DSD looking for good answers

[ThePerUnaBomber]

DSD lives with us 100% of the time, after some very troubling times with her mum. She is seeing her mother tomorrow for the first time in over 6 months and is worried her mum will attack on a couple of fronts, so has asked for advice from here on how to respond.

Her mother is, according to DP and DSD, (I've never met her) a former bulimic with some real and current food issues. DSD is a slim and lovely young woman. Her mother has form for launching attacks on weight - either DSD is too skinny, or too fat. What should dsd's reply be, if her mother tries to get a rise? I can't imagine my mum doing anything like that to me, so at a bit of a loss as to what to advise, other than silence.

Thanks, everyone.

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Don't know if this helps any but my dm still peers critically at me and asks if I've put on weight. I just go - uh huh - and change the subject.
I've also had a hissy fit about it but as your dsd and her mum have a very fragile relationship, it may batter it before it gets off the ground.
Critical mothers are awful
What a shame to have to worry about such things .. Hope it goes well x

[ThePerUnaBomber]

Thanks, changing the subject is a good idea. I will give her some safe topics to think of as the food one is only one of a few angles she's worried about. Poor wee thing.

[wheresthelight]

i agree that changing the subject is a good idea - how old is DSD?

[MistletoeBUTNOwine]

She could just say "I'm quite happy like this" then change subject?

[brdgrl]

Maybe DSD should have two or three stock replies. She could try rehearsing these and then just saying them, word for word, every single time her mum tries it. If she just repeats them exactly the same every time, her mum will be stone-walled. They should be non-inflammatory, but the key is just having them down flat.
"Thanks for your concern, mum, I'll be sure to mention it when I see the GP."
"Thanks for your concern, mum, I actually have been working to maintain a healthy weight and I'm doing well. Did I tell you about x..."
"Thanks for your concern, mum, I'm happy as I am, but if I need any advice I will let you know."
"Thanks for your concern, mum, now, let me tell you about this movie I saw last week..."

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Forgot to ask how old is dsd

[purpleroses]

You could help her work out her BMI then she could tell her mum it's in the healthy range so no need to worry. Then change the subject.

[Russianfudge]

Poor thing. I like all of brdgirls responses. The key is to not get in to a two way conversation about it.

Let us know how she gets on.

[Realitybitesyourbum]

Make sure she understands that her mothers perception is wrong so she doesn't give it any credence also.
How about, no , i am fine thank you

[stepmooster]

Oh my mother was as critical and toxic as they come. I don't know how old your DSD is, but by the time I reached maybe 17 I used to try and stand up to my mother with some pretty sharp replies.

I don't know why these mothers do it, and I can't tell you if standing up to her is the right thing to do, because by about 17 I was ready to leave home and never come back. Our relationship was headed down a one-way road of NC. I went NC because my sanity demanded it and I didn't need my mother making me feel shit all the time, about everything. I used to have nightmares that she was chasing me, I had them all the time. I know that fear, that worry about why you aren't good enough, why your mother hates you.

I think it's ok for your DP to acknowledge to his DD that her mum is pretty lacking in the mothering skills department, and not to try and pretend that she will change and become this wonderful mother. Accepting this fact really did help me come to terms with the situation. I.e. nothing I could ever do would make her love me or treat me with respect, because she did not have the ability.

I don't know why anyone would put up with a laughing attack about their weight. It's bullying not concern for your DSD. I think trying to pretend it's not is trying to deny that is what her mother is doing. I suspect that her mother is jealous of her daughter, and actually the comments say more about her than your DSD.

So if it were me, and I were your DSD I would probably say something like, "well thanks for your 'concern', but I think that nasty little outburst says more about you than it does about me."

If her mother sees that these attacks have hit any kind of nerve, i.e. countering with a reply about how her weight is fine etc, then her mother will probably come out with these laughing attacks again.

[ThePerUnaBomber]

Thank you everyone. I have given her the sentence "yeah, ok... Anyone seen any good films lately?" to repeat and repeat and repeat, without edge, so it just shows she has the measure of her mother, without being cheeky enough to warrant being kicked out of the house again. She finds it hard to ignore it when her mother tries to pick a fight as this almost 50 year old woman apparently likes to get up in people's faces and scream abuse at them.

DSD mustn't get drawn into a discussion of validation or otherwise with her mother - she is perfectly healthy, eats well, exercises at school and is lovely and slim. She is 14, BTW, and a really lovely, thoughtful, sensible, funny, smart and kind child who I like very much. She is sweet to DS, who is 3.

We are trying to let her see, without directly telling her, that her mother is not able to have a healthy, respectful relationship with her, but when you're 14, it's probably impossible to believe that your mum doesn't actually love you unconditionally.

There is too much background to go into here - the jealousy comment (of everyone in her life, no matter how tangential, not just DSD) is spot on and very insightful. Suffice to say, the reason she has been NC with her mother is because the therapist said they should remain apart until her mother sought some therapy of her own, which hasn't happened.

So I am standing by the phone in case we need to run to her rescue - have lost count of the number of times her mother has thrown her out now, screaming "this is not your home, you are not welcome here"... Fingers crossed today will be different as DP is at work and I can't imagine what would happen if I pulled up with DS in the car.

Poor DSD, thank you all so much for your replies.

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Christ.
Can't say much helpful but if dsd has a phone have a password she can text so you know something is up and go collect her, or a code word she can say over the phone such as hi dsm/dad can you remember to let the cat out instead of I'm ok or something .. So she doesn't have to actually say there's a problem please come and get me.

Poor kid.

[sceptictank]

that poor lass, think there are some great responses already given.
i ve found when dealing with bullies it can be helpful to ask are they struggling with the issue themselves? not that you actually give a damn. it is quite difficult (all be it not impossible to attack some one when they appear to be concerned for you) so if there is a weight attack, no mum my bmi is in the healthy range but are you feeling unhappy with your weight? may not work with this particular bag of frogs but i ve found it can knock quite a few bullies off their perch.

think the code for help is ex what about a blank txt ?

hope she gets through it relatively unscathed

[ThePerUnaBomber]

Christ on a bike - got the teary and panic stricken call to come and collect before DP got home - I pulled up with DS in the car, rang the bell and was answered with the most thunderous face imaginable. I asked, "is DSD ready?" and was told "she will be out in a minute" before the door was quite literally slammed in my face. Went back to car, DSD came out, saw her face looking tearful, she jumped in - I turned round and her mother was at the window of my car. I wound the window down, she shouted, (bear in mind I have never seen her before, let alone spoken to or had any communication with her) "never come to my door again". I just laughed and drove off.

Poor DSD was in torrents, apologising for her mother. She's shaking and a wreck. DP is now back from work and sitting with her.

What her mum doesn't see is how much she gives herself away with behaviour like that. I am genuinely amused by her reaction as it validates all that DP and his (their mutual) friends say. Poor DSD has had a dreadful day - her mother has been telling her she's going to have to sell the house as she owes DP months of CM payments, pure blackmail.

I think that will be it for another 6 months, hopefully.

Thanks all...

[goodiegoodieyumyum]

Your Sound like a great step mother, your poor Dsd it sounds like she has been through a lot with her mum, lyckily she has you and her dad to be there fir her.

[alita7]

Oh god-that's horrible- how can Dsd have contact with a woman like that?
I think if DSD does ever want to see her mum again it should be supervised in a contact centre, maybe with your dp in another room or a coffee shop near by so dsd can be removed asap.

Some women have no shame, no limit to their selfishness and no capacity to love. Thank god you have your dsd not her!