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Just thinking out loud - blended families - did you decide to have more children?

(43 Posts)
littlegreenlight1 Tue 08-Apr-14 09:04:45

???

Malificentmaud Tue 08-Apr-14 09:18:35

No, we didn't. We viewed it as having one each already and two being enough to cope with smile But I suspect neither of us would have had a second anyway.

We were never a childless couple, with the opportunity to enjoy all those things people "normally" get to do before kids come along, so we do those things during our rare childfree time and want to keep it that way. Plus, his DD is 15 and mine 8 so the thought of delaying freedom even longer is not good!

But, had we wanted more children, we wouldn't have not done so because of the existing ones for their sake - I think big families are generally good for children and I have seen cases where the new baby provides "the missing link" that binds everyone together. Ours was a selfish choice rather than a selfless one, if that makes sense?

littlegreenlight1 Tue 08-Apr-14 09:44:12

We have five between us. 8, 10, 12, 14 and 16, 3 mine, 2 his.
Whilst we have had the odd "oh wouldnt it be nice" conversation, I dont think it will ever happen - we have plenty of free time together and though thats not the be all and end all, a baby of our own would mean no alone time, ever, well not without babysitters etc.
We are off on a very special holiday without the kids tomorrow, a bit indulgent, but we have saved hard for it and they are with their respective other parents. We couldnt do that again.
We have enough money to eat out/travel and holiday with the kids as well as without them (by no means rich but we are doing ok).
The kids are of an age where they are so much fun and independent - ok the 10 and 8 year old not so much but ykwim.
My home is very calm and a baby would disrupt that. When all 5 kids are in the house its noisier sure, but its still fine, there is enough space, there would not be should bf move in and a baby was to appear!

All of these are practical reasons for not having a child, nothing particularly emotional at all. I suppose to that end, Id worry it would change things between bf and I. We would be stressed (we really dont fight) and its so long since either of us have done the baby thing, we might be different (I would be for sure) and being older, could be a lot more difficult (I was 18 when I had my first, heading for 35 now and he's 40 soon!)

Still through all of this I cant help thinking "what if?" but I think I am going to have to put my "baby head" to bed. It would be a crazy move, lovely in theory but probably madness.

RedFocus Tue 08-Apr-14 10:04:26

It was talked about but we have 3 each and felt it would be unfair to the existing kids to spilt our time even more. They already have to share with their step siblings so it's just not fair to add more to the mix. I'm so glad too because we finally get time to ourselves when my dc's are with their dad so we can do the before kids thing such as dating and weekends away. I don't want to go back to nappies and breastfeeding either. I've done it and I'm getting figure back! wink
My dh's ex has had 2 more kids and it's not working out too well for them when she gets rid of her dc's she's still got 2 clingy babies to drag up so she's never without kids. Her dc's, my dsc's resent the babies as they are used as free child care and often ask to live with us.

littlegreenlight1 Tue 08-Apr-14 10:33:34

oh yeah my exh has 2 babies now (so a child at nearly 17 AND a new born and a toddler and an 8 yo and a 14 yo and a 9 yo dss!!!) and I cant help chuckling about it. He has had a few mutterings about the holiday (its a week for the first time in my life ffs, if he hadnt knocked me up at 17.... tongue is in cheek here!) but I just retort with "I didnt choose to have MORE children, I can afford to go".... miaow, but its one or the other really isnt it!!
Plus my dc resent their brother and sister too.... as do I as maintenance gets reduced hmm but they do because their sm doesnt let them near the babies, its as though their "her" children and not related to mine which really pisses me off.

brdgrl Tue 08-Apr-14 10:41:23

Not exactly. DD is DH's, but I had her first, before we all became a family.

I met my now-DH and he had his two kids already. I knew I wanted to have a child, and was prepared to do so on my own, and to remain living separately from now-DH. I told him I wanted to try for a child and he agreed on that basis. So I had DD first, and was only later persuaded to give the 'blended family' thing a go. There were too many issues around the DSC and the way they and DH lived for me to be easily convinced!

If DH had not wanted another child, it would have been a deal-breaker, and he knew that from the beginning.

Malificentmaud Tue 08-Apr-14 11:02:09

Red- my DSD has struggled with her new sibling on her Mum's side. I don't think Mum realised how hard it would be to manage the needs of a 12/13 year old who had had her all to herself, as well as a tiny baby at 43. Poor DSD has really taken a back-seat. There are lots of Golden Child/ scapegoat issues there and more besides and I'm sure that a lot of Mums could manage the situation but I don't think it would be easy for anyone.

Malificentmaud Tue 08-Apr-14 11:05:39

We get all the mutterings about our childfree time and trips away too. His ex hates that we get time alone and that we can afford a weekend in London when she can't.

I am always hmm when DH is asked for extra money because ex is broke and can't work because she has a baby and therefore has no money... She's with the baby's father but apparently her choice to have further children is MY husband's responsibility...

sorry.. that one really angers me!

