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DP and his divorce

(103 Posts)
Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 19:06:10

Ok so DP is finally filing for divorce after 5 yrs of separation which I am delighted about it all but I am annoyed she wants to keep his surname.

I know it's not really a big deal and she says she wants to have the same name as the kids.

I don't even know why but it really really bothers me. The only connection I want DP to have (and he wants) is the kids.

I know it's a bit selfish of me but is it normal to feel like this?!

ZenNudist Thu 05-Jun-14 20:00:25

It's normal for divorced women to keep their married name. It's petty of you to be annoyed by this. Is there a back story to why you're so paranoid? Trust issues?

RandomMess Thu 05-Jun-14 20:01:52

I kept my married name when I divorced! Why wouldn't I???? My ex was horrible, and my dds dad I couldn't write him out of my life...

Besides anything else I don't think I could be bothered with the hassle.

Tappergirl Thu 05-Jun-14 20:02:43

Get used to it. Unless she remarries, it is such a hassle to change your name - bills etc. it's not a big deal, put yourself in her shoes, would you change your name back to your maiden name??

expatinscotland Thu 05-Jun-14 20:02:48

It's her name, too. I don't blame her one bit. I'd do the same.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 20:03:44

I don't even know eh it annoys me so much. I know it really shouldn't . I don't have any trust issues at all. I love DP so much and I know he does me too, I know I really new to just get over this - Jim more frustrated now that it's annoying me so damn much- there really is no need!!

MirandaWest Thu 05-Jun-14 20:05:12

I've just got divorced and tbh I wouldn't have taken kindly my XHs girlfriend suggesting I should change my name. It's my name, I've had it for nearly 15 years and I didn't want to change it. Partly because of having the same surname as the children but partly because it's my name and I'm used to it smile

wannaBe Thu 05-Jun-14 20:06:05

I don't get why you are in the slightest bit concerned about what your dp's ex does with her name.

did you also expect her to e.g. give back her wedding ring? The name is hers - by law - and that of her children, why should she change it?

I am divorced and I wouldn't even consider changing back my name because it's ds's name also. If I remarried I would change it then but not before.

You do sound very insecure about your relationship to be getting worked up over something so incredibly trivial.

Incidentally, why did he wait five years to get divorced - did she prevent it?

OneStepCloser Thu 05-Jun-14 20:08:26

You could always call yourself 'The Current Mrs xxxx' grin

Seriously, you really need to try not to let it get to you, there is always going to be a connection between her and your dp because of the children, as long as you feel secure with him it's a minor detail really.

TheFallenMadonna Thu 05-Jun-14 20:08:28

It's her name.

My mum remarried this year. She has kept the surname that she has had for 38 years, that became her name when she married my dad.

Softlysoftlycatchymonkey Thu 05-Jun-14 20:09:15

God I would change my name back ! Seems like clinging on to the past ! Wonder is she is still calling herself 'Mrs'.

Mil has kept her name - the ex husband who beat her, broke her arm,shagged everything that would stay still long enough, absolute bastard of a man, but the thought of people thinking she was never married- bothers her confused

balenciaga Thu 05-Jun-14 20:09:19

I'd be the same op

Tbh perhaps I'm sheltered but I'm surprised at the amount of women on this thread alone that have kept their married name, each to their own and that but personally after my short lived farce of a first marriage I couldn't wait to get rid of exes name! It didn't bother me one bit not having same name as my ds it was the connection to ex I wanted shot of grin

Also dh was married before too and his ex has changed hers back. straight away too iirc

There's nothing you can do about it though unfortunately but like I say it would wind me up too

TortoiseUpATreeAgain Thu 05-Jun-14 20:09:28

It's her name now -- taken on under different circumstances so that it would be the same as his, sure, but it's still hers.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 20:09:44

I'm not insecure. Just highly strung at the moment.

Affordability was the main reason.

