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Arghhhh I need to shout

(19 Posts)
FriedFishAndBread Sun 30-Mar-14 19:39:12

Me and dp have been together a long time off and on, while on a off patch a few years ago he had a casual relationship and an accidental pregnancy.
The little girl is four now, all together we have six dc, one of which is ours and one ds is mine.

We used to live together but due to so many arguments a lot caused by dsd mum doing things like refusing to open her door and have dsd back after contact, and the way dp seems to idolise her over the rest of the dc it wasn't good for my dc living in a war zone. Dp has moved out since August and it's really got better. Instead of dreading him coming home from work every night im actually happy to see him.

So the way it works is we see each other most days, we have a date night once a week, he picks dd up from her club once a week and he is usually here Sundays. He has my dc eow with the rest of his kids which is lovely for them all. Sometimes I go round his for the weekend with them all but mostly I let them get on with it unless its a trip out.

My issue is the way he is with the dsd, Im not sure whether it's because I'm jealous he wasn't so close to dd when she was that age, or if he really does change. For instance if he's at my house with dsd he's irritable with me and picks arguments. He does things like comes in makes him and her hot chocolate but doesn't make dd and ds one or cooks for everyone but only dishes up dsd food and sits her on the sofa when he knows any dc in my house have to sit up to the table especially little ones.

It sounds so petty and I really can't work out if I'm making mole hills out of mountains, he's not like this with his other dc at all or if I just don't notice it as they're older. For instance we were all at the park a couple of weekends ago and he was pushing dsd on the swings then she got off and dd got on, dsd went on the slide clocked dd had got on the swing and started crying to be back on the swing, dp then put her on dds lap nd pushed them both. Am I a complete bitch for wanting dd to have 5 minutes with her dad?

This weekend was his weekend but as its mothers day I said have dd Friday instead, he's had his dd all week as her mother dropped her off last weekend said she's got late shifts all week so he has to have her. He completely forgot to pick dd up. He was supposed to come around today and help dd cook me dinner instead he turned up last night said he's still got dsd and will be spending the day with his mum.

When dsd mum is being difficult and with holding contact he's a completely different man. I wouldn't say he's a Disney dad who won't tell dsd off but she's the baby and she's cute and huggy. She's runs up and hugs you and tells you she loves you while dd is more Tom boyish and wanting to play with her brothers so she doesn't have a daddies princess role with him.

Is he always going to be like this, will this fade as dsd gets older or am I being jealous and petty?

theredchicken Mon 31-Mar-14 09:00:16

How old is dsd? Am i correct in understanding he has 4 kids that aren't yours, 1 with you and 1 dc that is yours and your ex's?

How is dp with the other 3 kids that are his?

FriedFishAndBread Mon 31-Mar-14 09:41:44

Yes that's correct he has three boys I have my son we have dd and he has dsd.

He doesn't change at all with the other dc or exclude us. His eldest regularly comes and stays with me and there has never been any major issues. Me and his exw get on fine and she has her own life.

FriedFishAndBread Mon 31-Mar-14 09:52:18

I do feel dp loves us all a lot. Him and dd do have their own little bond and he has always treated ds as his own time and money wise.

His dd is lovely. she has stayed with me since a young baby and I do like her. But it is all about her whenever she's there. I know logically this is not her fault she's an only child at home and is used to being center of attention . none of the other dc get a look in including his boys.

LyndaCartersBigPants Mon 31-Mar-14 10:42:11

I know exactly what you mean Fried. My DP's youngest DD is totally idolised, she can do no wrong and is babyfied despite being school age. To be fair, he has got a bit better as she has got older, he says its just because she's so little and has had a bit of a hard time (illness etc) so he is overly protective of her, but it is difficult when his face lights up every time he sees her, its as if nobody else (his other DD included) gets a look in.

I feel irrationally jealous of her and the bond he obviously has with her that means he can completely overlook when she is being spoilt or manipulative and he totally mollycoddles her (so does her mum from what I can see, she calls her 'the baby' when talking about her - she will be 6 soon!). I can only hope that as she grows up that things will level out between her and her Dsis (even though he loves my DCs I don't expect him to treat them all equally, as I know I couldn't).

My DD is also a bit more tom-boyish with older DBs so I suppose it is inevitable that she will be a bit less princessy and I think that's a good thing. Girls shouldn't grow up thinking that all they have to do is flutter their eyelashes and men will do their bidding! Just be thankful that your DD will grow up with a healthier attitude than her DSSis.

FriedFishAndBread Mon 31-Mar-14 12:23:14

omg she is so babified. she can do no wrong as such. He still tells her off but she does whatever she wants anyway.

she gets away with so much that none of the others would, she's also cuddled and molly coddled where none of the others are.

I'm not jealous it's more resentful if I'm honest. why doesn't he cuddle up to our dd if we're they're all sat watching a film why is it always her.

to be fair if I was sat down with them he'd be cuddling me but if I'm not its all her her her. The last birthday party dd had I said she couldn't come as she was to young as I knew from previous birthday parties it would just be about her.

Kaluki Tue 01-Apr-14 10:34:57

I think this resentment will only get worse if you don't deal with it.
How much older is your DD than DSD? Is there any rivalry between the girls or do they get on.
My DP also idolises his DD to the point of obsession at times. She is the youngest and the only girl and she has been quite spoilt. I often have to remind him that he has a son too!!

brdgrl Tue 01-Apr-14 11:02:03

That's very sad, fried. Agree with Kaluki that for the girls' sake (both of them and their future relationship) you need to work this out satisfactorily.
What's the age difference?

