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Support thread. For current step-parents.

(347 Posts)
brdgrl Mon 31-Mar-14 16:18:44

If you're a current step-parent with children who live with you at least some of the time, and fancy offloading or a rant or have a question you want to ask others who are currently in your situation and you want to do it in a safe place, and you don't want to ask a non-step-parent then why not ask in here.

Priesty77 Sat 28-Jun-14 15:19:09

Hi, Disney dad?!

Anormalfamily Sun 29-Jun-14 06:05:26

Hi priesty,
A Disney dad basically lets his kids rule the roost, lots of double standards, and in their company somehow becomes "one of them", empathy of the worst kind and generally wrecks the relationship with the dp (Disney parent really as its not gender biased).
Totally feel your pain as dh and I have had another couple counseling session and I left in tears, based on exactly your woes.
Although I've felt quite supported by counselor in the past, the very fact that we'd going there for 18 months (!) should have told me it was a load of b*llocks. Last session I mentioned all the relatively good steps taken and then said I'd like him to change his role from boyfriend to dad re dsd.
Oh dear, what a dilemma. Poor dh, poor dsd, as they don't see each other that much (17 with busy social life) they are to be allowed to have date nights where everybody else is excluded. Fine that dss has become an integrated part of new family with good relationship to ds and me. So I should feel lucky (after working my *ss off st creating the right environment and insisting on dh parenting him, not being his BFF).
Basically message to me was suck it up... There is no way I'm going to let this happen. Its self indulgent spineless crap (sorry for rant, I'm angry again on your behalf).
Don't have the answer yet, when I do I will get back to you...

wheresthelight Mon 30-Jun-14 22:47:59

I am fucking fuming so coming here to vent before I knock out the exw

Last time we had the kids I had to bit treat them again and asked exw to treat them again after 7 days as per the instructions and to comb daily. She cancelled contact last week so this weekend is the first time we have seen them for nearly 3 weeks. Both kids are old enough to brush their own hair but on Sunday afternoon before going out dsd asked if I would do a fishtail plait in her hair. Low and behold riddled with bloody lice, I have buggered my neck and shoulder so cannot treat her very long hair as don't have the movement and dp was out.

He told exw when we returned the kids on Sunday amd was told by exw that yeah she knew they had a couple of lice but hadn't bothered to treat or comb (wtaf!!!)

Anyway woke up this morning scratching like mad but am on strong painkillers and diazepam and itching is a side effect so thought nothing of it, checked my hair routinely asking do every time we have the kids and I have fucking lice in my hair. Am livid!!! Because that selfish fucking idiot cannot be arsed to treat her kids I have had to delouse my own hair and then spend half an hour checking my 10 month old.

Exw has then text dp today to ask if she can borrow something I bought dss so dp has told her he would ask me but that as the kids have passed their nits onto me I may not be inclined to do her any favours and the fucking bitch hasn't even bothered to apologise just said "well I still want X"

I seriously want to smack her!!!!!!!

Grrrrrr sorry really need to vent

ReadyisKnitting Thu 03-Jul-14 12:28:30

I feel your pain, dd1's class has a child that is always crawling (don't know which, am just constantly removing big fat ones) and I get the rage so can understand exactly how cross you are. Poor dsc too, it's horrid for them.

Dp has agreed to his xw borrowing the roofbox. I'm not happy about this going on the track record of stuff going missing/getting broken, but I've said my piece, he's made his decision, and to be honest, I'm staying well out of it. Pick your battles.

Dp is away this week, we made arrangements to make sure I could do everything on my own smoothly, and Monday we got an email from the scout leader saying Wednesday' s meeting was at a scout camp 20miles away. No apology for short notice or anything! Left me in a pickle, as it started the same time as dd2's beavers finished, and ended way past her bedtime. Between us we managed to sort dss a lift, and he gets ready to go... in his school shoes! FFS! I asked why and where were his trainers- oh well I looked at them and thought about bringing them but then I forgot. Talk about counting to ten in a dozen different languages, they're his football trainers that should be here that he's forgotten for the past two or three weeks! Found a pair of my old walking trainers, and then texted dp to ask dss' mum to drop them off on Fri as he's just too much of a dippy doughnut to remember. I cannot wait for this dippy silly stage to pass, but there's at least another 6 months to go. Lord help me.

