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Ignorant people who gossip

(37 Posts)
needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 12:32:32

Dsd told us yesterday that her friends at school said her brothers here "Aren't her real brothers and are just her stepbrothers". She was obviously upset and bless her, she stuck up for them. But you just know that it's the mums at the school gossiping about our family! The children who said it, I can't be mad at them because they are only repeating what they have heard their mums say!!

Every time DP has been to pick dsd up from school, there is a group of mums there (dsd's friends mums) that stare and whisper. I have been in the past and I can feel them staring. Speculating about our family, probably saying those boys aren't even his and he's pushing his daughter out for "her and her kids".

They are thick if that's what they think! I have been with DP for 5 years, and have been seen there with DP since DSD started school, before our DSSs were even born!

I'm not saying stepsiblings are a bad thing and that it's something to be ashamed of. In just pissed off that they speculate when it's none of their bloody business!!

Anyone else have to put up with any similar crap for being in a second family??

SueDNim Tue 17-Jun-14 12:45:08

What relation are they? It isn't entirely clear from you post whether they are half or step siblings, given that you have been with your DP since before your sons were born (or are they step sons?).

Has your DP adopted your DD?

TheMumsRush Tue 17-Jun-14 12:46:46

Not had to deal with any of that but they sound ignorant! Aren't they half siblings? Not step, not that it maters, you are a family

MrsCakesPremonition Tue 17-Jun-14 12:50:56

Um, loads and loads of the children at our school have blended families. It is very commonplace and I can't imagine any adults bothering to make an issue of it. Children can be nosy about things that are outside their own experience, give your DD a gentle comeback she can use if the subject crops up again.

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 13:16:50

They are half siblings. Just as much as her brother is at her mum's.

MummyA1984 Tue 17-Jun-14 13:42:26

I'm surprised in this day and age any one would bat an eyelid at a blended family. Bless her, it can be confusing and stressful for all kids involved, especially when those not in the know have something to say!

BigPigLittlePig Tue 17-Jun-14 14:29:30

Ah we have had similar, not that dsd got upset, but the neighbours boys who she was playing with referred to dd as her stepsister, and dsd (bless her) got vair cross amd said "no she's my sister, I've got 2 sisters and they live in different houses". I think it is a sort of age where they become aware of the terminology and like to try it out, not sure it's a reflection of what their parents have said.

As for the cliquey glare in the playground - yep, been there, got the t-shirt (and matching accessories). It must be the pointy hat us stepmothers don wink

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 14:49:19

Pointy hat grin So thats why they like to stare... I thought it was the broomstick myself wink Probably both.

Xcountry Tue 17-Jun-14 14:56:40

Il be honest (and get shot down) and say - I find it hard explaining to my kids why some kids have different mums and dads to their brothers and sisters. They get confused between full, half and step siblings and DD1 thinks stepsiblings are like cousins (because a friend at school stays with her dad and Step family about EOW which is about as often as she stays with her cousins).

Maybe the mothers like me are just struggling to make their children understand that some people don't live with mummy and daddy and it isn't because daddy is at work (which is always their first suggestion) and sometimes they have extra mummys and daddys and my kids just don't really get it.

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 15:11:44

Xcountry no if course you're not going to get shot down! I really do understand what you are saying. Kids do get confused with how different families work I do appreciate that. But I bet most mums of those children don't talk negatively about stepfamilies. You can just tell the mums at dsd's school speculate and the children hear the negativity oozing out of them.

One mum in particular has a problem with DP and I for some unknown reason. A couple of years ago I went to pick dsd up from school, and dsd is friends with the daughter of this mum. Her daughter asked who I am, and the mum jumped in before dsd could reply "Oh that's just her stepmother. This mum is friends with the other mums that also like to stare, so you just know they all dislike me for some bizarre reason.

They probably just assume I am a home wrecking cow. hmm

Riverlea Tue 17-Jun-14 15:21:36

Personally I hate the term half. You either have brothers and sisters or don't. All my own siblings are politically "half" siblings - either from my mum or dad's side. To me they are my brothers/sisters. It used to be hard in school as some of my school friends never saw some of my siblings as they only knew my mum. But I was always adamant that they were my brothers/sisters.

My own children have half siblings too but the term is never used.

The home wrecking cow is another one that gets my goat. Just because DH was with someone else before, had kids and split up, doesn't mean I was the cause of the split. DH had split with his ex a long time before I was about. Yet, some people can't seem to see it.

