Update - More Crap, Feel Like Screaming!!

[spillingthebeans]

Hi everyone, after all of your advice from my last thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/1997091-Ready-to-walk-horrible-Step-kids-Ex-Wife-DP-not-much-better?pg=6 I thought I would update rather than add to it as things are just completely surreal at the moment!! May turn into a rant i'm afraid :(

So, I moved into my house and have been very happy, we chose to carry on seeing each other and see how things panned out. Anyway, it seems his 2 children that are living with him refuse to go to or stay at their Mothers so if I want to see him I have to drag mine down to his which has become a complete pain! We also never go out as he wont leave them or get a sitter.

As Soon as his Ex found out I had moved out she decided he is now Dad of the year and can have all of the children as often as possible (as long as I am not there) She doesn't just drop them off and pick them up, she has to stay for up to an hour each time (3 or 4 times a week) . If we have plans they get delayed or cancelled and he expects me to wait for a text before I am 'allowed' round. Bearing in mind I was living there for 2-3 months it feels pretty shit, especially as I know she still wants him back and has caused us nothing but problems (including assaults on me twice!).

The 2 that are living with him are still being spoilt, allowed to miss school through tiredness, eating takeaways constantly (£170 on Domino's in a week!!), using his bank card to buy online games without asking, coming in from school and sleeping until 9pm then awake all night, dropping food, drinks and rubbish where they lie expecting others to tidy up after them (he has now got a cleaner in every week) He doesn't ever tell them off or follow through with requests to tidy etc..

I went round yesterday afternoon as he finished work early and was working in the garden, we were chatting and decided we should do something on Saturday all together (my 2 and his 2) so we chose a theme park and were quite excited about having a fun day out.

We were just finishing up the garden and heard the kids screaming at each other (just his 2 - mine was at his dads), running around hurting each other etc.. 'D'P was getting stressed, told them to behave and in 5 minutes we'd order a takeaway. They carried on fighting anyway

We went in and he asked what they fancied to eat - Eldest said Chinese but it had to be from the most expensive place as he only liked that, anyway, he wrote down what they wanted and came in to ask what I wanted - I looked what was already being ordered and child1 had asked for 2 starters, a main, chips & noodles. Child2 had asked for 2 mains, chips and noodles?!??!! There is no way they would eat it all - huge portions and would cost a fortune and just seemed very greedy to me. I obviously pulled a face and ended up with 'D'P being angry with me.

Anyway... sorry to ramble, rang the chinese and they had no delivery drivers so told the kids it would have to be another takeaway - they went mental!!! Started shouting, moaning, being completely rude and disrespectful to their father. I was listening to it all and told him they really didn't deserve a treat and should have beans on toast!! He had already given them £30 each that day and the previous day to spend as they are off school. He said he just wanted them to be happy and was too tired to stand up to them, he was really shitty with me and said 'if you don't like it, you know where the door is' so I got up and went home. I had a texted apology and a plea to come back - I said no.

Today I saw him on my way to the shop as he was still working in the garden. He told me that his kids only want to go to the theme park if its just with him! I asked what he'd said to that and he said , nothing. I asked whether we were going to go without them and he said he couldn't do that! So I walked away - I guess he's going to take them anyway, I'll have to take mine as I have already told them.

If it was the other way round I would have said to mine well you either come along or you miss out - your choice but I'm going and i'm bloody well going to enjoy myself!!

Why is he allowing his life (and in turn, my life) to be dictated by his children and ex wife??? I told him it's over and I really think it has to be, there's no hope is there? :(

There are other things happening too but this post is already huge

[pictish]

Is he a millionaire? He's have to be, to be prepared to order all that food from a Chinese takeaway and watch the bulk of it go in the bin uneaten!!

What a weak man he is. How can you have any respect for him?

[Icantstopeatinglol]

As pictish has already said, I'd have no respect for any man that allowed his dc to walk all over him.
I'm sorry op but if I were in your shoes I would be leaving it at that and letting him get on with his kids by himself.
It's obviously not going to change anytime soon so it's wether you're happy to live like this?

[swissfamily]

Because he needs to grow a pair.

You did the right thing. There is no hope.

What a loser.

Have a lot of wine tonight..xx

[LtEveDallas]

You know what darling, you've got to give up now. What is the point in being in a relationship with this man.

He's not a man. He's a spineless bastard that is going to end up dragging you down with him.

Just walk away. I know it's hard, believe me, but make a life for you and yours and let him ruin his own. He won't change, and all this relationship is bringing you is heartache.

Walk. Seriously.