PajamaQueen Thu 03-Jul-14 12:44:36

Oh God, nits! When my DC have caught them we treat them - only for DC to arrive with another letter from school about the class being full of nits again. I wish people would bloody do the routine properly. It's on the treatment on how to treat and treat again after 7 days. Yes, it can be time consuming but seriously it's not rocket science. We've taken to putting tee tree in to the shampoo we use to try keep them at bay.

wheresthelight Thu 03-Jul-14 19:09:34

Unfortunately ready my dsc's are the kids that spread them to everyone else as their bloody mother refuses todo aanything and it drives me crazy.

I am so pissed off that I have got them - she had better watch out cos I will not be holding my tongue if she crosses me next week!

wheresthelight Sat 12-Jul-14 10:41:58

So of you saw my thread on Wednesday you will know the fucking idiot exw still is refusing to treat the nits and dp has gone ballistic yay!!

But it's our weekend and yesterday I did a massive Roast dinner as fil came over, had a lovely chilled evening walk to the local park where thinking and grandad had a great time playing and then home for swing ball, football and giant garden snakes and ladders. All good.

This morning dss has clearly got out of bed on the wrong side and has refused to acknowledge me let alone speak and for for the first time ever dp has read him the riot act!! He made dss come and apologise to me and I have to say I was less than gracious. Mainly cos history proves he doesn't mean it and is only saying it to get out the shit with his dad.

I asked him outright if I had ever made him feel unwanted or unwelcome when he is here, ever been rude or nasty to him, treated him disrespectfully and he said no to all. So I asked him why I should be made to feel like I was poo on his shoe that he had just wiped off in my own home. Pointed out that it's been ME who cooks the food he likes, does the shopping. ME who painted his room the colours he wanted, ME who bought and paid for the bedding he wanted, the swings in the garden. ME that gets blanked deliberately, ignored, disrespected and made to feel unwelcome in my own home and I have had enough.

Probably went a tad ott but he is awful to me and I have had it. I shouldn't have to feel like o need to be elsewhere on contact weekends just cos he is a temperamental little shit with no manners grrrrrr

I guarantee his mum's dp would not stand for it!

He is suitably ashamed of himself and is currently sucking up big time! But we shall see how long it lasts

PajamaQueen Sat 12-Jul-14 11:40:38

Nits are a huge gripe of mine. It's not hard to follow instructions on how to do it properly.

Good on you, pointing out to your DSS too where. A lot of the time us SM are treated like shite yet we're the ones who do a lot of the leg work when they are here but don't get so much as a thank you. The thing is - it's the age old "Damned if you do, damned if you don't." You're either accused of not being welcoming or over stepping. There's no middle ground.

Kaluki Sat 12-Jul-14 13:32:54

Well done wheresthelight!
Sometimes they need to be told!

wheresthelight Sat 12-Jul-14 14:25:15

Thanks ladies! I was expecting a flaming but I wasn't nasty or shouty I just plainly and calmly asked him and then told him how he makes me feel.

We are now out for the day with fil on a local picnic area and park and he is still being a grumpy little sod the second dp does anything with dsd or dd or even fil

Alita7 Sat 12-Jul-14 23:30:03

I think you're right to say something where. I do most things for dsd and sometimes she is ungrateful (no more so than a child would be to their bio mum) and even though some of it is because she is autistic, I always pull her up on it. And she always apologises even if she argues a bit first. I guess she just doesn't realise that unlike her bio parents I don't really 'have' to do things for her, I choose to because I love her and dp would probably forget a lot of it. But then I kind of like that she expects me to do all this stuff as it's part of her showing me what role she wants me to have in her life. Maybe your dss is so used to you doing it that he just subconsciously assumes it's your job? I never tell dsd that it's not something I have to do or that it's not my job etc (though sometimes if she moans if I forgot to do something I do say why aren't you moaning at daddy about this as well?) but your situation is different especially as dsd lives with us ft and yours don't? So I think pointing out how upset you are that you do all this for him and he's mean to you is perfectly ok!

wheresthelight Sun 13-Jul-14 06:40:26

Thanks alita, if it was just normal kid stuff I don't think it would be as bad. It's the deliberately ignoring me and refusal to acknowledge and then claiming he "didn't hear" me when dp pulls him up on it that pisses me off. I asked him if he treated his mum's dp the same way and he said no, but couldn't answer when I asked why I didn't deserve the same respect

He is too much like his mum and has a really"prince" complex. She literally does everything for him and allows him to do anything he wants and it isn't mimirrored here.

thebluehen Mon 21-Jul-14 07:41:28

Just feel the need to have a little rant about double standards.