My DH seemed to favour one of his kids over the other, partly because she was more demanding and clingy, and partly because the other was very close with mum, so they often sort of split along 'teams', IYSWIM. DH adores them both, but he didn't show it equally, I don't think, and it made lots of problems for both kids individually and also I think has affected the way they relate to one another. He's been sorting it out the last couple of years, because he never intended it to happen, but it should have been stopped long ago.

Babying your DSD isn't good for anyone, but least of all for her! And if it adds to resentment in the family, that's just heartbreaking.

Kaluki Tue 01-Apr-14 12:30:47

It definitely does affect sibling relationships.
Sadly DSS seems to really dislike DSD now because of the way she manipulates DP and pushes him out.
He has said some really harsh cruel things to her lately which have made her cry and run to DP which gets her more attention and fuels DSSs resentment. Its so painful to watch. sad
If you can sort it out now and nip it in the bud

LyndaCartersBigPants Tue 01-Apr-14 13:48:23

That's the problem isn't it Kaluki, the one getting less attention then turns on the other one out of jealousy and gets attention for all the wrong reasons.

Xalla Tue 01-Apr-14 16:43:05

That's the problem isn't it Kaluki, the one getting less attention then turns on the other one out of jealousy and gets attention for all the wrong reasons.

That's very true. It is certainly happening in our home at the moment.

alita7 Tue 01-Apr-14 16:56:13

That seems to be what happens with my dsds that don't live with us. Dsd1 is bullied by her step siblings and dsd2 (they are twins) doesn't stand up for her and occasionally joins in (she's very self conscious about other people liking her and so follows the crowd). Their mother for some reason apparently does nothing about the bullying when dsd1 reports it, so she ends up saying something back or hitting out and then she gets in trouble not the others.
Dsd1 and dsd2 seem to now have a rift between them, as dsd2 is very well behaved, seems very mature and popular, while dsd1 is a bit more childlike, can be a bit pedantic and gets in trouble for 'hurting the others'. So at home dsd1 feels dsd2 is treated much better than her. It's sad really. Yes dsd2 is the easier child but that should not mean she is treated any better!

FriedFishAndBread Tue 01-Apr-14 19:04:35

There are four years between them and they're not very close sadly. when dsd was a baby and toddling dd was all over her and so proud she was her sister and now she can't get away fast enough and calls her the annoying one.

Dd is very much a loud tom boy type and is always with her brothers when they're all together. Her ds unfortunately annoys her by being a typical four year old. My ds and dsd are very close on the other hand and she is a cute lovely little girl. I do genuinely like her when I'm not feeling resentful of her pushing dd out.

Dd is not a daddy's girl and wouldn't even think to jump on his lap with a cute I love you so much like dsd does.

I think if she was my own this wouldn't bother me so what does that say about me.

RandomMess Tue 01-Apr-14 19:10:30

Hmm she is the youngest by quite a way then and is being singled out for special attention, it really isn't good for your dsd to be treated in this way sad sounds an unhealthy dynamic all around. Presumably this is going to be his final child and last chance to have a "little one" - sounds like there is a lot of that going on.

FriedFishAndBread Tue 01-Apr-14 19:11:04

When I say to dd oh did you have a nice time with your sister if it's just been dd, ds and dsd that weekend dd says no she was with dad and I was doing blabla with ds/her uncle/her grandma.

I try to think of it as dd sees her dad most days of the week and he's here as a family with us. He does all the parents evenings and school assemblies he can and regular helps her with her maths and picks her up from the club's that she goes to. He takes to the birthday parties and does school pick ups when he can. I doubt dsd will get that tbh. she lives to far away and the biggest reason why dd gets what she gets off her dad regulary is because of our relationship.

LyndaCartersBigPants Wed 02-Apr-14 10:09:58

Yes I think we have to try to understand that there is a lot of 'making up for lost time' from NRPs, as if they have to squeeze in a weeks worth of love in a couple of days.

Same with the DCs. It used to really piss me off that dsd would come in the kitchen while we were clearing up after dinner and ask DP to go and sit with her for a cuddle. If it had been one of mine, I'd have said "in a minute, were just busy doing this first" but he would go with her, leaving me to clean u, while he and his dd had a lovely sit down together.

He got the message that this was shirking his responsibility to help me so he doesn't always drop everything for her now, but last time he told her to wait, his dd stood there and pleaded, did the 'cute smiley face', said "so you love tidying up more than cuddling me?" etc. until he'd finished!

FriedFishAndBread Wed 02-Apr-14 17:35:02

omg lynda we could have the same dp.

I'm quite upset now, I've just asked dp if we can go away for a couple of days over this or next weekend and he's said no as he doesnt know what he's doing with seeing any of his dc yet.

He could arrange to see them any time it's the easter holidays ffs and they have no set in stone access rota.

LyndaCartersBigPants Wed 02-Apr-14 20:24:51

One of my friends has said you feel like the other woman sometimes! I feel very 'honoured' when my dp makes time for us to be together, but there's always this guilt that I'm taking him away from his dcs.

FriedFishAndBread Wed 02-Apr-14 20:37:40

even if I don't feel guilty dp makes me feel that way... maybe he feels guilty.

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