[3littlefrogs]

Honestly OP. Just leave them to it.
Why would you want to stay with him? You are not anywhere on his list of priorities.

[catsmother]

Sorry can't write much as am on phone but quite honestly I'd run for the hills. His kids sound revolting - albeit that's his fault - and you're never going to be able to reason with someone so extremely blinkered and stupid . There's disney dads and then there's DISNEY DADS. How you'd be able to enjoy any sort of day out anyway with those sort of horrors I don't know and yes, it wouldn't just be having no respect for him it'd soon turn into contempt with that sort of ridiculous carry on. You deserve much better .

[pictish]

Just read your other thread OP.
Imo you're on a hiding to nothing with this guy. He is spineless when it comes to his ex and kids, yet shows no regard for you.

Far too shabby for beans no?

[pictish]

His kids sound revolting btw - and there's no way you can be in a relationship with the dad, but opt out of spending time with the kids. They're all one and the same.
I'd not bother with him.

[spillingthebeans]

It's the only option isn't it? I have no respect for him and the kids are only going to get worst due to his parenting, I am really nice to his kids and I thought they liked me because I don't get involved, just ask if they've had a good day, give them sweets etc. there's no animosity as far as i'm aware. It really hurt that they would rather not go than have me there, but then thinking about it I think they know that 'D'P would not go without them so they are playing a game knowing he will 'choose' them.

He's certainly not a millionaire, he's due to go bankrupt still, but gets cash through his type of work and spends it as soon as he gets it.

I am having a beer - wine preferred but It's crap weather and i'm staying in watching rubbish on TV! At least I know I won't hear from him as his other kids (and probably ex Wife) are there this evening.

Thanks for the responses, it helps so much to know I'm not being unreasonable - he always makes me feel like I shouldn't get upset about things and put up with it all, just because he 'loves me' 'hates ex wife' 'it's for the children'.... wonder if i'll get a text later when he's all alone and has nothing better to do hey?

He asked me to stay over Wednesday night but said we would have to leave early as his Ex was coming round first thing to see the kids - I politely declined!! :/ He asked me to stay Sunday night and spend BH Monday together, then cancelled as Ex had decided to go out and leave the children over night with him.

[alita7]

Wow. I would write him a letter explaining what he needs to change and why and give him x amount of time to do so. If you still love him and he has made head way with things then trial being together in different houses.

Explain to him that his parenting style is bad for everyone, especially the kids, they will never learn the value of money or indeed any thing, are becoming increasingly unhealthy and will go through life thinking they can have whatever they want. They won't love him more for letting them get fat, they will simply know he's a push over. You cannot watch him ruin his children by refusing to restrict them and jumping to every want or expose your kids to their behaviour. Refusing to punish bad behaviour means you look like the bad one all the time which is unfair (dp gets too far into his own thing sometimes and I end up disciplining dsd most of the time, but he doesn't mind this at all as she lives with us, but I worry I'll be the bad one, what's actually happened is that dsd actually loves me just as much and seems to feel the benefit of consistency and the clear boundaries which dp struggles to enforce sometimes as he's either not paying attention or sometimes will get angry at x but on other days be fine with the exact same behaviour). Plummeting into debt when there are clear changes that can be made is senseless. He needs to work on spending less and tidying and house, as well as disciplining the kids, and not jumping in their defense without thinking about your point of view. He also needs to draw up boundaries with the ex.

I would clearly bullet point these things and any other points and if he can't try then walk away.

[CountryGal13]

How awful! I really can't see this situation getting any better op. I'm sorry to say but it really does sound like you need to move on and give yourself chance to find someone who'll treat you with the respect you deserve x

[Kaluki]

Jeez this all sounds like such hard work!!
These kids are out of control and it will only get worse. Let him live in the hole he's dig himself into with them and run for the hills or they will drag you and your dc down with them!!!

[Malificentmaud]

Fucking hell I've seen some bad cases of Disney on these pages but this one takes the biscuit!!

Run for the hills and don't look back!!!

I am terrified that these children will be entering the adult world one day and walking amongst us

[financialwizard]

No wonder if he's about to go bankrupt with the money he is spending on takeaways, etc.

Get out whilst you still can. You will always be on the subs bench.

[pictish]

I agree - this guy is disaster. And a fool.

[TheMumsRush]

Hi spilling, sorry to hear this, you've been very kind to me and you seem so lovely. You deserve much better

[HoneyBadgerPersonified]

He's taking advantage of you and you need to end this 'relationship' now.
What kind of role model does he present to your kids?
And what kind of a role model do you present if you continue allowing him to treat you like this?