I have an 18 yr old dsd (as well as 3 other dsc).

I also have my own 16 yr old ds.

My dp has never really disciplined his kids. When his dsd was 16 she would literally lie on the kitchen work top or the sofa and refuse to even look away from her phone to communicate. She, always , however had to be in the same room as us and would follow us if we left. He never once pulled her on her rudeness, including family holidays where she refused to leave her room or open the curtains.

In the 4 years we have lived together, she has never had a friend round or been to a friends preferring to spend from 3.20 Friday to 8.45 Monday lying on the sofa grunting at us instead.

She has told dp that "I'm not walking anywhere" so whilst expecting all other kids (especially my ds) to walk home from school or to the bus stop etc, he never allows her to do so. And ensures he provides a taxi service.

She doesn't communicate with him through the mobile phone he pays for and regularly ignores him, so he rewards her by getting her a better phone.

She did as little as possible in school and would regularly boast to dp that she didn't revise or make any efforts. Again, he never pulled her on it.

Get the picture?

So my ds is being an unpleasant teen and quite lazy and a bit rude to me only. He just wants to sit in his room on the PC and play games and talk to his friends online. He doesn't want to be with us, is sullen and dismisses my suggestions of getting work or doing some volunteering. He was rude to me last week and I took his PC away and we have had a long talk about my expectations versus his wants and needs and I feel better about things and think I have to let him develop at his own pace.

He is, however , very focussed on his schooling, having ordered every university prospectus you can imagine despite being only 16. He says he can't wait to know his gcse results so he can start getting on with a levels. He also does lots of jobs around the house and keeps his room clean and tidy. He is doing some gardening today for a friend for some money.

So despite him being sullen, miserable and moody, I don't think he's all bad and try and see the positives.

I have given him a consequence (something dsc never see to get) for being rude and had a long talk with him. Again, dp excuses his kids behaviour and doesn't discuss anything with them.

So why does dp suddenly have do many opinions on "discipline". Apparently ds should never have his computer back, he should be made to walk up the road (ya know the same road his kids can't walk down) and buy me flowers and he should be made to do even more jobs at home as "punishment " for doing something his kids have regularly been excused for. hmm

I'm just ignoring him at the moment but I can feel I am going to explode soon if he doesn't keep his mouth shut!

JoanJettPack Fri 25-Jul-14 19:33:02

Hi all.
Just here for a rant.

I'm posting from the kids couch as dsd is sprawled on my couch, draped all over dp. As usual. Hence my rant.

I came in from work earlier and she hurled herself on there next to him and hasn't left his side since.

Yesterday, I had the audacity to sit there beside him for 5 minutes (she'd gone the toilet) while I waited for the kettle to boil. She immediately flew to his side and stood there, arms crossed, giving me the stinkeye til I stood up. She then shot into my seat (sorry, my seat 50% of the week) and thanked me, very sarcastically, for keeping her place warm.

She's constantly hanging off him and telling him she loves him and asking how beautiful she is. It isn't a huge problem, dp tells her off when she is frequently mean to me and my ds's and generally isn't very Disney. I'm just annoyed because I know I'm in for a very long six weeks of her mini wifing.

Btw, for the purposes of what I've read on the stepmum bingo thread, I've been in her life for 5 years, she's nearly 9, I wasn't the ow and I don't hate my dsd. Just wanted to vent so normal service can resume smile

thebluehen Sat 26-Jul-14 06:47:52

Oh that must be awful. It's like she wants to make you the enemy isn't it?

I've put up with some crap but my dsd's aren't at all affectionate, so I've missed out on this pleasant experience.

My dp used to get jealous of my ds cuddling me. But it was never done in the way you describe.

Keep smiling . Hopefully the novelty will wear off sometime soon.

robotroy Tue 29-Jul-14 00:11:28

Poor SD, she has just been sick on her floor. So much sick. Who knew so much would fit in her.

She uses 'I feel sick' so much as a fake excuse not to go to bed but for once I could see it was actually real. Lucky I know her well and put a bucket by her. Unlucky...... she missed! She missed the bed though so well done her, think her old toddler rug is rather done for!

It must be something she ate, her temperature is fine and she's bright eyed. Ah well better out than in!

