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Wondering how prawny is

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TheMumsRush Sat 10-May-14 20:27:46

That's it really

brdgrl Sat 10-May-14 20:54:51

Funny, I was just thinking the same thing. Prawny, if you feel like giving an update, please do. And if you don't, well, stay strong.

prawnypoos Sat 10-May-14 23:26:10

Thank you for asking after me. We had a discussion last night, a proper discussion at that. It's the first time I haven't been made to feel like the 'little woman' by DP.

We are having a trial separation and he slept on the sofa last night. I told him about the strangling and me smacking DSD, he backed me up and said that he would've probably done the same in that position.
Anyway he said that he was trying to make light of the situation when he made the 'tits and a slit' comment but said that on reflection he can see how it has been construed.

He was genuinely very upset last night. But like I said in the thread yesterday 'you never know what you got till its gone'.

I don't think I can even be arsed with the hole situation anymore. It's not just DP, it's his family and everyone knowing everyone else's business and having to put their unwanted two penneth in. It's the fact that I can't relax in the house that I live in, or the fact that I can't have a set routine for my DD because my MIL thinks that its ok to undermine me!

He is sleeping on the sofa. I thought that I would be the one that had to sleep on the sofa if I'm honest. DSD is here until Thursday night but I'm going to try and get into new house before then so that DP can take some of the responsibility and slack.

prawnypoos Sat 10-May-14 23:34:10

Sorry I didn't post sooner. I feel so much more in control of everything now. I think I need to get some self esteem back and focus on my DD.

He telly is devastated, I've never seen him cry before. I know he loves me and I love him too but he needs to reflection his behaviour and attitudes to women. He has 2 daughters and I know he would tell them to settle for nothing less that to be respected, loved and cared for - the former and the latter of which our own relationship has completely lacked.

As for the lap dancers he said that he was very unhappy with his ex for a long time before they split up (DSD hadn't been born) he said that he wasn't proud of what he had done but the dance had been bought for him and he didn't feel anything for his ex at the time.

alita7 Sun 11-May-14 00:00:59

Well I'm glad your discussion had the desired affect. its going to be hard and now you have to decide if you think this will make him change or not...

brdgrl Sun 11-May-14 00:35:01

I'm really glad to hear this, prawny. Good for you.
I think I need to get some self esteem back and focus on my DD.
Hear, hear. Following through will be tough, but keep your thoughts focused on the future and what you want it to look like. x

Fairylea Sun 11-May-14 11:56:41

Well done. I am certain you are doing the right thing. You'll look back on this in years to come and feel relieved you left.

prawnypoos Sun 11-May-14 15:00:42

He's stepped up the discipline regime with DSD today - she doesn't know what's hit her!
Don't get me wrong I'm pleased he's making an effort with her but there's a part of me tht thinks its all to show how he can 'change'. I just can't help thinking that its too little too late.

He has seen first hand today how rough she can be with DD. She elbowed DD in the head whilst I left him alone with them for 10 minutes then wouldn't stop an yes , DP smacked her bum!

Fairylea Sun 11-May-14 15:21:11

At the risk of igniting the thread, why didn't he just remove her from the room for time out and then make her say sorry rather than respond to violence with violence? She elbowed your dd so he smacked her. I don't think that's the right response really. I don't agree with smacking at all however so maybe others will think differently.

I think you both have too much on your plates when dealing with your dsd. It sounds like you expect to carry on doing all the farm duties etc and have her around at the same time. I'm not sure you can do both.

I hope for your dsds sake that things calm down and you can all behave more positively towards each other albeit as single parents parenting together.

brdgrl Sun 11-May-14 15:35:00

oh, prawney.
Your DP needs to learn other ways of discipline. I really, really think that you (maybe because of the background you mentioned previously) don't understand the boundaries when it comes to physical contact, or even emotional and verbal abuse. I'm so, so worried about you and both your girls...I think you are over your head here, I really do, and you are as vulnerable as those wee girls. Your DP smacking the girls for hitting each isn't a positive step forward. Maybe he's trying - but he needs help from a professional, and so do you all. Parenting classes would be a start, but I also think you need someone to talk to yourself.

Can I ask when you are going? Could you start off this separation by calling that number I gave you the other day?

