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DP and his divorce

(103 Posts)
Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:06:10

Ok so DP is finally filing for divorce after 5 yrs of separation which I am delighted about it all but I am annoyed she wants to keep his surname.

I know it's not really a big deal and she says she wants to have the same name as the kids.

I don't even know why but it really really bothers me. The only connection I want DP to have (and he wants) is the kids.

I know it's a bit selfish of me but is it normal to feel like this?!

MummyA1984 Tue 17-Jun-14 16:56:07

I would hate my dh ex to have what I see as "our" name so I kind of understand. However they were never married, if they had been I would have known all along she had that name and it wouldn't be my place to expect her to change it. I get where you're coming from entirely tho. Do u think u and dp will ever marry? If so you, him and you lo will all have the same name in the future.

NigellasDealer Mon 16-Jun-14 10:40:29

you want the ex to change her name?
I have heard it all now.
un - fucking - believable

Singlesuzie Mon 16-Jun-14 10:37:49

If it really bothers you, you could ask your DP to change his surname to something else. Maybe to your surname.

Singlesuzie Mon 16-Jun-14 10:31:28

But she is not going to be married to him so why keep his name?

It's her name. He doesnt own it. He didnt give it to her. She chose to change her name to [smith] so that it was the same as his and her children would have the same name as both their parents. She legally changed her name to smith. It wasnt loaned on condition of marriage to another person named smith. It is her permanent name.

WanderingAway Mon 16-Jun-14 10:25:15

I think it is more about having the same name as her dc rather than having her exHs name.

I changed my name back to my maiden name & so has my dd.

TheMumsRush Sun 15-Jun-14 08:34:03

My DH never married his ex so don't have that concern, buy if DH and I ever divorced I would not give up his name. I would also want to have the same name as my son. Thinking about it, I have the same name as her kids but she doesn't. sad

Fairylea Fri 13-Jun-14 22:31:49

I'm really genuinely surprised how many people would or have kept their married name on divorce.

I've been divorced twice. Absolutely couldn't wait to be rid of the name. Didn't even think twice about it to be honest, just wanted rid of it and went and got a bunch of photocopies of the divorce papers and went round everywhere to sort it out. I found it relatively easy really.

I am now remarried (love marriage me - smile !) And I have two children with different surnames. The youngest has the same surname as me as I am now married to his dad. It doesn't bother any of us in the slightest and has never been an issue.

Op I totally understand how you feel.

BruthasTortoise Fri 13-Jun-14 22:19:09

My DHs ex had a fit when we got married and I changed my name despite the fact that she had reverted to her maiden name as soon as they split. She felt that it was excluding her from the DC lives as she was the only one with a different surname. She's quite a strange woman though.

VodkaJelly Fri 13-Jun-14 21:19:41

I have been divorced for 15 years and still have my EXH surname. Not because I still love him and want him back so keeping hold of the name like an eternal flame of hope - but because I am bloody lazy and changing name is a real bloody faff. I left him and most definatley do not want to get back with him

I never knew until I joined MN that there was an issue with divorced women keeping their surname and tonight on this thread I have just learnt that there is an issues with divorced women calling themself Mrs.

I call myself Mrs EXH surname and I didnt give a frig what anybody else thinks of it. I have the same surname as my 2 older kids and I like that. My younger 2 kids have DP's surname as he is their dad.

I dont know if EXH's new DP likes the fact that I have kept the surname, I dont really care to be honest. My DP has never been married but if he was divorced I wouldnt give it a second thought about his ex and which surname she is using.

thebluehen Mon 09-Jun-14 15:32:36

I have kept my married name after splitting with ex h 12 years ago!

It's my ds name and mine. Exh just happens to have the same name wink

NiceAndAccurate Mon 09-Jun-14 13:54:53

I kept my ex's name for several years after divorce. Nothing to do with not wanting to move on, plenty to do with having so much other stuff to deal with that it was a complete non-issue for me.

When we divorced, I gradually reverted back. Some things are probably still in my married name. I don't really care.

The bit that I failed to understand was the desire by the OW to have his name as quickly as possible. They married very shortly after ex and I divorced and all I could think was that in her situation I would have kept my name. (I wanted to originally, but compromised because it upset ex - should've known!)

I'll be marrying my DP soon. Second marriage for both of us. Neither of us will be changing our names.

possiblyprecious Sun 08-Jun-14 12:03:36

I have some similar issues myself. Except that I don't think my DP will probably ever file for divorce. I see his wife on Facebook frequently and it grates that she has his name.

I will say though that I'm finding it less awful than I expected that my DD (to my DP) has his name not mine.

I haven't resolved my issues within myself yet, but I advise you to try and let it go, at least outwardly, as no good will come of making an issue out of it.

MsColouring Sun 08-Jun-14 08:20:21

I got my divorce this week and am not changing my name right now for the following reasons:

I am getting married next year so it will change then anyway.
I can't be doing with the hassle of changing my name on everything.
To change back to my maiden name would be like going back in time - that's not who I am any more.
Initially I kept my name to be the same as my kids.