MsIngaFewmarbles Tue 08-Apr-14 11:10:57

We did. Our girls were 5,6 and 7 (2 mine 1 his). It really cemented our family as the DDs all have DS as a brother they all share. Not sure we would have if they were much older though. We do miss the free time we had before he arrived but it was right for us.

littlegreenlight1 Tue 08-Apr-14 11:19:06

I do go away a lot, probably monthly, sometimes with my children sometimes without but that's my choice isn't it, I don't have nappies or childcare issues when they are with ex h . he is very jealous of this! his choice though....

nomoretether Tue 08-Apr-14 12:55:02

I'm currently 6 months pregnant with our first baby - he has 2 children and so do I, ages range from 3 to 10. Not sure if we'll have more, will depend on finances I suspect. We'll have some times with just our baby, some with our baby and my children, some with our baby and his children and some with all five smile

purpleroses Tue 08-Apr-14 13:03:28

Your situation sounds very like mine, OP. We have 6 between us aged 10-16 and I think we won't have any more. And I feel exactly like you about it - the kids are lots of fun now, we have time to ourselves, and DP (who has 4) feels that he's spread quite thin already. But like you I do wonder what if? It does make me a little sad to know we'll never have anyone who's related to both of us. But on balance I think it is much better to enjoy the family we have.

My ex has a toddler too, and it has meant he's had less time and money for the DCs, and gets no child-free time any more. I also have an old schoolfriend who's been posting a lot on FB recently about her new baby who is not sleeping well, colic, etc, and she's (unwittingly!) doing a great job of reminding me all the reasons why I don't want another grin

littlegreenlight1 Tue 08-Apr-14 13:16:09

I was at the sports centre yesterday playing tennis with my boys, they're the 8 and 14 year olds, in the next room was a toddler soft play thing, it was chaos and didn't do a thing for me other than think " I wouldn't be able to exercise ever again if I had a baby". Bf and I go to exercise class and swimming at least 4 nights a week, couldn't do that.
I swim a lot, it takes years for kids to be independent swimmers so wild be years before I could keep that up as I do now.
I recently met my friends baby and beautiful as she is, I didn't feel broody.
So, I think that's decided then.

Malificentmaud Tue 08-Apr-14 14:52:32

Yes, I think you're decided smile

caledonianclown Sat 12-Apr-14 14:03:25

I have a DS and DP also has a DS (aged 6 and 5 so very close) and we've just had DD together. We're only 2 weeks in but in very glad we've done it, I feel closer to DP because we're co-parenting DD. So far DS has coped well with the upheaval of having a new baby in the house, and has taken it in his stride that I have less time to do things with him because I am feeding. He's been spending more time with DP which I think has also improved their relationship. DSS coping less well with losing out on daddy time, they've gone off and done something just the two of them every day, but still every time DP holds the baby DSS starts whining and clambering all over him looking for attention. Hoping this will pass, I'm finding it quite hard not to be over protective of DD and tell DSS off all the time for the clambering

VelmaD Thu 17-Apr-14 20:59:16

No, we have made a decision not to.

I have two DS. He has 1 DS. My DS have a half sister younger. His DS has step siblings and his mother is actively ttc.

We have made a conscious decision not to add to this. We like our child free time. We love the idea that in ten years all out children will be over 16. We like not having that responsibility. And tbh, blending our families is hard work enough.

So I have the mirena and he is looking into a vasectomy. We are 31 and 36.

Foxeym Thu 05-Jun-14 21:35:18

Yes, I have 2DDs (15&13) DP has a DS (15) and DD (10) and we have an 7 month old DS together and we are in our 40's. It's the best thing we ever did, I never thought I'd have another child so long after my last but I'm loving it. It has cemented all the kids together as they now feel they have a brother they are all related to, we are even contemplating another!

Kaluki Thu 05-Jun-14 23:51:46

I would have loved a baby with DP but he has had a vasectomy.
I feel sad at times that we will never experience having a child together. It's a bond we will never share but we have 4 between us and I think another would have caused jealousies among them.
Also I'm looking forward to some child free time in the future and if we'd had another it would be a long time before we got that.
I'm very broody though and DP is a great dad - I always say we'd have made a perfect baby together but just not meant to be hmm

HobinRood Fri 06-Jun-14 09:08:10

DH already had 3 when I met him. We've gone on to have 3 more together. He isn't opposed to adding more either, I'm not so sure. I'm still relatively young but I've been thrown in to the deep end with being a parent since we met (DSD lives with us) so it would be nice of us to eventually have some child-free time and concentrate on us.

HobinRood Fri 06-Jun-14 09:14:28

I would have loved a baby with DP but he has had a vasectomy.

He could always try a reversal wink. I'm not sure on the success rate of them though!

yoyo27 Fri 06-Jun-14 09:44:36

We did..... I have four, DP has two, and we have two together.

It's fab!

Kaluki Fri 06-Jun-14 17:34:46

Hobin - if I had a spare £8000 lying around I'd march him off to the nearest clinic for a reversal but even then there are still no guarantees. Also I'm no spring chicken so my eggs may be a bit old and tired too like the rest of me
grin

impatienceisavirtue Fri 06-Jun-14 17:37:51

Yes, we'd love another. Unfortunately nature has other ideas as after a long time trying I keep miscarrying - we will be quite sad if it carries on like this and we don't have one together (would be our first) but it certainly isn't a deal breaker

Smugfearnleyshittingstool Fri 06-Jun-14 20:11:00

We've 5 between us and plan one together, not sure if we ever get around to it though.

truthwithin Sat 07-Jun-14 01:53:40

DP & I had a pregnancy scare, (joy for him), not so long ago.

DPs parenting style & effort amount is drastically different from mine. I would never want a child with him.

I already have two, so any reproductive needs are met.

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