I actually just accidentally got a stray bit between my toes! Her dad did a great job though sorting most of it. I feel really sorry for her she's never ever been sick here before she has the tummy of an ox. Hope she's OK now.

robotroy Tue 29-Jul-14 01:02:05

Oh dear. Had to hold her hair as she's sick again. Well, either she will stop now whatever poisened her is out, or she will keep being sick and its a bug. We'll know soon enough, hopefully before we run out of towels.

Man has sent me to bed as I have to work in 6 hours. He is staying with her poor kid.

wheresthelight Fri 22-Aug-14 20:21:03

save me!

kids are here this weekend and have ignored me all evening, refused to acknowledge me when I said hi in the car and when I pull them up on it cos dp is playing Disney tonight it's me in the fucking wrong.

remind me why I do this to myself?!

Kaluki Fri 22-Aug-14 22:28:02

Oh yes!! DP is the world expert at discipline ... When it comes to MY kids he is so unforgiving and loves telling me what I should do.
It's a whole different story when it comes to his own kids though angryangry

wheresthelight Fri 22-Aug-14 23:03:04

it's nuts! how do normally intelligent men turn into such mindless morons just because their kids turn up.

I do have to wonder if dd and I wouldn't be better off on our own sometimes

shey03 Tue 26-Aug-14 09:51:28

Lolz, guys, all so familiar. It really sucks! God, if my own dc behaved like this in their father's home, jeez I'd give them a roasing! Keeping myself and my dc away as much as possible from dp's dc at the moment as things are particularly bad. Feel so sorry for dp though and he wants to change finally so I'll try to help him, but I have to limit my exposure and my kids to it all, it's just so toxic.

MulberryWillow Tue 26-Aug-14 16:54:58

Hi all,

Hope your all well.

Today we have had DSS for a day out as he's back to school next week. OH and I had a bit of a heated discussion last night about DSS and bedtimes. He and DSS have been just them two for 7 years and are very set in their ways. I'm trying to fit in but am struggling when a 7 year old goes to bed at 10:30pm and then I get no time with partner. His excuse is always 'but I never get to see him, I only have him twice a week!' Every time he says it I want to kill him!

Anyway we've had a good day today all together. It felt normal and some what like a family in a way. Only problems we've had today is BM. OH brought DSS an iPod and he took it home, we have not seen it since and have asked for it back quite a few times. She then asked for uniform money, not a problem but asked of iPod back at the same time as DSS kept saying he'd lost it and mum had it. We have still not had it back and today she text to say she wants uniform money and OH replied to say yes not a problem, can you get the iPod ready for when we drop DSS off home and surprise surprise, the iPod is at her mums and she says she's give it to us on Friday. Yet another excuse.

We've dropped DSS off without any confrontation and I've come on FB to notice she's blocked me! Were not friends but I could see her Facebook. So it's obvious she's got a problem with me.

shey03 Wed 27-Aug-14 08:52:47

Nearly everything my dp buys his kids goes home with them, clothes, toys, the expensive gadgets as he wants them to feel that their things are really theirs. Yet when they come to him eow, it is with the clothes on their backs and the phones in their pockets, literally. Nothing else... Then they complain because they haven't enough clothes or are bored as they have nothing to play with/do... You really can't win.

InFlagranteDelicto Wed 10-Sep-14 18:32:31

I'm back under a shiny new name and had rather forgotten just how different this corner of mn is. Rather wishing I hadn't posted.

wheresthelight Sat 13-Sep-14 11:10:25

has anyone bass even brdgrl lately??

well dss has started high school this week and had a few wobbles at contact Wednesday. Dp was out so it was me who had to deal with the uncontrollable crying etc. I told dp and made sure that he spoke to exw about it but she has completely dismissed it all because "he is fine here"

however, after dp mentioned that we had bought him a gum shield as he came home saying they would be starting rugby in a couple of weeks and they had been told they would need one. he is really excited about rugby, he isn't normally a sporty kid but has really started to show an interest in football lately so we are really trying to encourage him.

anyway she has had a complete fit at dp and told him that she intends to go from marching into school and telling them she refuses to allow dss to take part. wtaf???!! he is already the weird kid who is terrified of being bullied which we have told her after his mini meltdown on Wednesday and she thinks singling him out like this is a good idea??!!!

what do we do?? dp has told her not to be so bloody ridiculous and that it will be an excellent opportunity for him but she is adamant.

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