I am Ms not Mrs. (I cringe when I'm called Mrs.)

No point on dwelling on the fact my dp's ex still has his name. There are bigger things to worry about.

MuttonCadet Sat 07-Jun-14 12:13:42

When DH and I got married we used my maiden name and his surname, so the names aren't the same.

(Ex changed hers back by deed poll anyway, but it wouldn't have made a difference).

shey02 as a mother who has never had the same surname as her DCs I would have to disagree that it's any hassle, it isn't, not at all. I can see why those who had chosen to have the same surname as their DCs would want to keep it though.

MirandaWest Sat 07-Jun-14 12:02:58

I'm divorced and called Mrs. I don't like Ms so it's not what I call myself.
Am pretty sure that when XH and his girlfriend get married that she won't change her surname so I'm not taking her place I don't think smile

Happybeard Sat 07-Jun-14 11:53:50

Oh and there's the career aspect that I don't know if anyone's mentioned? If you've become well known in your field or even may have your name tied up in a business name or something then you would be wise to keep it.

Happybeard Sat 07-Jun-14 11:49:37

I understand both sides. I hate dps ex still having his name. But I like the fact that my mum still has my dad's name after 15 years of divorce as it means she is the same as my sister and I (although I've changed mine now as got married). She was devastated by the divorce and being stripped of the name she'd has for 25 years would have been heartbreaking.
What I don't understand though is why ex had to refer to herself as "Mrs" hmm I hate that. Ms would surely be more appropriate.

shey02 Sat 07-Jun-14 10:33:17

Agree with PP, it's what most divorced women do. We keep our married name as it is the same as our childrens. That is important to us, them and totally normal. How awkward for school issues and when travelling and at the doctors, etc. etc. etc. if you have to keep correcting people, actuall it's Mrs.... Actually they are my children, No, I am their mother......

zipzap Fri 06-Jun-14 14:25:43

I know someone who was going to be second wife but had same first name as wife one, so was v worried about becoming 'Anne 2' (not real name).

The dh solved it by changing his surname - dropped it and used his middle name as a surname (luckily it was one that worked well as either). He did it by deed poll on the morning of the wedding so his new wife automatically became Mrs middlename. Obviously they had discussed and decided on all this in advance but decided not to tell anyone so they found out at the wedding when the groom said 'do you mr xxx middlename take miss yyy zzz to be your wife'

Lots of people thought it was lovely they had chosen their surname together and were both starting with a new name. The dad however was furious as he took it as a personal insult to his family name and felt betrayed - even more so because he found out when everyone else did, which must have made for an unexpected atmosphere at the reception!

rosepetalsoup Fri 06-Jun-14 11:13:53

p.s. Also this will change if the ex gets a new partner. I was so stressed that my DP's exW was still 'Mrs', but as soon as she started dating she quickly shifted it to Ms!!!

rosepetalsoup Fri 06-Jun-14 11:11:40

Hi OP,

I can completely relate - I remember being so wound up that my DH's ex had kept his surname. I knew it wasn't rational, but I think I wished she wanted to get rid of it (like some of the posters on here who can't wait to be shot of the ex's surname). For me that would have seemed 100% proof she wanted to move on (btw she left him, and only switched to his name during the breakup). Also there was a moment of grief realising the fresh, fun decision over names was not there for us because it was a second marriage. I felt like the black sheep of an existing, intact family (albeit who hated each other and lived in different houses). I kept my surname and gave our DC my surname too.

Several years later I'm very happy. I feel like me and my DC with our name are the family majority (in our dat-to-day home) and DH joins in too. Over the years I have realised actually that I don't want to be connected to Dh's broader family by surname as many of them aren't that nice.

I think your feelings are being motivated by the chaos of divorce and the anxiety that the negotiations aren't yet over. Probably some base part of you worries that the ExW won't properly split, that you and your DP won't really be free to have a new life. But they really will be properly divorced, and then you can marry him if you want!

Hang in there, these things do get much better with time. Be strong! Lead a new family unit rather than joining an old one. xx

yoyo27 Fri 06-Jun-14 09:48:21

I was married for a long time, and would've kept my surname when we divorced, to be the same as my four children with him.

However, when I was pregnant with my fiance's baby, the baby would've been referred to as 'Baby (ex husbands surname)' so I actually changed my surname. So my fiancé and I have the same surname, but aren't married, with two children with the same surname as us. My older children have their dad's surname ( but actually want to change it when they're old enough)

brdgrl Fri 06-Jun-14 09:14:31

Yes, that is odd then, Hobin.
We have three different surnames between us all, and it has never been a problem with schools, travel, etc. The kids are all proud of their individual name!

NickiFury Fri 06-Jun-14 09:13:06

But ONLY if real dad wasn't involved.

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