Jeordie Sun 11-May-14 15:40:10

I agree, your DSD hit your DD so DP responded by smacking his DD. He needs to learn different ways to discipline because it's going to go round in a vicious circle otherwise. He's smacked to show hitting out is wrong, but he has done the exact same so to speak in response to her naughty behaviour.

alita7 Sun 11-May-14 16:20:07

I understand why you smacked with the strangling situation but there was no need to smack due to elbowing.
yea it's good that he's stepping up with discipline but it sounds like he's clutching at straws trying to please you and took totally the wrong message from you telling him what you did. I would tell him that you don't want him to start snacking dsd as it doesn't teach her not to be violent, but you want him to learn about naughty steps and removal of privileges...

prawnypoos Sun 11-May-14 16:26:58

That's it but he's never taken responsibility before so its all new to him! I completely agree with the comments regarding responding to violence with violence. It doesn't really teach DSD that its wrong to hit. I stand firm that my slap was self defence and under completely different life or death circumstances (and I'm not being melodramatic). I've told him that I often use the naughty step and reward good behaviour.

He could've just taken DD away from the situation. It's not like DSD had her hands around DDs neck! He's gutted but I think I need to do this

alita7 Sun 11-May-14 16:58:31

The other thing I would do is shower her with attention when she is affectionate and ignore her when she's violent after telling her no, and stopping situation.
She elbowed dd so he should have picked dd up and given her attention until dsd was nice again, to show that you get attention when you're good not bad.

prawnypoos Sun 11-May-14 19:13:25

Yes true. Anyway it's his mess. He's barely spoken to me all day and asking what he's done to deserve this. He knows exactly what he's done (or more to the point - what he hasn't done!)

I'm quite looking forward to the small things to be honest, like being able to be back home later than 5pm and having the time to do housework, being able to watch what I want on telly for a change and being able to have friends over and not feel completely humiliated and the horrendous mess he leaves. Bring it on!

Cabrinha Mon 12-May-14 17:00:15

He's an utter arsehole.
If you're so happy about being able to actually live your life now, that tells you everything you need to know about a trial separation. That is - that it shouldn't be a trial!
I also wondered how you were, and searched posts... which meant I ended up seeing more of your history than I already knew. I wont drag up specifics from other threads of course...
But really, he's a A grade arsehole who treats you like shit.
How long til he smacks your child too?

BuzzLightbulb Wed 14-May-14 09:40:56

I had a phone call from my older sister two nights ago. For years she's been the pariah of the family, everyone avoided her calls as she was always drunk and she had nothing to say other than her life was a misery and her husband an unbelievable lazy chauvinist pig.

On Monday, she was happy, chatty, positive and sober.

She's told him they're divorcing. No arguments.

And just the sheer relief of that decision has lifted her emotional state enormously.

And that was without violent children involved.

It has convinced me that once you get to that point, make the break and look after yourself until you've built the life you want and the emotional strength to cope with someone else in your life should you ever feel the need.

Good luck.

ChuckyWantsToPlay Wed 14-May-14 09:53:50

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

InMyOwnSickWayIllAlwaysBe Wed 14-May-14 10:13:58

I wass following that thread too, deletion message says it turned into a bunfight.
Some were saying OP shouldn't smack the step child and others said it was justified. Don't know how it progressed though (or deteriorated :D )

ChuckyWantsToPlay Wed 14-May-14 10:23:03

It deteriorated after one poster asked the op if she spread the sickness bug to her dad and DB when she visited on the Sunday, op accused the poster of not reading the thread properly and then said they had been 48hrs clear by Sunday and told the poster to stop nit picking and to feck off.
It all went downhill after that

ChuckyWantsToPlay Wed 14-May-14 10:26:24

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brdgrl Wed 14-May-14 10:30:00

chucky. extremely bad form. you should be ashamed. reporting you. hopefully MN wont delete whole thread because OP is entiyled to make new posts withoit being attacked over again.

InMyOwnSickWayIllAlwaysBe Wed 14-May-14 10:34:01

Interesting! shock

ChuckyWantsToPlay Wed 14-May-14 10:41:24

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ChuckyWantsToPlay Wed 14-May-14 10:48:57

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