time together". I find I don't see friends nearly as much, it's all too difficult to arrange. I work with a group of people, none of whom have kids. They're always planning nights out etc and I do feel a pang of jealousy, and people without kids just don't 'get' it. None of my childless friends see why I can't drop everything at the last minute for a drink/lunch/weekend's partying!

Regarding moving in, I do love living with DP and feel very secure there. He doesn't really make me feel dependent on him, I think it is more to do with my own guilt. I pay him rent for my own peace of mind, although he has said I don't have to - he very much takes the 'man of the house' role but that suits me. I still work so have my own money, but still feel looked after by him which is a very nice position for me. The one thing I do wish now is that I had lived by myself for a while before I moved in. I left my ex and moved into my parents place for 2 years. My ex stayed in our old house while we tried to sell it (which took nearly 2 years) while I paid half the mortgage and rent to my parents - so financially, getting my own place would have been a struggle but I think it would have been worth it. Mainly for my own emotional benefit ? I know I can stand on my own 2 feet as a single parent, but wish I'd taken the chance to prove that to myself but mostly to everyone else! I went straight from my parents to living with DP.

Wow, I can't seem to stop when I get going ? sorry for the essay!

[Judy1234]

Interesting. I am not sure I'd go out with someone who criticised my children or my mothering of them. Another thought on this thread - I try to date only experienced fathers because they know children wake at night, children aren't mini robots, children behave as they do and teenagers too. Would it help him to spend time with other small chidlren too to see what the norm is like like cousins of the same age coming to stay etc.