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Move in or stay separate?

(11 Posts)
Dodo76 Tue 01-Apr-14 00:20:12

If you are a step-parent in a blended family and had to make that choice again, what would you do? Would you move in with DP and DSCs (and yours) or stay separate?

purpleroses Tue 01-Apr-14 00:21:30

I made that choice 2 years back. For me it's been good, and yes I'd do it again smile

Dodo76 Tue 01-Apr-14 00:24:32

Thanks purple. There seem to be many people on here who have moved out! Can I ask what the set-up with the kids and finances is/was? They seem to be the main sticking points (of course!)

supermariossister Tue 01-Apr-14 07:34:05

it's been five years soon and I'd make the choice again things don't always run smoothly but they are mostly good. I love my family and it works for us.

purpleroses Tue 01-Apr-14 08:27:45

I think people tend to post most when they're having problems, understandably.
My DP has 4 DC with us every weekend. My own 2 are with us most of the time but at their dad's EOW and one Monday a fortnight. So not much time child-free. Though DP does ask his ex to have them on the odd weekend if we want to go away. She's generally reasonable which helps a lot I think. We have no joint DC and both work so keep our finances separate. But now that the house I own is rented our to tenants i'm much better off than I was as a single parent. DP's payments to his ex are more than I think they should be but he can afford them and they're fixed so I accept that's what he's committed to.

We also lived close to start with which meant no one was uprooted moving in.

I've not found everything easy and the bedroom-sharing in particular hasn't been great for my DS. But on balance it was definitely the right thing to move in.

Dodo76 Tue 01-Apr-14 08:57:48

thanks all. Purple, so does your DP own the house and you pay him rent? Do you mind not having a financial interest in the house? Presumably not because you kept your own place? Part of my concern is giving DP a share of my house when I just don't know if things are going to work out. He can't rent his own place out (it's in one of those home-owner schemes which you can't rent) so would have to sell his and come onto the mortgage with me. Really really not keen to do that as i would be risking everything.

elastamum Tue 01-Apr-14 09:01:48

Then dont do it. You obviously dont think the relationship is steady enough to be sure. Not worth the risk IMO.

FWIW me and my DP maintain 2 houses 2hrs apart as neither of us would have considered uprooting our teenage children. It works for us.

purpleroses Tue 01-Apr-14 09:19:45

DP owns the house but I don't pay him rent. I pay half the bills, but no rent/mortgage, which means I don't have a financial interest in the house. It does bother me a bit tbh - though I still own my own house, so I'm not losing out financially by being with him. It's just that DP will say things like "my apple tree is good this year" and I'll have to pick him up on it being our home, and our garden. But it's minor niggles really I guess - just him being a bit slow to change how he thinks of his home.

Could you DP sell his house and use the money to buy somewhere else that he can rent out? Or invest it some other how so that he could buy a house if he wanted for himself in the future?

Or could he move in with you just for a few months trial and just leave his place empty to start off with? If it's some sort of shared ownership thing I think you're allowed to have a lodger (assuming it's got 2 bedrooms) so he could kind of move in with you, whilst getting some money off a lodger, but still have his own base to go back to. If you can afford the mortgage on your own there's no real reason to have your DP contribute towards it if you'd rather keep things clear and separate. I think it's normal to think though an "escape plan" if things all go wrong - we certainly did at first.

lostintoys Tue 01-Apr-14 15:31:34

We live apart, but in the same town (ten minutes walk apart) so we see a lot of each other but each has our own space and homes for our respective children. Making the decision not to move in together for the moment has taken a lot of pressure off our relationship and meant the end of arguments over different approaches to parenting etc.

Kaluki Wed 02-Apr-14 10:49:27

Dodo I remember your previous thread. I think the majority of advice on there was don't do it! Why should your DP have a financial share in your house?
I don't regret moving in with DP but I regret doing it so fast before all the problems were ironed out.
Our situation is slightly different - DP owned his house but was in massive debt due to his divorce so he sold his house and moved into my rented house with a clean slate with the idea that at some point in the future we will buy together. We split all household bills 50/50 and have our own accounts as well.
He still sees it as 'my' house, even though his name is now on the tenancy and most of the furniture in it is from his old house but I lived here for 10 years before I met him so I still say 'my' house, garden etc out of habit.

LineRunner Thu 03-Apr-14 00:06:15

I met my OH not too long ago - just nine months- but we definitely 'feel the future' in our relationship.

We both have teenagers living with us full-time. Six in total.

I don't think we would even know where to start trying to change, blend, adapt, tbh. I think we are pretty much learning to be patient. I am definitely heeding the advice and tales from the step-parenting threads, and won't be rushing into anything.

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