Thank you for this thread(12 Posts)
Just wanting to share my gratitude for this section of MN. If only I had known how tough being a SM is, I would have delayed marrying my wonderful DH and just lived apart and dated for a few years longer.
It does help being able to come on here and vent. Also to read others' stories about daily issues and troubles of living in a blended family.
Would you really of delayed?
me and dp struggled so much he moved out in august, since then we have got on sooo much better without the issues of his kids and ex and him in mine and mine and his dc home. But I do miss living with him and have been wondering if we should try living together again or wait for all the dc to be older and have their own life's.
I also feel very grateful for this board. I remember the first time I came here and thought 'wow, there are other people out there just like me!' I was filled with joy!
This board has literally saved my relationship thus far. It's shown me that what I'm going through is normal, that I'm doing my best, that I don't reap what I sow, but that's normal too.
My dp is typical-NRP-with-hostile-ex. His life during the days/hours he has his kids is hard. He has to struggle with a toxic ex who controls and punishes everyone and who wishes to cut him out of the dc's lives and unhappy dc who disrespect and test him all the time. As a result he often fails to prioritise my feelings and talking to him can be counter productive sometimes. I deal better with things because of MN.
agree, it made a huge difference to me, as I really had no one to speak to in "real life" who understood the realities of blended family life!
me too! so glad I found a sympathetic ear here.
to be honest have now joined the "been there, done it and got the t shirt crowd" and walked away!
but if there is a next time I will go in with my eyes wide open anf know where to come for support x
It had saved me too on many occasions and I've made who I would class as real friends here which is great xx
I love this board. It's helped so much. We still struggle but it's getting there and it's nice to be able to say "my DSD drives me nuts when she is here sometimes" and not get flammed
lazypepper yes! Thank you. Having a blended family is so unlike anything else that only those who have been there can possibly understand and it's so good to get other peoples' viewpoint on it all. There are as many different ways of SPing as there are parenting, but one thing seems consistent - it is tough!
Back2Basics I agree, my DP doesn't live with me, but spends a lot of his (kid-free) time here. The fact that he has his own place too is a life-saver. I can't help thinking you'd be best off living separately for as long as you can!
Our DCs do get on well and we often have one night a week with them all together, mainly at my house, but sometimes at his. We go on holiday together etc but just having that safety valve, the potential for a couple of nights a week without anyone else in our space, really makes a difference.
Initially we would spend 3-4 nights with him here and then 2 nights at the weekend with us and all the DCs together - that was when the majority of our arguments happened. The DCs had had enough of each other by then, the novelty had worn off, the different parenting styles clashed and we'd all fall out.
It does DP and I good to have a night or two apart too - we appreciate each other more after having a chance to miss each other and we sometimes meet up for lunch dates on the days he doesn't stay the night.
I think there is pressure to be a 'nuclear' family(from ourselves more than anyone else) with a man, woman and children all in one house. Actually I think a lot of married 'first' families might benefit from a bolt-hole where one parent could go and have a night away once a week, with or without the DCs.
I do miss my DP when I don't see him for a night or two, but I think that keeping the domestic drudge out of our relationship by having our own homes, finances, time with DCs etc means less potential for arguments.
Gosh Lynda, you're just like us! And boy, I am starting to appreciate the pro's of our arrangement more than I ever have.
Lynda, your situation sounds just like ours! Living apart has given our relationship a chance to flourish without all the pressure of blending our families. We spend 4 nights a week together at my place when he doesn't have his children, and see each other every day (we're both lucky to work from home), and we get all get together with the children every Sunday to do something as a family. It really works for us, and works for the children too - I was very worried that blending our families would be too stressful for my son.
back2Basics yes, I think so. I had a house of my own, as did DH. in hindsight it would have been worth it to keep my house on and suck up the extra payments for a few years at least.
However it's too much expense to go to right now - we have a mortgage together on this property - and it is large enough for all. I take comfort in that the DCs are all in their teens - 14-17 so they are all growing up, and likely to move away to uni etc.
I don't think any one who isn't in the step situation can understand how it is in real life.
Good to hear that so many other forum members benefit from the step parenting board.
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