I would love advice/encouragement/coping strategies on this situation.
My partner and I have been together 18 months and have recently moved in with each other. When we started dating he told me upfront about shortly becoming a Dad - he'd had a two night stand 9 months before we met which resulted in an unplanned pregnancy. The girl wanted to have the baby, despite my partner making it very clear there was no future for the two of them and he would rather not have the baby. During the pregnancy the girl returned to her native country for more help and to have the baby.
My partner went to visit them after the birth and every couple of months, but has felt deeply depressed throughout about the whole experience, trying to force a bond but not feeling it, not getting on with the girl etc etc
At the time, I felt quite distanced, maybe tried to brush it under the carpet a bit, it was all happening in a different country. I just tried to be supportive although did have some serious misgivings about the whole affair, spent a lot of time agonising about how I could be with someone so irresponsible about contraception, I also had difficulties not digging at him all the time - you play you pay etc.. but I have managed to move on from all this and accept that mistakes happen and now it is about the child and doing what's best for them.
Fast forward to the last few months. The girl and baby have moved back to the UK, my partner visits once every 7-14 days. I have no problems with him visiting his child and am happy for him to do this as much as he wishes. However, I am struggling with so many other issues and am turning into bit of a nightmare. Suddenly I feel so resentful of their existence. I am/was very keen to have a family myself, but feel that this girl and her baby have 'stolen my thunder'. I really despise myself for having these selfish thoughts but this is how it is. I resent the money that is shipped their way, the time spent with them, the way we now have to take them into account all the time. I find it upsetting that the girl and baby spend time with my partners family, doing grandparent stuff etc. I find it really painful to go shopping for things for the baby that he's had with this other girl and not me. It upsets me when we go out and his mates are asking me how the baby is. All these negative thoughts are very preoccupying. My partner and I have spoken at length about this all. He is very understanding but we keep going round in circles without me feeling any better. He himself has still not accepted the situation completely. We are both 'down' a lot.
I have had 4 sessions of private counselling, wanting to try and become a more accepting and gracious 'step mum', however I got very wound up by them and decided to stop.
I haven't met the baby yet and am building up to this. I wonder how it will be, how I am supposed to act, how I will be judged. I really want to avoid meeting the baby's mother as I feel very negative towards her.
I would be grateful to hear if anyone can relate to this story. I do understand that the child's wellbeing comes first, and I should not come between them and their father. I would like to try and stop being a dragon and work this out rather than leave the relationship, my partner is definitely a keeper. Thanks for reading this far!
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Step-parenting
Help for new 'step mum'?
39 replies
Seashell78 · 25/04/2014 19:03
OP posts:
NatashaBee ·
25/04/2014 19:13
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