I thought (naively ) that if you get divorced your name would/should automatically change back since you are no longer legally tied. Anyway , after reading these posts I'm thinking I am being totally unreasonable. So just going to get on with it. Me feelin like this won't change anything anyway.

OneStepCloser Thu 05-Jun-14 20:10:32

Shit, didn't mean current as such, the new is probably better, gah, when trying to be 'light' backfires, sorry!

hesterton Thu 05-Jun-14 20:10:44

Not being sarcastic. I'm usually not rude here and I was then and I am sorry.

I think your post made me feel like exwives are supposed to pretend all the years they had with exh are supposed to be wiped out, negated. You can't do that.

You still share an important part of his past with him especially when dc are the evidence.

SongsAboutB Thu 05-Jun-14 20:11:26

I think you are a bit over involved with her, you shouldn't allow your happiness to be reliant on her actions, or lack of actions in this case. Focus on your own life and the things that make you happy that you can control. Her personal choices are really none of your business.

Her name is her choice, she almost certainly hasn't given any thought as to what you think on this matter, and nor should she.

Bonsoir Thu 05-Jun-14 20:11:45

My DP's exW used her maiden name almost exclusively when she was married to DP. On divorce she requested the right to continue to use his surname and had used it almost exclusively ever since confused. She has a long-term partner with whom she lives confused confused.

hesterton Thu 05-Jun-14 20:12:43

But you know you don't have to marry him to change your name to his if that's what you want.

MaryWestmacott Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:03

OP - it's her name now, I know to you it's 'his' but she changed her name on marriage, how long were they married? I got married at 28 years old, I graduated at 22 so I had 6 years of my career as my maiden name, however I've had far more years working as my married name. I've just become a SAHM so it does'nt really matter, but the number of people who know me with my maiden name in a work or social situation are very few and far between these days.

I don't think of myself as my maiden name anymore, I think of myself as my married name, it's not DH's name, it's mine.

Is it a completely unusual name? I can see why that might be harder to deal with, but chances are there's several "Mrs [DP's surname]" in your town anyway.

It is a connection between them, but your DP was married to her, they have DCs together, they are connected. She will always be his ex-wife. She will always be his children's other parent. She will always be the person he shared years of his life with, you will have to find away to accept that.

Watercolourfootballs Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:17

We got married comparatively young. I've been called my married name almost as long as my maiden one now. It isn't just my DH's name, it's my name and part of my identity.

Heaven forbid my lovely DH and I got divorced I wouldn't for a moment consider changing it.

You do realise you are effectively trying to wipe her existence out.

You can't. She will always have been first wife with all that entails. You have to accept that he wants to be with you now and let that be enough.

I don't want to be rude but you are being incredibly unreasonable you know...

hesterton Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:19

But you know you don't have to marry him to change your name to his if that's what you want.

NickiFury Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:41

I kept my married name because once I had children that was their name and I wish to remain connected to them, they are my family and that is our family name. It's got jack all to do with wishing to retain any connection to him.

I hope that helps you see what is probably going through her mind. It's nothing to do with him at all.

Alibally28 Thu 05-Jun-14 20:13:41

Hesterton - thank you. I see where you are coming from.

Well the thread certainly gives me food for thought xx

TheFallenMadonna Thu 05-Jun-14 20:15:06

Good Lord. I find it outrageous to suggest that a woman should be compelled to change her name if her husband decides he no longer wants to be married to her... Seriously, my mum was MrsSurname for over half her life. She has to change it because she and my dad are (amicably) divorced? Her new husband has no problem with her still having the same surname as her ex husband. He's a sensible man.

basgetti Thu 05-Jun-14 20:15:42

I thought (naively ) that if you get divorced your name would/should automatically change back since you are no longer legally tied.

But that implies that a woman's name and identity is only linked to her marital status and is at the whim of a husband staying married to her. In reality it becomes her name too, especially when children are involved. So why should she lose it just because her marriage fails?

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