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School runs. Can't be in 2 places at once.

(158 Posts)
needaholidaynow Tue 13-May-14 23:18:41

Not looking forward to DP putting this to his ex, but...

DP has been offered a job, and we are absolutely ecstatic as he has been unemployed for a while now. Best news we've had for a while!

DS1 has started nursery recently and he has settled in really well. He absolutely loves it. It is also a very special time for me as I enjoy taking him and picking him up. He finishes at 3:30 every day.

DP has DSD 3/4 nights a week, which involves school pick ups. DP has obviously been Picking her up and taking her on his days and I have done it on a few occasions, but can't for him now as I have to pick DS1 up.

DP's job means that he will not be able to do any school runs at all. His ex works 9-3 everyday, so whilst she cannot take DSD to school she is available to pick her up as school finishes at 3:30. She manages to get there on her days, so would DP be unreasonable to ask her to pick DSD up on his days as well, meaning every day she will have to do it? I don't think it is fair or reasonable to expect me to do it as I an not available due to picking DS1 up.

The nursery is about 20 mins away by foot from DSD's school. There is no other nursery nearby the school, and plus the nursery is nearby to us so it made sense that he goes there. I can't be in 2 places at once and seeing as both DS and DSD finish at 3:30 what can I possibly do? I can take DSD to school no problem, it's just the picking up that I can't do.

I could pick DSD up from her mum's on my way home from picking DS up. It makes financial sense for DP to take this job. It will benefit the children and surely that's a good thing?

I'm just waiting for the "Needaholiday should have to do it" "Nursery education isn't compulsory" "can't she get her dad to pick DS up while she goes for DSD?" (bearing in mind my dad works) from ILs and possibly DP's ex.

needaholidaynow Sat 17-May-14 09:46:44

I'm not sure Inertia, it's something he will have to find out. He will be training so they might be a bit strict for the first couple of months.

Inertia Sat 17-May-14 08:58:53

I agree that your DP needs to have the conversation about holiday care arrangements soon, so that DSD's mum can book holiday clubs etc. Will DP even be entitled to any holiday time so soon after starting the job ?

Inertia Sat 17-May-14 08:58:27

I agree that your DP needs to have the conversation about holiday care arrangements soon, so that DSD's mum can book holiday clubs etc. Will DP even be entitled to any holiday time so soon after starting the job ?

needaholidaynow Fri 16-May-14 13:45:06

Yes I think it's best to let her know now regarding summer holidays. Usually during the summer holidays because its so long, they do the one week with mum, one week with dad arrangement. Easter and Christmas holidays are obviously a little bit different and more flexible due to DP and his ex obviously wanting their daughter with them for Christmas and Easter, but DSD generally doesn't spend one week here one week at her mum's during those holidays as well as the normal half terms in February, May and October.

So summer holidays would be fairly easy for her to arrange childcare in weekly blocks eery other week rather than the odd day here and there. It's just the other holidays throughout the year that it might end up being 2 days at kids club, 3 days at our house, etc..

purpleroses Fri 16-May-14 13:20:24

Sounds like your DP handled it well.

I would tell the ex ASAP about no longer being able to cover her days in the summer. Don't know what it's like where you live, but here there are lots of holiday clubs, activities, etc for DCs to do in the summer. Your DSD is a good age for them and would probably enjoy them. Presumably some of the summer will be covered anyway with family holidays? A lot of people split summers up into whole weeks with either parent - rather than chop each week in half. It tends to be much easier to book holiday clubs in whole weeks (as some only run that way) rather than trying to get childcare for 2 days per week. So you might want to think about whether you'd be prepared to do that.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 16-May-14 11:43:29

Do tell ex ASAP about summer holidays as she may need to book the clubs now.

Peacesword Fri 16-May-14 11:33:23

Oh .... something got missed in the middle!! Having someone to help pick dd up at the end of the holiday club is really helpful is what it's meant to read.

Peacesword Fri 16-May-14 11:31:47

I get that you might feel like that. There are lots of options available in the summer holidays, so your dp isn't the only option while your dsd's mum works.

I run into problems with dd as generally the holiday clubs start later and finish earlier than the term time providers do. Having someone to A I have a bf (don't live together) now and he will help out with things like that, but if xh and his gf were more amenable and I had no-one else, it might be something that I would ask xh or his gf to help with. After all, if I can work more hours, and have a better income, it's better for dd.

needaholidaynow Fri 16-May-14 11:19:35

This coming half term won't be a problem as DP will still be off, it's the summer holidays onwards that arrangements will need to be made.

needaholidaynow Fri 16-May-14 11:17:27

Yeah just the days that she should be with her mum. Now that DP is working he isn't here to look after his daughter, so I will be doing all of that for him which I don't mind as she is his daughter after all and therefore part of the family. But what I'm not happy with is the possibility of the same routine happening during the holidays whereby DSD comes here for the majority of the time and I am left to look after her, provide for her, plan everyday around this commitment etc...

