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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

DP and his divorce

102 replies

Alibally28 · 05/06/2014 19:06

Ok so DP is finally filing for divorce after 5 yrs of separation which I am delighted about it all but I am annoyed she wants to keep his surname.

I know it's not really a big deal and she says she wants to have the same name as the kids.

I don't even know why but it really really bothers me. The only connection I want DP to have (and he wants) is the kids.

I know it's a bit selfish of me but is it normal to feel like this?!

OP posts:

Report

gingermopped · 05/06/2014 19:17

U can understand both sides!

my dp is mid divorce (separated 6yrs) she kept his name, we hav a baby on way and I hate the thought of her having same surname as my child but I don't!

VanitasVanitatum · 05/06/2014 19:24

It would be completely unreasonable to expect her to change her surname to a different name than that of her children.

ginger why don't you use your surname for your dc, or double barrel.

Alibally28 · 05/06/2014 19:25

I never thought of that. Now I'm even more wound up. Lol.

It doesn't seem to bother him though. So I don't know why it's bothering me so much.

OP posts:

Kaluki · 05/06/2014 19:26

On the flip side this is why I don't want to marry DP. I don't want the same name as his ex and I don't want me DP and DSC to have the same name and my DC to be the odd ones out!
I can see both sides because if my ex and I had married I think I would have kept my married name for the dc too.

Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 05/06/2014 19:27

The name your DHs ex uses is none of your business. And anyway, unless its a really unusual name she's unlikely to be the only Mrs xxx around.
YABVU

basgetti · 05/06/2014 19:29

Surely you must have known she would keep his name if she hadn't yet reverted to her maiden name after being separated for 5 years?

Ginger give the baby your name. I never understand women just accepting they have to have a different name to their children.

Whatever21 · 05/06/2014 19:36

Grow up - truly pathetic.

Do you know the hassle it takes to change your name, let alone travelling with a child with a different name. I was married for 18 yrs - I can not be arsed to change my name again.

Absolutely none of your business what she does with her name.

Alibally28 · 05/06/2014 19:40

But she is not going to be married to him so why keep his name?

It doesn't help that I don't particularly like her.

It's a silly thing I know but I don't think I am being 'very' unreasonable.

I just don't fully understand why she would want to keep his name. I think she always hoped he would go back to her.

Also I am not stupid- I know she will not be the only 'mrs DP' around. But DP is not her hubby anymore.

OP posts:

riverboat1 · 05/06/2014 19:43

Try to just see the name as a meaningless label. And it really is, the whole concept of women taking men's surnames is ridiculous and sexist anyway. It's unfortunate that it's just more practical for both parents to have the same surname as their children, for travelling purposes etc.

I get where you're coming from, but I doubt anyone around you will be thinking about it or attaching even a 10th of as much significance to it as you.

hesterton · 05/06/2014 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alibally28 · 05/06/2014 19:46

Thanks riverboat - I know it's silly to let it bother me and on the gran scheme of the divorce if that's the worst thing then I guess it's a good day.

I just don't think I would keeping ex's name but I appreciate it's different when kids are involved - I just need to get my head round the issues I have with it.

OP posts:

Alibally28 · 05/06/2014 19:50

I have already agreed it is silly of me to be annoyed by it- why are you calling me childish and not a grown up- just because I don't think like you or have the same experiences as others. I thought mumsnet was a place to vent or look for advice/ reassurance? I don't need to be put down by someone I don't even know.

OP posts:

Hup · 05/06/2014 19:53

He may very well go back to her if you continue to be so petty! I still have ex DH's name and would find it very odd that a new partner would have issues with this. Do you spend time with his children? Are you this precious with them?

hesterton · 05/06/2014 19:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marnierose · 05/06/2014 19:55

Well my parents are divorced and my mum kept HER name. Why should she change it? It's part of her identity.

None of your reasons are valid in my opinion and it makes you sound a bit insecure about your relationship.

Standinginline · 05/06/2014 19:55

Partners ex has done the same. It's been her surname though since she was 18 (she's 35 now ) so anything she's ever done has been in that name (mortgage ,driving license etc...). All her kids have the same surname (including the ones she had after she split from partner but aren't his ). My kids have his surname ,I don't ,but doesn't really bother me. Never really thought about tbh.

doziedoozie · 05/06/2014 19:56

I've been married for years. If I divorced I wouldn't go back to Miss maiden name, it would look like I had never married and that I thus didn't have DCs. Very strange idea, I would def keep exDH's name, the same as my DCs.

So you are being unreasonable imo.

Don't you have sisters in law with your surname (ie DH's) - I have a sister in law with the exact same name as me. That's life.

Viviennemary · 05/06/2014 19:56

I can see why you're annoyed. For myself I certainly wouldn't want to keep a surname after I divorced even though it would be easier to have the same name as the DC's. But you should keep out of this one.

doziedoozie · 05/06/2014 19:58

Not saying that single women can't have children, just that having been a married-with-children one for years I wouldn't be happy to change to a single person identity again unless it suited me for some reason

Alibally28 · 05/06/2014 19:58

I spend a lot of time with the kids actually and I care about them very much but this post isn't about my relationship with his kids.

Hesterton- I don't know if you are being sarcastic or not!

OP posts:

TheHouseatWhoCorner · 05/06/2014 19:58

Its not his name, it's her name. Why should she change her name if she doesn't want to?

MrsDiesel · 05/06/2014 19:59

I have kept my ex husbands name. I like it, it is the same ad my children and if it annoys his new girlfriend then well so much the better

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meditrina · 05/06/2014 19:59

It really helps if you choose a permanent surname in early adulthood - either with first career or first marriage.

She chose her adult name. Her choice. Leave her to it.

ZenNudist · 05/06/2014 20:00

It's normal for divorced women to keep their married name. It's petty of you to be annoyed by this. Is there a back story to why you're so paranoid? Trust issues?

ZenNudist · 05/06/2014 20:00

It's normal for divorced women to keep their married name. It's petty of you to be annoyed by this. Is there a back story to why you're so paranoid? Trust issues?

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