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Date night ambush - what should we do?

(132 Posts)
Russianfudge Wed 26-Mar-14 13:58:36

My DSD used to come on set days 50/50, she went through a stage of no contact following years of an alienation campaign by her mother, then when she started coming again it coincided with her reaching an age where a contact rota wasn't really appropriate so she comes and goes as she pleases now. Well, she's only allowed a certain number of times in a month as Mum wants to protect her CM hmm

Anyway. Wednesday night has always been our "date night" midweek, no kids. We have really long hours, stressful jobs and it is so nice to have one night a week where we can just be ourselves, not step mum/ Dad/ Mum etc. DSD usually favours coming on a weekend so even if my DD isn't here, we have one kid at least.

Now, our view was very much that this is DSD's home and she is always welcome here. That is what we told her. However, since this has been in place, she has treated it less and less like her home. She doesn't contribute anything at all and she only comes on "fun" days when she knows she'll get taken out for dinner or similar. She has told us as much.

Part of me thinks - she's his DD and it's her home and she should come when she likes. Part of me thinks - why can't his commitment to his plans with me come first, why should we drop everything for her? And why should she get the message that our plans come second to her whim?

She's 15 btw.

A big part of me wishes he wouldn't ask me my opinion and just tell her no. I could just tell him "you decide" but that would be testing him and is therefore unfair.

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 17:48:06

Thank you Sophia, I really like that theory. Maybe perversely it's the time we spend on making our relationship strong that makes her want to be here!

Sophiathesnowfairy Sat 29-Mar-14 18:06:31

I think so. Keep it up. Xx

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 29-Mar-14 21:30:27

The sm's seem to have bitten back on this thread though and sent the goady ones packing
wine All round hope it lasts

RandomMess Sat 29-Mar-14 21:40:21

I am the NRP of my eldest, when she comes to stay she offers to babysit for her half siblings so we can go out - LOL!!! Before she was 16 it would be her and her older boyfriend doing the sitting.

Snoozybird Sat 29-Mar-14 22:27:09

I just read a quote I really liked in an article about ways to keep your relationship healthy:

"A hard challenge for couples with children is carving out couples time without the kids...Remember therefore what they say in an airplane: put on your oxygen mask before you help your children. Your couplehood is critically important to your children's survival."

This wasn't said specifically in the context of step-parenting but to me it perfectly illustrates the importance of nurturing your relationship with your DP/spouse - unhappy parents do not equal happy children in any family set-up.

Realitybitesyourbum Sat 29-Mar-14 22:41:18

Queentea are you a step mum? You have no idea what it is like to be a step mum, how stressful and difficult it is until you are one. If you don't have that experience then you shouldn't comment as you have no bloody idea how tricky it is.

QueenTea33 Sat 29-Mar-14 22:53:27

reality I am a step mum. It was intended as a joke as the crossed out statement is one which we get flung at us occasionally if we encounter difficulties with our sc and look for help on here.

I did point out that I was outraged by all the step mum bashing. We get flamed, unfairly, an awful lot. As seen right here on this very thread.

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