It would just fill me with resentment to be honest at being used like that.

It's definitely another conversation he needs to have with her as this routine has been standing for a while now and obviously it should change now.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Fri 16-May-14 11:14:02

I think it's perfectly fair for her to sort "holiday clubs" on her own days. Or a different arrangement in the holidays might suit both - one week on one week off rather than split days.

Peacesword Fri 16-May-14 11:07:43

I think how the two parents cover school holidays now that your dp is working is something else they will need to discuss. I suppose as he is now working she will be getting more maintenance, so it wouldn't necessarily impact on her financially if she has to pay for holiday clubs during her time.

It might be though that between them they can work out their annual leave and how holidays are going to be covered.

Is it just the days she would normally be with her mum that you're not keen on helping with?

needaholidaynow Fri 16-May-14 10:58:02

He spoke to her about last night, and she said she doesn't want to commit to the extra school runs each week, which is fair enough. He said that she is welcome to do it but our plan is to pay for after school care if not.

gamerchick Fri 16-May-14 10:47:35

Has he actually broached this subject with his ex yet? you may just be overthinking it and annoying yourself for no reason.

needaholidaynow Fri 16-May-14 10:45:20

This thread has got me thinking about school holidays and the fact that DP will now be working.

Whilst DP has been off he has had DSD on her mum's days whilst she has been at work, and then her mum has picked her up on her way up from work.

I was just thinking, I don't really want to be a babysitter for DSD's mum so that she doesn't have to pay for childcare. I really don't mind picking DsD up from school on DP's days, but I'm not prepared to be subject to any double standards and if the rigid routine has to apply on our part then it should on hers as well.

She should sort her own childcare out on her days.

swissfamily Fri 16-May-14 09:17:45

Haven't got time to read the whole post but I've been there. When DS started school we sent him to a different one that DSD was at. They started finished at the same time...

We used after school clubs; they took it in turns (DH had 50:50 week on week off contact at the time). So....and we were lucky the schools let us do this; every other week DSD did M-W-F at breakfast club while DS did T-Th and DSD did T-Th at after school club while DS did M-W-F.

It didn't cost a fortune (breakfast club was £1 with breakfast included!) and kind of worked OK-ish. Not ideal for the kids but not awful either.

I hated it and ended up feeling really resentful of the amount of running around I was doing for DSD. It lasted two years before I insisted DH make some changes to his working hours!

Peacesword Fri 16-May-14 08:16:38

Good call. I agree Mary's suggestion is really sensible.

shoppingfrenzy Thu 15-May-14 07:45:50

Mary is right I think. If you have options for childcare all mapped out when youvspeak to DP's ex, it will come across much more as giving her the option, first refusal, rather than making a demand.

shoppingfrenzy Thu 15-May-14 07:45:31

Mary is right I think. If you have options for childcare all mapped out when youvspeak to DP's ex, it will come across much more as giving her the option, first refusal, rather than making a demand.

MaryWestmacott Wed 14-May-14 19:13:09

That sounds like a good decision made! I would explore child care options (prices, if there's spaces etc) before talking to exp because if she asks what the alternative is, you can have an informed discussion about the actual options.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 14-May-14 18:03:09

Glad you are making progress!

needaholidaynow Wed 14-May-14 17:31:52

I've decided I definitely won't be picking DS up early anyway. Why should he miss out?

After school club, CM or an extra curricular activity is the way to go!

SpottieDottie Wed 14-May-14 17:27:52

Yes, I realise that. However, if for some reason they were at different schools presumably she'd use the after school club. I think that is the solution in this case really, it's her DP's responsibility to collect his DSD and if he can't because he is working then he needs to sort out the after school club or a child minder?

needaholidaynow Wed 14-May-14 17:27:16

TheDoctrine That is precisely what we have done as a family. We discussed. DP intends to talk to his ex about the fact that he will be working soon (doesn't start until 2nd June), and will talk to her about the potential arrangements, also letting her know that she is more than welcome to pick DSD up if she wants to.

If she can't or won't, then that's fine. If she chooses to, then that is not necessarily a bad thing seeing as she is her parent. I wouldn't ever see her as being used to run our errands at all.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 14-May-14 17:13:53

If they were still together, the ex would have been involved in the discussion about whether DP should take the job, if he should ask for flexible working on certain days whether it would be good for DSD to go to a CM a couple of evenings so ex could catch up at work or home etc. If DH or I are contemplating taking on work, we absolutely discuss how that might work for us as a family.

Plus no-one would have to be in two places at once.

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