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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Step-parenting

Guilt trip

20 replies

TheMumsRush · 03/06/2014 11:22

I planned a weekend away for me, ds and DH. DH has guilted me into dsc coming. We have plenty of trips with the dsc, in fact this was the first one without them. It's not our contact weekend and they will have to have time off school to come. I just know i will end up looking after dsd while DH and dss go off doing father son stuff. And I'll be picking up after them all. Aibu to feel like this? Should I never expect a trip with just DH and ds? Or is it a case of "I knew what I was getting into".

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HobinRood · 03/06/2014 11:44

You are absolutely allowed and entitled to some time alone with your DH. Why does he want the dsc to come along - especially taking time out of school?

If he insists that they are coming then I'd be making it perfectly clear that all the picking up and entertaining the DSC is down to him as it's he who is so adamant that they come.

I hate that cliché of "you know what you were getting in to." Believe me when I say I didn't know all what I was getting in to when I married a man with children.

Every parent deserves some quality time - despite what people seem to think, being a step parent doesn't make you exempt from that.

TheMumsRush · 03/06/2014 11:52

He said ds would love it, dsc would love it and he would love it. But I will make it clear about all chipping in! Last time the dsc got into a
major strop when asked to wash up. It all had to be don't again by DH. Personally I would have made them do it again otherwise what do they learn

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TheMumsRush · 03/06/2014 11:54

I guess I don't really mind, I just didn't want the extra work.

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HumphreyCobbler · 03/06/2014 11:55

parents who are not step parents often go away without their children, and no one thinks the worse of them. Why SHOULDN'T you have one child free break?

HobinRood · 03/06/2014 11:59

Yeah I think before you all set off you should all sit and discuss ground rules about what you expect when away and work from that. As long as you and DH are on the same page with what is expected then it should be ok.

TheMumsRush · 03/06/2014 12:02

Yes honin, defo ground rules as it's
My break to!

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lunar1 · 03/06/2014 12:20

If it was just this I would say your dh is just treating his children the same. I wouldn't go away with dh and just one of our boys and I would suggest that you tell your dh that you just want a single weekend away with just your ds.

However you dh seems to be constantly making your life harder. Why on earth would you be running round after them all. I'm guessing you knew having step children would be hard but never imagined that it would be your partner that made it hard.

You are a person and your entire life does not have to be a compromise, I think your husband needs it spelling out to him.

EvilStepMam · 03/06/2014 12:35

I've held off from posting about this myself for fear of a flaming.

We moved last year, Dh, Dd2 and I. Dsd came down the weekend we moved and the following 6 weekends (Dh was still working in home town 200 miles away, only home at weekends). Only room in van for 1 passenger, no invite extended to Dd1.

Dsd has been down for every school holiday since then (she in 6th form).

Dd1 is in 3rd year at uni so doesn't get half terms, easter hols she was revising, spent a couple of days with her whenwe collected Dsd and again when dropping her off.

Fast forward to summer hols, Dd1 has booked some time off work and will be coming down for 2 weeks.
Dh has now invited Dsd for the same two weeks or longer if she wants.

I was really looking forward to spending time with both my girls, Dsd doesn't share the same interests as us, also we are vegetarians, she will not look at a vegetable other than a chip, I feel Dd1's stay will be centred around ensuring Dsd doesn't feel left out and not being able to do the things we/she enjoys.

Also Dd2 is 4 so still in a car seat, Dd1 and Dsd are going to feel really squashed for 200 miles in the car.

I know this is a very indulgent, whingeing post, I'm just pissed off at what I see as Dd1's holiday being hijacked.

wheresthelight · 03/06/2014 20:32

mumsrush you are completely entitled to your own family time without dsc's invading it! I make sure that dd and I get time with dp and go out for our own family days without dsc's every month. I think your dh is being incredibly selfish!! If he wants alone time with his older children then he needs to arrange that.

Has he thought that he will cause both himself and his ex to be fined for taking them out of school?! If you remind him of that and the fact that his ex (and quite rightly so) will probably expect him to pick up the cost of her fine as it isn't her taking them out of school, so that would be £120 per week per child, so a total of £240 on top of your holiday cost and normal expenses. Perhaps that might sway him

Ziplex · 03/06/2014 20:37

I'd be fed up, as the others have said you are entitled to time out from step-children.
I from day one told my DH that the sc wouldn't be involved or invited to everything the same as my own ds.
In blended families it is of utmost importance that your (you and dh) relationship is rock solid and that means spending couple time, dates.
Also having time for joint children without sc.

TheMumsRush · 03/06/2014 23:21

He dose understand, and if I had really put my foot down it would be just ds, DH and I. Mum said they would only get an absence against them and that the schools can't refuse. DH did ask first if it was doable and was quite ready for the no.

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TheMumsRush · 04/06/2014 00:21

Had a bit if an argument, he's claiming I was ok with it and I shouldn't have bought it up. I don't want to go anyway so I won't.

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wheresthelight · 04/06/2014 00:26

The schools can refuse it! Exceptional circumstances only these days!!

I don't understand the last bit though hun

TheMumsRush · 04/06/2014 00:36

When he first asked what I thought about them coming I made it clear. He then started with the "but dsc will love it" buy I said no. Then it was he would love it and ds would too. I wavered but went back to no.

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TheMumsRush · 04/06/2014 00:39

I gave in. And when it was bought up today (and it wasn't my first choice) he said I had agreed from the off.

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TheMumsRush · 04/06/2014 00:42

Well their mum said the school can't. ,I don't know as I don't have children in school. I know if there's a fine DH will happily pay.

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TheMumsRush · 04/06/2014 00:46

I will go, for my son. He will love it

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wheresthelight · 04/06/2014 10:03

Sounds like rock amd hard place! Why do men always have such bloody selective memories when they are in the wrong and yet perfect ones when we do something wrong?!

HobinRood · 04/06/2014 10:54

Why do men always have such bloody selective memories when they are in the wrong and yet perfect ones when we do something wrong?!

I think selective memory goes along hand in hand with selective hearing too...well in my case half the time.

wheresthelight · 04/06/2014 17:31

Oh yes!! Definitely!!

And selective housework! Where they say "Ohh but looking after babywheres is a full time job so we will do the housework together when I am on a day off" and that help ends up being them taking a few bits out to the garage and emptying the bin and then they conviently vanish

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