Xcountry Tue 17-Jun-14 15:23:25

I see what you mean, I just hope no one takes offence at any of mine using the wrong terms for step and half siblings because it is difficult for them to understand. I have overheard DD with her friend from school asking things like why her daddy doesn't live at home with her, and we have also had a conversation about why a boy in the year below has two mummys and no daddy which was rather difficult because her understanding of biology is impeccable.

I do try and teach them about different types of family but they ask the most awful questions and when I read your post I just though I wonder if mine have offended anyone like that but I honestly cant see them meaning to, Its just curiosity. The school gate thing is a different matter though, adults are old enough to understand.

captainproton Tue 17-Jun-14 15:30:57

Not quite the same, but DH and I were at some kind of social thing, where some woman assumed DH had left his first wife for me. I was shocked she even asked, but my answer was, 'no his ex had an affair not that it's any of your business.'

I think because I am younger than DH this is the first thought I fear when people we meet for first time find out I am a step mum and DH's second wife. I don't really look like I could be DSS's mum I would have to have been 19.

wannaBe Tue 17-Jun-14 15:32:41

I think often that it is the kids playing with the terminology rather than anything the parents say specifically. I remember a few years ago we went on holiday, and ds started playing with another child, and the other boy was there with his mum and stepdad and a baby who I presume was his half brother. This boy, who was quite obviously the stepchild, then asked ds "is that your real dad?" so it's not just biological dc who ask these questions - sdc do as well. (me and xh were still together at the time).

Me and ds have had the conversation about if xh and his gf were to have another baby it would be a half sibling (although I have said that it would be a brother or sister) whereas xh's gf'd dd would only be his stepsister in the event they were married etc (they don't live together or anything currently).

How do you get on with dsd's mum? is it possible she has a close relationship with the other mums in the playground and has influenced their thinking?

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 15:34:31

I know we don't use the term "half sibling". We don't like it. They are brother and sister. My brother has a different dad biologically but my dad brought him up from being a baby so he is his dad. The term "half" doesn't even come in to it.

Riverlea Tue 17-Jun-14 15:38:25

Not quite the same, but DH and I were at some kind of social thing, where some woman assumed DH had left his first wife for me. I was shocked she even asked, but my answer was, 'no his ex had an affair not that it's any of your business.'

I think my response would have been the same. Some people can't help but be nosey, can they? It's the same when you bump in to old aquaintences and they want to know why you split up from your ex (the whole ins and outs).

Riverlea Tue 17-Jun-14 15:42:14

We've never used the term half either. My kids would look at us daft if we said "half". They are brothers/sisters. They do understand sometimes having a different mum or dad but they fully understand that without even having to use the term half.

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 15:46:41

We get on alright with dsd's mum. She is friends with the mums at school. I can't imagine she has bad mouthed us though but you never know.
I took dsd to church a couple of months ago as it is coming up to her holy communion. One of the mums was sat on the same bench, and I thought she seemed okay. When the children went off to another room I introduced myself and asked if she was X's mum. She just looked at me with a scowl and corrected me as she was actually Y's mum. Then she stormed off and sat with her friends. I thought she was bloody awful. I was just sat there on my own feeling like I had absolutely NO right to be there.

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 15:47:58

And it also pisses me off when people automatically assume us stepmums broke up the marriage.

wannaBe Tue 17-Jun-14 16:05:33

"And it also pisses me off when people automatically assume us stepmums broke up the marriage." I'm not a sm fwiw, but I have to say I am always somewhat hmm here on mn whenever someone writes about their dp's ex someone invariably always chimes in with "were you the ow?" wtf?

CailinDana Tue 17-Jun-14 16:10:08

I think you sound paranoid to be honest.

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 16:19:46

It's a "standard question" to ask a SM on here wannaBe. Even if that question is totally irrelevant.

"My DP's ex isn't happy with us giving dsd fish fingers"

"Where you the OW by any chance? She wouldn't feel that way otherwise."

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 16:21:46

I probably am a bit paranoid Cailin you're right. It's only because I care.

needaholidaynow Tue 17-Jun-14 16:22:28


MysweetAudrina Tue 17-Jun-14 16:24:40

My kids never use the term half or step about their siblings they just say brother and sister as that is what they are and how they feel about each other.

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