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need to whinge about dp's exw

(12 Posts)
wheresthelight Thu 01-May-14 22:15:14

And he is being a bit touchy as dd refuses to settle when he puts her to bed do am coming here...

When we dropped the kids home last Friday exw said she may need us to collect kids tomorrow as she night have to work and would that be ok. Dp said he would need to check with me as our dd has a swimming lesson in next town and I usually go out for coffee with some of the mum's afterwards and he is working tomorrow. I said fine but need to know early as poss soiI knew whether I needed to change my plans.

We hadn't heard anything by yesterday so dp range and got no answer amd no voicemail so sent exw a text asking what was happening. She finally text back at 9pm, over 24 hours later to say she was expecting me to pick kids up as she has to work.

Am really pissed off. Not at fact I need to get the kids but that exw has yet again left it til last minute to sort out.

Not expecting a response just need to say this somewhere!!

alita7 Thu 01-May-14 22:29:45

Send her a message or ask dp to (but as you're picking up I'd say you do it!) saying that in future if you are picking up her children for her convinience outside the normal contact hours then she must tell you 48 hours in advance or as a one of she may give you say 12- 24 hours notice If she tells you it may happen a week in advance and regularly contacts you to let you know if there's any new info or not.
You are not her baby sitter, if dp can't collect them and you are not given sufficient notice then they will not be picked up.
sounds like she did it on purpose to be awkward... its understandable to sometimes not know if you're working until the last minute in some jobs but she should not ignore messages and should keep you posted.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 01-May-14 22:37:13

Ok what you need to instead of saying "let me know as early as possible" you say "i need to know by tuesday evening. I i havent heard anything by then i'll assume i'm not needed and make my plans" and then DO NOT CHANGE YOUR PLANS IF SHE CALLS YOUR BLUFF AND LETS YOU KNOW LAST MINUTE. Tell her tough shit- she'll need to arrange someone else, which of course will be a nightmare last minute and she'll realise the importance of planning well in advance. smile

wheresthelight Thu 01-May-14 22:37:37

That's what has pissed me off hun! If sheba just text back yesterday and said she didn't know yet if she needed to work that would have been fine but it's the expectation that because I am still in maternity leave I have nothing better to do!

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 01-May-14 22:39:05

What i mean is give specific boundaries. Nothing ambiguous that she can exploit to her advantage and your inconvenience.

wheresthelight Thu 01-May-14 22:42:15

sillybilly I know I should have! I normally do but things have bit a bit awkward with her lately over issues with the kids (nits and an 8 year old who cannot wipe her bum after a poo) so was trying to keep it light. But the fact she couldn't be arsed to reply or answer her phone has really annoyed me.

To be fair dp has had a go at her about not replying (again on text cos she refused to answer the phone) but it will be the last time I agree to do it. She is a real pain over stuff at the moment

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 01-May-14 22:47:01

My exp could give lessons in leaving stuff til last minute and leaving me up shit creek with no childcare etc. say for example i asked if he was having our DCs on a particular day so i could work, he would say "i'll let you know" i would ask when would he let me know and he would mumble some shite about having to find out something from such and such and would text me but of course never texted and ignored my calls and texts. I had to get tough and rather than ask him when, i now tell him when. I give deadlines ad consequences (yeah, like a child gets!) but it's the only way i am able to plan anything.

wheresthelight Thu 01-May-14 22:48:05

She does the same over arranging what days/weeks we get the kids in school holidays too. I stuffed her this year as went on the school's website and got the term dates, dp and I decided when we wanted them and told her the dates we would like and told her we wanted an answer within 48 hours as we needed to book the holiday. She got very pissy as she never plans in advance but he kept ringing til she answered after the 48 hours were up.

I am a planner, I need to know what I need to be doing and when (downfalls of my job) but she is one for off the cuff decisions when it comes to contact. And then gets pissy when we say no we can't do it because she has left it til the day of or day before to tell us she wants us to have the kids. Never asks mind, it's always a demand

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 01-May-14 22:53:39

You did the right thing with the holidays. Keep doing that with everything. Tbh as she is so last minute and non committal i wouldnt even ask if those dates suited for you to have dcs. I would just pick them and email her the dates stating "these are our dates" no asking for her agreement. I know i sound really inflexible but i have learned with exp that given an inch he will take a mile so i give no room for him to. I used to get really stressed about it and lost loads of work due to him letting me down so i had to get firm.

wheresthelight Thu 01-May-14 22:58:54

Sad that we have to treat grown adults like kids isn't it!!

You are right though and I will keep doing this way now!It has taken the stress out of it all!

And as awful as it sounds it means iI cam make plans to see family/friends who are teachers without my dsc's! Sometimes it is nice to have everyone together but I do appreciate my time with my family without them!

YoureBeingASillyBilly Thu 01-May-14 23:42:30

Of course you do! Everyone should get some childfree time to see friends or shop or even just relax and read a book.

My friend has an ex who walks all over her with stuff like this. It is at a point now where she doesnt know at 5pm whether her children will be with her for dinner or not. I have seen her make dinner only for their dad to Arrive and beep his horn and they have to go with him and times when she doesnt make anything and they arrive home looking for dinner. she gets no say in it. She cant plan anything on the weekends because she doesnt know whether she will have her dcs or not. Its awful. I tell her to be firm and specify times but she wont. He has worn her down so much.

wheresthelight Fri 02-May-14 00:10:52

That is disgraceful!!!

I am glad that dp is really good at standing up to his exw. She walked all over him from what I understand from everyone except him!! Even she has told me some of the stuff she did and I was aghast!! She is incredibly entitled! To the point when I was reading the notes of their mediation sessions (dp asked me to) and the solicitors had made notes about having to reign in her ridiculous demands!

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